The Teetotaller's Playlist It's before 5pm somewhere: why drink a cocktail when you can enjoy a nice, cold mock-tail? In this musical game for the under-21 set, famous songs about boozy drinks have been rewritten as zero proof.

The Teetotaller's Playlist

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

You're listing to ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR and WNYC. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and with me is our one-man house band Jonathan Coulton and our puzzle guru Mary Tobler. Please welcome contestants Jess Mederos and Julia Ward.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Jess, Julia, this game is called The Teetotaller's Playlist.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So what drink do you wish you could pull off but can't because it's a mess, Jess?

JESS MEDEROS: Brandy in a snifter, maybe?

EISENBERG: Yeah. Walk around with that...

MEDEROS: Yeah.

EISENBERG: All chic.

MEDEROS: I kind of like to dress like an old man. I'd like to drink what they drink, too.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Right. My distinctive style. Julia?

JULIA WARD: I wish I could drink those sweet, sugary drinks because they come with umbrellas and little extras.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

WARD: So you get more than what you ordered.

EISENBERG: Like all the little fun swizzle sticks in the, like, you know, a daiquiri and that kind of thing?

WARD: Yeah. Most of the drinks I get don't have any sort of bonus.

EISENBERG: Yeah. What...

(LAUGHTER)

MEDEROS: Like a prize.

EISENBERG: Right. There's no props in your drinks?

Jonathan, do you have to drink to be a good musician?

JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: Well, I do.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Most people don't, but I do. I find that I - I think that I'm a better musician...

EISENBERG: Yeah.

COULTON: ...When I drink so.

EISENBERG: That's all that matters.

COULTON: That's all that matters, really. I'm going to play some songs that feature alcoholic drinks in their title, but I'm replacing those potent potables with nonalcoholic beverages. All you have to do is give me the original title of the song, and the winner will move on to our Ask Me One More final-round at the end of the show. Are you ready?

MEDEROS: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: So nervous. It's going to be great.

(Singing) I'd have sworn that with time thoughts of you would leave my head. I was wrong. Now I find just one thing makes me forget - Sunny D.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Julia.

WARD: "Red, Red Wine."

COULTON: Yeah. That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Which is more nutritious than Sunny D, I believe. Any alcohol is.

COULTON: It probably is. That's probably true. You should give your kids wine.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: That's right, if you want them to grow up to be a musician.

COULTON: That's right.

(Singing) Rolling down the street eating kale chips, sipping on guava juice - laid back - with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Jess.

MEDEROS: "Gin And Juice."

COULTON: Yeah, "Gin And Juice."

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: (Singing) And he came on a summer's day, bringing gifts from far away. But he made it clear he couldn't stay. No harbor was his home. The sailor said Pepsi, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my plan, my lover, my lady is the sea.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Julia.

WARD: I believe it's "Brandy"?

COULTON: It is "Brandy."

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Jess, your whole dream of the snifter - that was your opportunity.

MEDEROS: That's why I can't drink it.

COULTON: Yeah. I...

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: We've just further enforced her entire paradigm.

COULTON: I know. I know.

MEDEROS: Yeah, man, way to really drive it home.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: That's what I'm here for. I'm here to drive it home.

(Singing) Peach Snapple, that funky Snapple. Diet apple Snapple, that funky Snapple.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Jess.

MEDEROS: "Brass Monkey."

COULTON: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Jess, I appreciate you not leaving me hanging after that. That was important that somebody got that right. Thank you.

EISENBERG: I didn't know what a brass monkey was made of. Do you know?

MEDEROS: I don't think anybody knows.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Oh, no. I know. We found out. It's orange juice, vodka and dark rum premixed in a can. I hope it's like a can of mushroom soup or something that they mix it up in.

MEDEROS: Condensed.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Exactly. A little condensed, yeah.

COULTON: Right. If you add milk, it's cream of brass monkey.

(LAUGHTER)

MEDEROS: It's gross.

EISENBERG: It's a drink that says, hey, why don't you just take the day off?

COULTON: You know what? Maybe you should go home.

(Singing) How many special people change? How many lives are living strange? Where were you while we were eating pie? Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide in a V8 supernova, a V8 supernova in the sky.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Jess.

MEDEROS: "Champagne Supernova."

COULTON: Yeah. That's much better.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: I like your Oasis voice.

COULTON: Yeah. I was doing an Oasis voice...

EISENBERG: It's good. Yeah.

COULTON: ... Wasn't I? You can't sing that song - it doesn't make any sense unless you do it in the Oasis voice.

(Singing) I was tired of my lady. We'd been together too long, like a worn-out recording of her favorite song. So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed. In the personal columns, there was this letter I read - if you like strawberry milkshakes, getting caught in the rain.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Julia.

WARD: Pina coladas.

COULTON: Indeed. That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: This is your last question.

(Singing) Well, I ain't seen my baby since I don't know when. I've been drinking Red Bull, Fanta, Sprite again. Gonna get tight man, way too lose. Need me a triple shot of wheatgrass juice.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: (Singing) Going to get sober, man, just you wait and see. I want one seltzer, one milk and one tea. One seltzer, one milk, one tea.

EISENBERG: Oh, no. I don't even know what to say right now.

COULTON: I don't either.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Julia?

WARD: I know there's whiskey, and I know beer is the end of it.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I don't think we can award...

WARD: Oh, one whiskey, one scotch, one beer?

COULTON: That's very close. That's very close, but it's incorrect.

EISENBERG: George Thorogood is so mad right now.

COULTON: He's pretty mad.

EISENBERG: Yeah. He's back to drinking because of you guys right now.

(LAUGHING)

COULTON: What is it everybody?

AUDIENCE: "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer."

COULTON: "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer."

EISENBERG: But that's all right. Let's go to puzzle guru Mary Tobler.

MARY TOBLER, BYLINE: That leads us to a tie. So we will give you a non-musical question for the tiebreaker. First one to ring in with the correct response will win the game. What singer has a greatest hits album titled "Meet Me In Margaritaville"?

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

TOBLER: Jess.

MEDEROS: Jimmy Buffett.

TOBLER: That's correct.

(APPLAUSE)

TOBLER: Congratulations, Jess.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "RED, RED WINE")

BOB MARLEY: Red, red wine you make me feel so fine. You keep me rocking all of the time. Red, red wine you make me feel so fine.

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