When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble : Shots - Health News When children think they're being slighted, it can lead to risky behavior as teenagers, a study finds. Having warm, respectful relationships helps counteract the claim, "You always liked her best!"
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When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble

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When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble

When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble

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  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/368449456/388378637" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:

Now, people who grew up with brothers or sisters know this complaint. They think mom or dad liked one of the kids best - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Well, if you thought your parents had a favorite child, you may be right. And it turns out that what kids think about the family pecking order can affect their health. NPR's Nancy Shute reports.

NANCY SHUTE, BYLINE: Parents try to be fair and not pick a favorite, but researcher Alex Jensen says we really don't pull it off.

ALEX JENSEN: Data would suggest about 80 percent of parents, you know, really do have a favorite child.

SHUTE: Jensen is a psychologist at Brigham Young University who studies family relationships. That 80 percent figure seems like a lot, so I decided to test it out on some kids in my neighborhood by asking them if their parents had favorites.

DAVID LEWIS: Yes.

MALCOLM GENDLEMAN: I think they love them equally.

ELI GENDLEMAN: Sometimes I'm not sure.

SHUTE: That's David Lewis, who's 10, and Malcolm and Eli Gendleman, 9 and 11. David's pretty sure there's a favorite in his family. He just isn't sure who it is.

LEWIS: It's either my older brother, who actually does things correctly. He might mess up here and there. Or me because I'm, like, awesome.

SHUTE: Is there a favorite child in your family?

E. GENDLEMAN: No, but sometimes I still feel like it.

SHUTE: What Eli just said there is really important. It turns out that what matters most is not whether there is a favorite, it's whether the kid thinks there is.

JENSEN: And that's kind of the scary part - is it's not just how you're treating them. It's how they perceive it.

SHUTE: Jensen studied how teenagers' perception of favoritism affects their behavior, and what he found was surprising. The kids who thought they were getting less favored treatment were more likely to get into trouble.

JENSEN: They were more likely to have a drink - alcohol - in the last year, to have used cigarettes, but also to have smoked marijuana or even used harder drugs. So, you know, it's linked to some pretty serious stuff.

SHUTE: And the more favoritism the kids felt, the more problems. Luckily for us parents, Jensen says there is a workaround.

JENSEN: Families that were really close-knit had really warm, good relationships. You know, these families didn't fight a whole lot. In families like that, there's actually no link between the kids' perception and their behavior.

SHUTE: So as long as you love and respect all your kids, the fact that you like one a wee bit more won't matter. Or you could try taking to heart the advice of my neighbor, Malcolm.

GENDLEMAN: Picking favorites - it kind of makes the other people who are not their favorite not feel as well...

E. GENDLEMAN: Feel sad

GENDLEMAN: Sad. That's why parents should not pick favorites.

SHUTE: Nancy Shute, NPR News.

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