ROBERT SIEGEL, HOST:
The political campaigns are taking a break. The candidates and their campaign staffs are spending some time with their families. The markets are closed today, so are many stores and businesses. As for the weather, we're marking record-high temperatures along the East Coast and chilly and wet weather in Southern California. Tornadoes took a number of lives earlier this week in the South and the Midwest. But so far, this Christmas Day is milder and it's calmer. There are thousands of U.S. troops deployed across the Middle East, Africa, Asia and Europe. And though it's not exactly peace on Earth, they are not actively employed in combat operations either. All told, we figure it's a good day to take a break from the news. So we're going to suspend reality for a bit on Christmas Day. We bring you instead a story woven out of fantasy - admittedly one that plays on current headlines. It's called "Santa For President." This audio fiction comes to us from producer Jonathan Mitchell. The guy behind an ironically named podcast called The Truth. So without further ado, here is "Santa For President." We begin at the North Pole where two mysterious strangers have just arrived by sled at the offices of Santa Claus.
(SOUNDBITE OF RADIO PLAY, "SANTA FOR PRESIDENT")
RACHEL DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Remember, we only get one shot at this. So when we get in there, just follow my lead.
RUSSELL G. JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Right behind you.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) He needs to believe we're pros. Don't act star struck and don't get distracted by...
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Is that a photo of Rudolph?
DRATCH: (As Carole Pearson) ...Shiny objects.
SHAINA FEINBERG: (As Santa's secretary) Welcome to the North Pole. May I help you?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Carol Pearson and Jim Longhorn for Santa Claus.
FEINBERG: (As Santa's Secretary) You have an appointment?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Yes, 3 p.m.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) We're a little early - managed to catch an earlier slay.
FEINBERG: (As Santa's secretary) Uh-huh. A Ms. Pearson and Mr...
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Longhorn.
FEINBERG: (As Santa's secretary) ...Longhorn to see you, sir, from...
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Pearson Associates - political consultants.
FEINBERG: (As Santa's secretary) Political consultants? Your 3 o'clock. (Laughter) He'll be with you in a moment. Can I get you anything, hot cocoa?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) I'd love a coffee.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Oh, make that two.
FEINBERG: (As Santa's secretary) We have cocoa - that's all we have.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Of course.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Right.
TOM LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Ho, ho, ho. Come on in.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Mr. Claus.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Please call me Santa.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Carol Pearson, and this my deputy, Jim Longhorn.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Hello.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, have a seat. What can I do you for today?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) I'm going to cut right to the chase, Santa. We need you. Your country needs you - assuming your country is the US of A, which we hope it is.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Or Canada - we can work with Canada.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, I was born the Germantown section of Philadelphia.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Pennsylvania.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Swing state.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Wait a minute, what do you mean needs me?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) To unite us, to inspire us, to lead us.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Lead you, where?
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Anywhere you like - that's the great thing about the job.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) What job?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) We want you to run for president.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus, laughter) You must be confusing me with someone else.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Really? Last time I checked, there's only one Santa.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Well, technically, there's thousands of them, at least one per shopping mall. But...
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) One true Santa - Santa the non-politician, who, for generations has been making Americans' dreams come true. Santa, the iconoclast who keeps his own list, makes his own rules and doesn't need Washington telling him what to do. Santa - the ultimate outsider. So much the outsider, he might as well live on the North Pole.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, as you can see, I do live on...
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) And now he's ready to sled on into this election, shattering the political mold.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Into a million pieces.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) But I've never even held...
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Elective office.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) We know.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I've never even...
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Never even voted.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Ingenious.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) It's like you've been planning this your whole life.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Yeah, we're on to you, Santa.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Your resume - unimpeachable.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Literally.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Your approvals - through the roof. I mean, sure, we've got some work to do - nonbelievers and such.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Nonbe-whats?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) But that's where Jim and I come in. We'll work with you, mold you.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Like a beautiful ice sculpture.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, I do love ice sculptures.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) We need you, Santa. America needs you. All we want for Christmas is you.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) What do you say?
CONNIE RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) But honey, you're hundreds of years old.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, so what? Reagan was almost 70.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) And reporters - they pry into our personal lives.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, what personal lives? We're the definition of an old married couple.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Me, a political wife, first lady?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) You could do such good, take on a cause.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I've got a cause - Christmas. And so do you.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Not exactly, but it's only one day a year, one day out of 365. But this way we could spread joy and cheer all year long. That's what presidents do - spread joy and cheer.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I don't think it's that simple.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, maybe it should be, maybe Americans would be a heck of a lot happier if their politicians spent less time arguing and more time ho-ho-hoing.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I don't know.
LIGON: (As Mrs. Claus) Come on, Angela, honey, you watch C-SPAN. You know what it's like down there in Washington, all that fighting. Why, I could be the post-post-partisan president Americans so desperately want. Isn't that Santa's job, to give people what they want?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Well...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Come on, what do you say?
