Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Stampede To The White House, Special Delivery, Tom Foolery
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a mighty, mighty anchorman, Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in Brooklyn, N.Y., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Brooklyn. That's what they call a Brooklyn salute. We got a great show for everybody today. Since we are in Brooklyn, we figured we'd get some local color from a native born here in Brooklyn, graduated from Valley Stream High nearby. And he's a former firefighter with Engine Company 55 in Little Italy - gentleman by the name of Steve Buscemi, I think is how you say it, Steve Buscemi.

KURTIS: I think I know him.

SAGAL: He'll be joining us.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So no matter what your humble beginnings, we want you to call in and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924.

Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

KATE KENNY: Hi, how are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

KENNY: This is Kate Kenny. I'm calling from Los Angeles, Calif.

SAGAL: Oh, where - what do you do in Los Angeles?

KENNY: I am a Food Network producer. I make a lot of Food Network shows. "Chopped," "Sweet Genius," "Beat Bobby Flay" to name a few.

SAGAL: "Beat Bobby Flay"?

MIKE BIRBIGLIA: It's the most sadistic show on the Food Network.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Kate.

KENNY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian you can see on the third season of "Orange Is The New Black," June 12 on Netflix, and in the new movie "Trainwreck" premiering July 17, that's Mike Birbiglia.

BIRBIGLIA: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We also have a comedian and the head writer for "Inside Amy Schumer," it's Jessi Klein.

JESSI KLEIN: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

KENNY: Hey, Jessi.

SAGAL: And the former writer for "The Colbert Report" and "Late Night With Seth Meyers," he's appearing as an actor in this season of "Veep," it's Peter Grosz.

PETER GROSZ: Hi.

KENNY: Hey, Peter. Nice to meet you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Kate, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. You ready to play?

KENNY: I'm very excited. Yes.

SAGAL: Now for your quote, it's three in one. It's three quotes from three different people. First...

KURTIS: I am a candidate.

SAGAL: And?

KURTIS: I am a candidate.

SAGAL: And?

KURTIS: Yes, I'm running.

SAGAL: What large group just added three more people to its numbers?

KENNY: The Democratic Party? No.

SAGAL: Not the Democratic Party.

KENNY: Oh, the GOP did? Really?

SAGAL: Yes, the GOP added three new people who want to do what?

KENNY: Run for president.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: There are now even more - three more Republican candidates for president. This week with the addition of Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee and Carly Fiorina, we now have 120 million Republican candidates for president.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right. Every Republican in America is now running for president. Debates will be held in Texas, not in a theater in Texas, but in the entire state of Texas. Moderator Wolf Blitzer will stand at the edge of Oklahoma and shout.

(LAUGHTER)

BIRBIGLIA: I feel like Mike Huckabee, like he ran before. And that guy, like he doesn't do anything. Like he ran for president then he, like he, well, he plays bass. Is that...

GROSZ: Is that your argument for like what he can do?

(LAUGHTER)

BIRBIGLIA: Well, he also - he's the one who wrote the book "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy." Is that right?

SAGAL: Right, and I can say this 'cause I've tried it. Worst cookbook ever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But my favorite is Ben Carson. You know who this guy is?

GROSZ: Yes.

SAGAL: Ben Carson was a well-known neurosurgeon. Very inspirational figure who is running for president because the day after a few years ago, he appeared with President Obama at a breakfast and criticized the president to his face. The next day the Wall Street Journal wrote an editorial headlined, Ben Carson for president. Right, because as we know, criticizing somebody to their face means you get to have their job.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's why baseball teams are always inviting drunk guys from the bleachers to come out and pitch.

(LAUGHTER)

BIRBIGLIA: Yeah, it's like if a streaker ran out on a baseball field and they just tossed him a mitt and they're like, third base.

GROSZ: All right. Well, let me get a uniform and then yeah, I'll do it.

SAGAL: Kate, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I feel as though I had the baby myself.

SAGAL: That was one Amanda Copko of Oregon, one of the many excited people who actually was waiting in London just for a chance to glimpse who?

KENNY: Oh, at the new prince.

SAGAL: The new prince...

KENNY: Of England. Oh, it's a girl.

