Opening Panel Round Our panelists answer questions about the week's news: it's not a feature, it's a bug; and what al Qaeda learned from four-year-olds.

Opening Panel Round

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PETER SAGAL, Host:

We want to remind everybody that most weeks you can join us right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago's Loop. For tickets and more information, go to chicagopublicradio.org. Or you can find a link at our website, waitwait.npr.org.

Right now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news, so get yourself ready. Paula, back to Apple just for a moment. The New York Daily News has uncovered an amazing new feature of the iPad, which Apple has not been advertising. What do iPads do?

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Absorb?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. Horrible bacterial infection, there's an app for that.

POUNDSTONE: Well that's worse than what I said.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: They clean themselves.

SAGAL: No, no, quite the opposite.

POUNDSTONE: They...

SAGAL: That's the problem.

POUNDSTONE: They infect people?

SAGAL: Yes, they spread disease.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

POUNDSTONE: Oh my heavens.

SAGAL: The New York Daily News examined the iPads that are on display at one New York City Apple store, and they found unusually high quantities of a variety of nasty bacteria on them. Apple puts out dozens of these magical devices on display, and thousands of filthy New Yorkers put their filthy hands on them every day. One microbiologist advised using hand sanitizer before going near them and to use Windows-based tablet computers because no one ever touches them.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Because remember folks, when you touch a touchscreen, you're touching everyone that touchscreen has ever touched.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But wait a minute, I don't get this. I thought you said the New York Daily News figured this out.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: So, you know, I'm used to seeing a journalist with maybe a microphone.

SAGAL: They've got swabs. They go in - they went into the iPad in the Apple store and they swabbed these things. They tested it for bacteria.

POUNDSTONE: What a weird thing to do.

SAGAL: Well...

POUNDSTONE: It just wouldn't even occur to me. Well I've been interviewed before and no one ever swabbed me.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now many Apple fans are turned off by this discovery but the company - you know Apple, they've got a proactive strategy. They're going to announce in just a few months their new product, iBola.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Charlie, the FBI is warning that jihadists may have a new tactic. They're moving away from terrorizing people. They've found they can accomplish their goals by instead doing what to people?

CHARLIE PIERCE: Wow. Well they've already tried to light their underwear on fire and that didn't work.

SAGAL: No.

PIERCE: Then lighting the shoes on fire didn't work.

SAGAL: Here's a hint.

PIERCE: Yeah.

SAGAL: I'm not bombing you. I'm not bombing you. I'm not bombing you.

PIERCE: They're going to send a bunch of nasty, ill-tempered four-year-olds after us.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: To do what to us?

PIERCE: Well, it's annoying as hell.

SAGAL: It's annoying. They're going to annoy us. That's their strategy.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: That's the plan. Specifically, they're going to do it this way, since everybody's nervous about suspicious packages, the jihadists are planning to leave empty packages all over the place so they can create chaos and spread authorities thin. Also, they can finally get rid of those boxes from their last move.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Security experts say terrorists will then expand their jihad of annoyance. They won't plant bombs in airplanes, they'll just bring on crying babies. They'll talk during movies. They'll get into the express lane with 20 items and 40 coupons.

And they'll get onto those moving sidewalks at airports and just stand there. Come on, it's not a ride, al-Qaida, come on.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

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