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
T.J. MANNIX: (As reporter #1) The gift-giver-in-chief has thrown his Santa hat into the presidential race, announcing his candidacy before thousands of cheering supporters in Richmond, the capital of the all-important swing state of Virginia.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he wants to be your president.
(APPLAUSE)
UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR #1: (As character) We love you, Santa.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Are you happy with the status quo?
UNIDENTIFIED ACTORS #1: (As characters) No.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Isn't it time you were happy every day of the year?
ACTORS #1: (As characters) Yes.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Isn't it time politicians in Washington stopped bickering and started running our country like I run our Christmas?
ACTORS #1: (As characters) Yes.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Isn't it time we woke up every single day and said it's Christmas morning in America?
(APPLAUSE)
ACTORS #1: (As characters, chanting) Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa...
LAUREN ASHLEY SMITH: (As reporter #2) Santa's announcement was long on festivity and short on specifics. But that didn't seem to bother his excited supporters.
KERRY KASTIN: (As Santa supporter) I just want to wake up every morning and have it be Christmas morning.
UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR #2: (As Santa supporter) I'm Jewish - I mean, I don't even celebrate Christmas. But who doesn't like Santa, you know? The guy makes you smile.
UNIDENTIFIED ACTOR #3: (As Santa supporter) I think Santa would be a good president. Also, I want presents every day - a (unintelligible) break out the lego, dinosaurs, remote-control jet, construction chain, sled and cellphone watch, spy rover, cotton candy maker...
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) What do you think of this mock-up of the campaign poster?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) I told you - no necktie. I want him always in the suit.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) He's in a suit.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) The Santa suit.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Oh, my bad.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Where's my opposition research?
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Oh, right here, and careful, it's heavy.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Well, if it isn't the future president of the United States.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, my goodness, all these people.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Don't worry, we're not paying any of them.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) You're a thing, Santa. Even better than a person, you're a thing.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Have a seat. Now for the fun part.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Fun?
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) She's kidding. It's not fun at all.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Our opposition research on ourselves. We've dug up anything that someone else could use against you.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Against me?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Don't freak out, we do this for everybody. Trust me, running for president today is color-by-numbers.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) OK.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Taxes - we've got no record of you paying taxes.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, Mrs. Claus handles the books.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) That's right - Mrs. Claus handles the books. You had no knowledge of this unfortunate administrative discrepancy. And when you learned of it, you immediately corrected it. We'll amend, file, dump the news on Friday afternoon.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Probably only Al Jazeera picks it up.
DRATCH: Another red flag - oh, yes, all the names - Kris Kringle Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Pelznickel, what's that about?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, they're nicknames.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Have you opened bank accounts under all these names?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I don't know.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Overseas accounts?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I live on the North Pole - everything is overseas.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Don't need the details. Just need you to close them. From now on, one name - Santa, and you bank in America.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Nothing goes wrong when you bank in America.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) It says here you smoke.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I do not.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) I can smell it from here, Santa.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) It's the chimneys. I've spent a lifetime climbing up and down chimneys.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Well, that would do with.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) You know, I don't like all this questioning.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Nobody likes it, Santa, but it's the system. And when you run for president, you've got to work within the system.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) But I'm an outsider. Isn't that the point - that I come from outside the system?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Being outside the system is the new system - I know, confusing. Next, your marriage - any lust in your heart?
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
JO FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Spark and I are thinking about Aruba after Christmas when it's dead around here. You guys ever been to Sandals?
WILLY APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Like we'll ever have down time again after Santa becomes president. Hand me a Slinky.
PHEOBE TYERS: (As Bix) Slinky.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Who do you think will be saddled with the job of making people happy every day of the year? Trust me, after the election, we can all kiss vacations adios.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Nerf ball...
TYERS: (As Bix) Nerf ball.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Really?
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) You think Santa's even thought of staffing, of upgrading the equipment? Look at this conveyor belt just creaking along. Why am I the only one concerned with even basic maintenance around here?
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) I'm sure Santa will think of something. He just wants to make people happy.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Well, they won't be so happy when they realize we can't churn out Christmas every day of the year. And just how popular will President Santa be then when he's disappointing people left and right? Am I honestly the only student of history around here? Jenga.
TYERS: (As Bix) Wow, easy, Jenga.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Maybe you're right - maybe Santa didn't really think this whole president thing through.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) OK, now, remember what we talked about - you answer...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) The question I want, not the question I get.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) And ignore the moderator. Your only audience is...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Iowa and New Hampshire.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) The moderator...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Doesn't exist.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) She's what?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) A nobody.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) A nobody - you're a natural, Santa. Now go get 'em.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
HELEN COXE: (As debate moderator) By a random draw conducted earlier this evening among the various campaigns, the first question of the night will go to candidate Santa Claus.
