Panel Round Two More questions for the panel: Beam Me Up, Scotland Yard, Take Me Out To The Sad Game, Too Much Of A Good Thing.
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Panel Round Two

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Panel Round Two

Panel Round Two

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Bobcat, recently-released documents from Scotland Yard reveal that officials in the U.K. had been keeping tabs on a certain group of people worried that this group may one day rise up against the rest of society. Who was this group of potential insurgents?

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: The Amish.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, almost as harmless though - I'll give you a hand. You can tell they're ready for revolt when they put on their red shirts and set their phasers to kill.

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, leprechauns.

(LAUGHTER, CROSSTALK)

GOLDTHWAIT: No, Trekkies.

SAGAL: Trekkies, yes. "Star Trek" nerds.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: People who obsessively love "Star Trek" seem harmless. They go to conventions, they dress up as crew members of the Enterprise, they host public radio quiz shows. But according to a secret file released to just this week, about 16 years ago, the British police were worried that fans of "Star Trek" as well as "The X-Files" and other dorky shows might rise up in a frenzy at the end of the millennium and go on killing sprees. This is true. Apparently this was seen as a sort of cultish mindset that could lead to violence. But what were they worried about, a whole bunch of pasty-faced nerds running around and giving people the Vulcan nerve pinch and crying when it didn't work?

ADAM FELBER: That's an unflattering representation of "Star Trek" fans, people.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

SAGAL: I feel...

FELBER: Some of them were liked in high school.

FAITH SALIE: I have mentioned this on the show before, so it's a little obnoxious of me, but I was on, "Star Trek," and I was beamed up, and I have found the fans to be nothing but lovely and very timid.

SAGAL: Yes, that's my point.

SALIE: (Laughter) And very polite.

SAGAL: Yes. First of all, you weren't on the real "Star Trek," so shut up.

FELBER: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: See this is what England was worried?

SALIE: Wow.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Adam, the Washington Nationals baseball team this season has been using a new strategy to give themselves an edge. While their opponents are on the field taking batting practice, the Nationals do what?

FELBER: Takes selfies with them.

SAGAL: No.

FELBER: Turn their backs.

SAGAL: No, that would be cruel and cold. This is more subtle.

FELBER: Cheer them on.

SAGAL: No, that would be pointless.

FELBER: No, it would get in there heads.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

FELBER: Could I have a hint?

SAGAL: Yeah. Nothing like a little candle in the wind to get you pumped up to compete.

FELBER: "Candle In The Wind," Elton John stuff - like sad music?

SAGAL: Sad music. They play sad music so when the...

FELBER: Oh, that's brilliant.

SAGAL: Isn't it good? When the Nationals players warm up, they get all the usual pump up songs. You get your AC/DC, your Jay-Z, your jock jams. But as soon as the visiting team steps onto the field, the music switches to songs like "Tears In Heaven" and "Cats In The Cradle," you know? It's hard to crush your home runs and BP when you're thinking about how your dad was too busy to play catch.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: On the other hand, you became a Major League Baseball player, so go to hell, Dad.

FELBER: Trying to swing the bat, and they're going like, yup, that levee was dry.

SAGAL: Yeah. Everybody died in the Edmund Fitzgerald - everybody? Hey, skipper, do you think Gitche Gumee ever gives up its dead?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Faith, a new study has found that contrary to popular belief, couples are less happy - less happy - the more time they spend doing want?

SALIE: Less happy the more time they spend - well, having sex?

SAGAL: Yes, exactly right.

SALIE: What?

SAGAL: I know. Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University wanted to test the popular theory that couples who sleep together more are happier, so they asked a group of couples to double the amount of sex they were having and to keep a record of their feelings.

FELBER: Oh.

SAGAL: Married couples with children immediately assumed this was a trick 'cause if you double zero, you still have zero. And to everybody's surprise, almost across-the-board, the couples reported that as their frequency of intimacy increased, their happiness decreased. Well, researchers...

SALIE: What?

FELBER: Well, of course.

SAGAL: I know.

SALIE: What do you mean, of course?

FELBER: Well, you think that just forcing a couple to have twice as much sex is going to make them happier?

SAGAL: Faith Salie in...

SALIE: I've got two kids in diapers, and I never see my husband, so that's what this was about.

SAGAL: Faith Salie in forced intimacy.

SALIE: If someone forced me to have sex, it would be really good. I mean consensually and with my husband.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Don't call in, America.

GOLDTHWAIT: If somebody forced you to have sex with your husband? That's the weirdest statement ever. How did you even get kids?

(LAUGHTER)

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