OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Let's welcome back our Very Important Puzzler, Jim Gaffigan.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Oh, thanks. Thanks you guys. That means - thank you. Well, it would be weird if they didn't clap, right?
JIM GAFFIGAN: If they're like, here's Jim Gaffigan, and you're like, oh, let's see.
EISENBERG: Oh, here we go. You are familiar with the latest trend, the dad bond.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yeah, I think I do.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yes.
EISENBERG: How do you feel about it?
JIM GAFFIGAN: I feel like, for every David Beckham, there's a lot of dad bods.
EISENBERG: I mean, you make a name for yourself writing material about food - and, like, not healthy food, right? Hot dogs, bacon, Hot Pockets, cake. Do you ever get any backlash from health nuts that are like, you need to send a better message out there?
JIM GAFFIGAN: My wife - my lovely wife - we wrote a book that was decidedly not health focused, and there was an ongoing debate for a month. She wanted me to include a disclaimer at the beginning that said no one should eat like this.
JIM GAFFIGAN: So yeah, there's definitely, you know, there are definitely people that are - think that I'm a proponent of unhealthy eating. I'm, like, the opposite of Michelle Obama.
EISENBERG: And it's true that you predicted a menu item at Dunkin' Donuts what, like, 10 years ago, in a comedy act?
JIM GAFFIGAN: I prefer the term profit.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Food profit, if you will. I mean, and it's frightening 'cause in the joke, you know, I commented that someone at Dunkin' Donuts was hearing this joke and was going to follow-up and do it, and they did it.
EISENBERG: Which is the glazed donut breakfast sandwich is what...
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yes.
EISENBERG: Have you tasted the glazed donut bacon sandwich?
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yes, I have. I've been to a state fair.
JIM GAFFIGAN: It's not America's proudest moment.
JIM GAFFIGAN: But it shows that innovation is still alive.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Sure, you know, the - you know, Silicon Valley is doing important stuff, but what about the fast food companies?
They're doing some good.
EISENBERG: Well, your quiz is naturally about foods...
JIM GAFFIGAN: OK.
EISENBERG: ...That help you get the dad bod you've always dreamed of.
JIM GAFFIGAN: I hope I do I well on this.
EISENBERG: You're going to do great.
JIM GAFFIGAN: I've done enough research...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...Right?
EISENBERG: If you get enough correct, Megan Byers of Anchorage, AK is going to be sent an ASK ME ANOTHER prize.
JIM GAFFIGAN: I'm ready.
EISENBERG: OK, so here are some fun facts. The package of what Kellogg's breakfast pastry carries the following warning - due to possible risk of fire, never leave your toasting appliance or microwave unattended?
JIM GAFFIGAN: Lego (ph) waffles.
EISENBERG: Lego waffles?
JIM GAFFIGAN: I don't know. I don't know brands...
EISENBERG: That's a good idea.
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...Like, I love how people are disappointed.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Like, you know what, this guy's a charade...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...He - you know, he pretends to eat horribly, but he doesn't know the packaging.
EISENBERG: Pop-Tarts is what we were going for.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Oh, Pop-Tarts.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Oh that's - I feel disappointed. I should have...
JIM GAFFIGAN: I feel like I let America down a little bit.
JIM GAFFIGAN: It is amazing, you know, having over a thousand children...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...To see. 'Cause my wife, you know, does not buy, like, Pop-Tarts but, you know, inevitably, they come across it. And they're baffled. They're amazed. They're like, why aren't we eating these all the time?
JIM GAFFIGAN: It's kind of like when you have a kid from New York City and they visit Los Angeles. They're like, why don't we live here?
JIM GAFFIGAN: Why would we be living there when the business you work in is here?
EISENBERG: According to their official websites, which of these foods has the most calories? Is it A) one classic Cinnabon roll, B) one McDonald's double quarter-pounder with cheese...
JIM GAFFIGAN: Delicious.
EISENBERG: ... A half-family tray of KFC extra-crispy tenders with a biscuit and a 12-ounce Dr Pepper?
JIM GAFFIGAN: I'll have all of those.
JIM GAFFIGAN: All right, so let's break this down.
EISENBERG: All right.
JIM GAFFIGAN: First of all, we all know that Cinnabuns are lethal, right?
JIM GAFFIGAN: But that's where you're trying to trick me.
EISENBERG: Could be.
JIM GAFFIGAN: And then what's the second one?
EISENBERG: Double quarter-pounder with cheese.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Delicious.
JIM GAFFIGAN: And then there's that KFC stuff. By the way, the good people at KFC sent me an enormous painting of me with Colonel Sanders.
JIM GAFFIGAN: And I have material about KFC bowls, but you know, it's not like, I'm this huge advocate. Maybe they were like, this guy's eating himself to death...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...Let's send him a painting. It's got to be the Cinnabun.
EISENBERG: It is the Cinnabon.
EISENBERG: Eight-hundred and eighty calories in one classic Cinnabon.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Oh, and everyone act like they've never eaten one.
JIM GAFFIGAN: They're like, whoa, unbelievable...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...I only go to Wolfgang Puck and get a salad...
JIM GAFFIGAN: ...I've never even smelled one.
EISENBERG: Yeah, the healthy choice is the double quarter-pounder with cheese.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Delicious.
EISENBERG: All right. This is your last question. In 2004, a Pittsburgh man named Carl Grady unsuccessfully sued the makers of what snack, claiming that the triangular chips were so hard and had such sharp corners, they tore his little gentle esophagus.
JIM GAFFIGAN: I think we all know this answer.
JIM GAFFIGAN: All right, triangles. The go-to thing is - you would go to Doritos, right? But I think Cheez-Its might be triangle. No? Well, there's a version of it.
JIM GAFFIGAN: It's got to be Doritos.
EISENBERG: It is Doritos.
EISENBERG: I have seen those three - just the 3-D, I think they'd make it...
JIM GAFFIGAN: We had them. You know, we - you know, our kids had a piano recital, and like responsible parents we went into Subway got them some chips.
EISENBERG: Yeah. Good parents.
JIM GAFFIGAN: My kids got like, the healthy - kind of - ones and I got the 3-D ones 'cause I have the soul of a 10-year-old.
JIM GAFFIGAN: And - delicious chemicals. That's what I would say. Jonathan, you're nodding, you've had them.
JONATHAN COULTON, HOST:
Doritos - I was with you on the double quarter-pounder with cheese.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yeah. It's my favorite McDonald's burger, absolutely.
COULTON: Yes, and Doritos - I would have any flavor of Dorito...
JIM GAFFIGAN: Yeah.
COULTON: ...Sight unseen, put it in my mouth, I want to eat it, it's going to be delicious. I guarantee.
EISENBERG: You did amazing. You were perfect...
JIM GAFFIGAN: Thanks so much.
EISENBERG: ...So congratulations.
JIM GAFFIGAN: Thanks so much you guys.
EISENBERG: You and Megan Byers both get an ASK ME ANOTHER Rubik's Cube. One more time for our VIP, Jim Gaffigan.
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