(APPLAUSE)
COXE: (As debate moderator) Mr. Claus, your candidacy has inspired a lot of enthusiasm on the trail.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful?
COXE: (As debate moderator) No doubt because you've promised Americans all the happiness of Christmas every day of the year.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Ho-ho-ho.
COXE: (As debate moderator) But you've been short on specifics about how you'd achieve such year-round happiness, how you'd address the specific challenges facing Americans today - like, for example, the price of pharmaceuticals.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh?
COXE: (As debate moderator) How specifically would a Claus administration address the rising cost of prescription drugs in this country?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, Betsy...
COXE: (As debate moderator) I go by Elizabeth now.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, I see, Betsy's all grown up. OK, Elizabeth, I'll tell you what I tell everyone I meet from the Cornhuskers of Iowa to the tax-free shoppers of New Hampshire, I tell them put it on your list.
(APPLAUSE)
COXE: (As debate moderator) Could you elaborate?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, sure. If you're not naughty but nice, Santa will bring you the things you've put on your list - need prescription drugs? Put them on your list. Which drug do you need, Bets - Miss Elizabeth?
COXE: (As debate moderator) No, I'm not asking for myself specifically.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Why, I've been bringing you everything you've asked for since you were, what, 3 years old?
COXE: (As debate moderator) Well...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Remember that "Charlie's Angels" doll you asked for?
COXE: (As debate moderator) Action figure, actually.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Yes, you put Sabrina on your list because she was the smart one, just like you.
COXE: (As debate moderator) Well, thank you.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) And this is just like that - just put it on your list, right, America?
(APPLAUSE)
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Put it on your list.
UNIDENTIFIED ACTORS #2: (As characters, chanting) Put it on your list...
UNIDENTIFIED ACTORS #2 AND LIGON: (As characters, Santa Claus, chanting) ...Put it on your list, put it on your list...
ACTORS #2: (As characters, chanting) ...Put it on your list, put it on your list...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Ho-ho-ho...
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SIEGEL: You are listening to ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. And today for Christmas, we have a treat - an original radio play called "Santa For President." It comes to us from the podcast The Truth. Now back to our story.
(SOUNDBITE OF RADIO PLAY, "SANTA FOR PRESIDENT")
BILL ROHLFING: (As announcer) It's Christmas morning in America. Today, fewer men and women will go to work than any other day of the year, and they'll feel great about that. Children will wake up to that special toy they really, really wanted. Relatives will engage in spirited political discourse with nothing but joy and love in their hearts. It's Christmas morning in America, the happiest day of the year. Why wouldn't we want every day to be this happy? Santa Claus for president - Just Say Ho.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Just say ho, really?
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Mrs. Claus, are those people actors?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Why, I think the commercial is sweet in its own way.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Eggnog is sweet. That ad - that's manipulation.
TYERS: (As Bix) I prefer eggnog.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) The message is a little simplified, yes, but Santa's not a man for complications.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) But that's just it - running a country is very complicated. How is he possibly going to deliver on all those promises?
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Well, he has a plan, right, Mrs. Claus? Santa's not going to become president and just try to wing it?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) No. No - I mean, yes, yes, of course. He's working on a plan. His advisers - I'm sure they've got a plan.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Because if they didn't have a plan, we'd all be sunk - our credibility kaput. You know that, right?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Of course I know that.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) You're sure?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I'm quite sure.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Well, OK then.
TYERS: (As Bix) Everybody's sure.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Enough dawdling - we've got a Christmas to get ready for.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
MO ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) He's taking the country by storm - and we don't mean snowstorm. Santa Claus - The Gift of Leadership - ahead on "Good Morning Sunday."
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Beauregard Rocca, why, I'm a huge fan.
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) Well, you can call me Bo. And I'm a huge fan of yours, Santa.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus, laughter).
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) In fact, if my mother had told me that I'd be interviewing Santa Claus one day?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, come on, you're a precocious kid, and this wouldn't have surprised you one bit. Now, you remember that sweatshirt I got you, the one with those cat eyes on the back?
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) From the original Broadway cast of "Cats." Of course.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus, laughter) Oh, Bo, what a memory.
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) All alone in the moonlight - of course I remember, wow - which is why it pains me to raise this.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh?
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) I have here a copy of a formal complaint filed with the Department of Labor alleging that your workshop pays its elf force zero - let me repeat $0 an hour for their work product.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, they don't do it for the money.
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) Not only is that a blatant violation of WTO labor standards...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) WT- what?
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) ...But under U.S. trade law, any goods produced using underage or unpaid labor - i.e. servitude...
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Servi-who?
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) ...Cannot be brought into the United States, meaning that for generations, Santa, what you've termed Christmas gifts are in fact contraband. And as contraband, they belong not to the children who received them but to federal customs authorities.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Even the "Cats" sweatshirt?
