Who's Carl This Time? Carl reads three quotes from the weeks news: Somebody ducks out; Keep your friends close; Are you ready for something other than football?
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Who's Carl This Time?

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Who's Carl This Time?

Who's Carl This Time?

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CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much. Thanks everybody. We've got a great show for you this week. We've got Judy Collins. She's going to be coming on later to play Not My Job. But first: sad week for public radio fans. Of course, I'm referring to Garrison Keillor's announcement he will retire in two years. What'd you think I was talking about?

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The search for Garrison's replacement has begun. It works the same way as with the Dalai Lama.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Monks from Minnesota Public Radio will head out into the northern prairie, looking for the baby who is the reincarnated spirit of Garrison Keillor.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Telltale signs include a tendency to be prematurely wistful.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: "Well, it's been a quiet week at my diaper."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you know any infants who suddenly launch into amusing monologues, or if you just want to play our game, give us a call. The number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

JOYCE: Hi, Peter, this is Joyce from Tamarac.

SAGAL: Hey Joyce, how are you?

JOYCE: I'm good.

SAGAL: You're from Tamarac.

JOYCE: Tamarac, Florida.

SAGAL: Oh, Tamarac, Florida, okay. Are you from there?

JOYCE: No, I'm from New York.

SAGAL: You're from New York.

JOYCE: Of course.

SAGAL: So you migrated south like all the other New Yorkers.

JOYCE: It's the law.

SAGAL: It is.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is it a Florida law or a New York law?

JOYCE: It's a New York law.

SAGAL: I understand. Well welcome to the show, Joyce. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, say hello to a founder of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, Mr. Maz Jobrani.

M: Hi, Joyce.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

JOYCE: Hi there.

M: How are you?

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the advice column Ask Amy, Ms. Amy Dickinson.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey Joyce.

SAGAL: And lastly, a comedienne who is next performing April 1st at the Bloomington, Illinois Center for the Performing Arts, Ms. Paula Poundstone.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

M: Hey Joyce.

JOYCE: Hi, Paula.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Joyce. You are going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

JOYCE: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.

KASELL: Aflac, Aflac.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now Carl wasn't actually quoting anybody, he was auditioning to be the new duck in those Aflac commercials. That's because the guy who has done it up to now, Gilbert Gottfried, got fired for staying stupid things about what?

JOYCE: About the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

SAGAL: Exactly right, exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Everybody was watching the events in Japan with horror, but Mr. Gilbert Gottfried made some tasteless jokes about the Japanese disaster on his Twitter feed, and Aflac decided that he did not have the grace and human decency to portray their interrupting duck.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: So Twitter helped overthrow Mubarak and Gilbert Gottfried?

SAGAL: Gilbert Gottfried, yeah.

M: Yeah. I love it that an insurance company is deciding what has grace and human decency.

M: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, the Japanese, as you may know, they love their cartoons. And one of the Japanese animation guys came up with a cartoon to explain to kids what is going on with the nuclear reactors. And the metaphor is that Nuclear Reactor Boy, his character, has an upset stomach and he's farting.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: No.

SAGAL: And that's fine, they say. It's fine that he's farting. It's uncomfortable, but it's okay. But if he poops, then we'll be in trouble.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's their argument. Now, we have a clip, a sound clip from the cartoon. It's in Japanese, but I think it has a universal message.

(SOUNDBITE OF CARTOON)

M: No.

SAGAL: Yes.

M: No.

SAGAL: Yes.

M: Is that real or you made that up?

SAGAL: That's totally real.

M: And you know what?

M: We wouldn't make that up.

M: That was Gilbert Gottfried I think.

SAGAL: There you go.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Doing that.

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: I'm glad he's landed on his two little webbed feet.

M: He got a new gig.

SAGAL: Isn't it great? Yes.

M: Wow.

M: That was a very strange sounding fart.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's how you fart in Japanese.

M: That's a Japanese fart, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Joyce, here is your next quote. It's someone with warm words for former Utah governor Jon Huntsman. He's a potential Republican presidential candidate.

KASELL: As his good friends in China might say, he is truly the yin to my yang. And I'm going to make sure that every primary voter knows it.

SAGAL: That was somebody trying to make Huntsman look bad by saying how much he liked him. Who was it?

JOYCE: Obama?

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, President Obama.

JOYCE: Oh yay.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In the president's arsenal of kung fu, there is no more powerful move than the death hug.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's what they call it. You heard the president, he was joking about it at the Gridiron Dinner. But this is a very real strategy the White House is using to take down those opponents they see as most dangerous. Jon Huntsman was the successful Republican governor of Utah, and he could be a formidable presidential candidate, except he served as President Obama's ambassador to China. And all GOP primary voters know this. Serving this president in any capacity gives you socialism cooties.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: He should just endorse every Republican.

M: Yeah.

SAGAL: He should try that.

M: Yeah.

M: He should briefly date Sarah Palin.

SAGAL: There you are.

M: Just date her a little bit.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

M: Just a little date.

SAGAL: Yeah.

M: It's a funny kind of love that they can't be sure what to do with it. It reminds me of when I was in the sixth grade and my friends that were girls would say to me that I looked like Eddie from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: These are your friends, Paula.

M: Yes. And that if I were a boy they would go out with me. It's the same kind of thing.

SAGAL: Well they are doing some things...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just to continue the strategy, they have let it be known that it was Newt Gingrich who smuggled the baby Obama here from Kenya.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, very good, Joyce. Here is your last quote.

KASELL: As of right now, the players and owners are making Charlie Sheen look calm, rational and sensible.

SAGAL: That was a sports writer in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. He was talking about the lockout in what big professional sport, Joyce?

JOYCE: The NFL.

SAGAL: Yes, football.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes. They're desperate to keep Brett Favre from coming back yet again, so they just decided to cancel the whole football season.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The NFL lockout is on, which means the next football season might not happen. The owners want the players...

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Okay, great, I see.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The owners want the players to play more games for less money. Plus the owners are making other demands. For example, they want the players to invite them to their parties.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The real hardship, though, will not be suffered by football fans but by their wives and girlfriends, who have previously enjoyed precious months of alone time during football season.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now the women will be like, well maybe, instead of watching football, you could do the dishes or raise your children.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And eventually, the guys will compromise, and they won't raise the kids but they will join a fantasy child rearing league.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So what are these guys going to do if they can't play football? They're incredibly specialized athletes. I mean...

M: Just push people.

SAGAL: I know, just...

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I mean, we figure like, you know, offensive linemen could become offensive linemen and tweet tasteless jokes about Japan.

M: They can just be offensive, right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

M: Right, yeah.

M: And the defensive linemen then would be very defensive always.

SAGAL: Yeah, they'd be like...

M: They're like, hey, what?

SAGAL: I didn't do that.

M: I didn't do it.

SAGAL: Come on.

M: I don't know. I don't know.

SAGAL: Come on, it really wasn't my fault.

M: Jump off, I didn't do it.

M: Yeah.

M: Right.

M: You're so defensive.

M: Yeah, what?

M: Yeah, I'm a defensive lineman, that's how I am.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Joyce do on our quiz?

KASELL: Well, Peter, Joyce had three correct answers. So Joyce, I'll be doing the message on your voicemail. Congratulations.

M: All right, Joyce.

JOYCE: Awesome, thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Joyce, thank you so much for playing and congratulations.

JOYCE: Thank you so much, Peter.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

JOYCE: Bye.

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