SAGAL: It's a girl. You didn't know, it's a girl.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Royal baby. The Princess, yes. This week actually saw the most important election in the United Kingdom in decades. It's the first one where a true multi-party system was - oh, it's a baby. People are so much more excited about the royal baby - a wrinkly, pink-faced little baby. So this is a lesson for everybody back in America, right? Don't run as a Republican or Democrat. If you want to get people excited, run as a baby.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I'm not even excited by any of the British people who are princes and Kings and Queens. Like, why would I care about the baby one?

SAGAL: 'Cause she's a princess.

BIRBIGLIA: I agree with Peter.

SAGAL: Do you?

GROSZ: I mean, the only thing that she's done is be born. Like, have a resume.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I feel bad for Kate Middleton that like now that she's had her second - like she has a baby and within 24 hours, she has to like trot out and look perfect. You know what I mean?

BIRBIGLIA: Oh, that she has to look perfect.

KLEIN: Like she always, she does - this is the second time where she comes out and she's - I guess she went through labor both times. And then she appears and she's like being glam-squadded.

SAGAL: It's true. As a matter of fact, she looked so good coming out of the hospital that there are actual conspiracy theories that she didn't actually have the baby.

KLEIN: No there are not.

SAGAL: No, because she looked too good. You know? People are like, well, maybe she had the baby but not in a normal way. Maybe the Royals have some different way of having babies. Like they just take a lock of her hair and they start a new one in a planter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: By the way, the new - I should say that the new royal baby - this is the second baby, as you say, first girl for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, fourth in line for the throne, and is named after a string of formal royalty. So her full name is Charlotte Diana Babar Latifah Berger.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: OK, so firstborn though was a boy.

SAGAL: Right.

GROSZ: From William and Kate.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: So then...

SAGAL: He's like third in line. But if he can't survive...

GROSZ: Fulfill the duties of being - standing there.

SAGAL: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That is kind of sad for them. They are born into a life like that where like, they are born into like the end of an era basically.

KLEIN: Oh, it's so sad.

SAGAL: It's so sad.

KLEIN: They're having such a bad time.

BIRBIGLIA: There's nothing sadder.

SAGAL: Yeah, what if they had dreams of living in poverty?

KLEIN: Yeah. They'll never have direct deposit.

SAGAL: Yeah.

KLEIN: How sad.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, your last quote comes from a disgruntled employee talking about one of his coworkers.

KURTIS: Tom sucks. I'm going to make that next ball an f-ing balloon.

SAGAL: Well, looks like that coworker is going to be in a little trouble with the NFL. Who is it?

KENNY: Tom Brady.

SAGAL: Tom Brady. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Tom Brady the quarterback.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Do you remember back in January before the Super Bowl when Tom Brady held a press conference denying all knowledge of the scandal known as Deflategate while wearing this funny winter hat? Well, it turns out that was his opposite cap.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Whatever he says while wearing it, he means the opposite. Sometimes at home, he puts it on and says to Gisele, we aren't the most gorgeous people ever to live. And they both laugh.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: They should take his handsomeness away as a punishment.

SAGAL: Really? Well, we were wondering about that.

GROSZ: They should give him some sort of scar across the face that he has to carry with him for the rest of his life.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you guys care about this?

KLEIN: Yes, I care.

GROSZ: Yes, this is so much more important than British children.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: I care. This is dividing my household. This is very personal.

SAGAL: Really?

BIRBIGLIA: Your husband is a huge Tom Brady fan, right?

KLEIN: My husband is - yeah. Tom Brady is important to him.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: And I kind of hate him.

SAGAL: You hate Tom Brady?

KLEIN: Yeah, 'cause Tom Brady - and I can acknowledge like solid football skills, like clearly.

SAGAL: Oh, you mean on Tom Brady's part.

KLEIN: On Tom Brady.

SAGAL: He is good at playing football.

KLEIN: He's pretty good at playing football.

BIRBIGLIA: Oh, you think he's good at it?

KLEIN: He's OK at it.

BIRBIGLIA: Oh, OK.

KLEIN: He seems to practice football probably a couple times a year. But when Tom Brady - I just saw like a clip of some press conference he did where he said, look, I don't thing. And I was like, I know, Tom Brady.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: We know you don't know everything, like he's kind of a bag of rocks, that guy.

SAGAL: I cannot stand the way you women look at a really good-looking guy just assume he's stupid. You know?

KLEIN: Oh, no, I'm not assuming it. He's proven it over and over again.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Kate do on our quiz?

KURTIS: You know, we're going to give Kate all three. She's a winner.

SAGAL: Great. Thank you so much, Kate. Congratulations.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG)

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