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) Even the "Cats" sweatshirt. Literally every gift you have ever given an American child is liable for seizure at any time by faceless government bureaucrats.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Oh, that's not good.
ROCCA: (As Bo Rocca) No, it isn't. So what do you have to say for yourself, Santa?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, I'd say put it on your list?
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
MANNIX: (As reporter #1) The wheels are off the sled. The Claus campaign for president is in utter disarray this morning following an admission by the candidate himself that he has repeatedly violated international labors...
SMITH: (As reporter #2) Flustered campaign officials are trying to argue that U.S. labor laws do not apply to the far-northern jurisdiction in which their candidate resides.
(CROSSTALK)
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) This is is nothing but a governmental power grab, an exercise in extraterritoriality that should...
UNIDENTIFIED ACTRESS: (As reporter #3) So you're saying that Santa is above the law?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) No. What I'm saying is that...
ACTRESS: (As reporter #3) What other laws is has Santa broken?
MANNIX: (As reporter #1) Why haven't you released his taxes?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Mrs. Claus handles the books.
ACTRESS: (As reporter #3) Naughty or nice - how does he know? Is he using wiretaps?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) No, of course...
SMITH: (As reporter #2) A pattern of breaking into homes by the millions every year.
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) What?
MANNIX: (As reporter #1) Isn't it true that his entire life story is fiction?
(GASPS)
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) No comment.
(SOUNDBITE OF CRACKLING FIRE)
LIGON: (As Santa) I've been reduced to a caricature. Can you imagine Santa, a caricature?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Drink your cocoa, sweetie. It'll make you feel better.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus, drinking).
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Well, Mr. and Mrs. Claus, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Candy cane?
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Yes, please.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) How bad is it?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Real bad. Our numbers across the board - slashed. The share of voters who say Santa, quote, unquote, "cares about people like me" - rock bottom.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Nobody wants to have a beer with you.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) So what do we do?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) I'm sorry, but you've got to drop out.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) You can bounce back in a couple of years, run for - I don't know - comptroller?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Definitely maybe.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Would you give us the room, please?
DRATCH: (As Carol Pearson) Of course.
JONES: (As Jim Longhorn) Merry Christmas.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I just wanted to make a difference, Angela - to make people happy, every day.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I know, sweetie.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) And now nobody's happy - not with me - all because of one lousy labor complaint. Who would do that to me?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Honey.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) It had to be someone who - the elves.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Now, don't jump to conclusions.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Why would they - of all people.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) No - honey, wait.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Poor Santa, having his good name dragged through the snow like that.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) This whole thing has been terrible for his Q score.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) OK, elves, gather around.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) Kris, hold on.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Now, now, we're a family. And a family tells each other the truth, especially at the holidays.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Where is this going?
TYERS: (As Bix) Beats me.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) It's true, we don't get paid for what we do here, though we do have a generous 11 months of vacation and unlimited candy canes. We do it for love - love of children, love of Christmas. So I need to know, why would you file that labor complaint?
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Us?
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Do we sound like Deep Throat to you?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) It was me.
(SOUNDBITE OF GASPING)
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) Angela.
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) I'm sorry, sweetie. But we just can't deliver happiness every day of the year - no one can. And I knew that when voters realized that, they'd turn against you, tarnishing your legacy, putting Christmas itself at risk. I couldn't let that happen. I had to save you. I had to save Christmas.
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I - I don't know what to say.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) She's right, Santa. The joy of Christmas is enough. It's always been enough.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) So can we just leave the politicking to the professionals?
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) And the retired neurosurgeons?
TYERS: (As Bix) The reality TV hosts.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) The peanut farmers.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) The Screen Actors Guild presidents.
TYERS: (As Bix) The quirky billionaires.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) The rainbow coalescers.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) The pizza delivery execs.
TYERS: (As Bix) The audaciously hopeful community organizers.
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) And the wives slash kids of other politicians?
RAY: (As Mrs. Claus) What do you say, honey?
LIGON: (As Santa Claus) I say, ho-ho-ho.
FIRESTONE: (As Trixie) Yay.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
APPELMAN: (As Buzz) Oh, hey, one thing, though. We're on the fed's radar now, so you really do have to start paying us.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS")
UNIDENTIFIED SINGER: (Singing) I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree.
SIEGEL: Our Christmas story, "Santa For President," was produced by Jonathan Mitchell and written by Mario Correa. Among the voices you heard - Rachel Dratch, Mo Rocca and Tom Ligon as Santa Claus. The story came to us from the podcast, The Truth, which is the part of the Radiotopia network from PRX. You can learn more about them at thetruthpodcast.com. Happy holidays from all of us at ALL THINGS CONSIDERED from NPR News.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS")
SINGER: (Scatting).
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