Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Supreme Game, Making Advice Great Again, Havanabama

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Forget about March Madness. Let's play basket-Bill - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to actor Andre Royo. He first became known for his work on HBO's "The Wire," where he played Bubbles, a heroin addict who finds his way to redemption. Andre now stars as a lawyer on the hit show "Empire," which makes it look like Bubbles beat addiction but then fell into something even worse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We don't care if you've hit bottom. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.

PETER GLAZER: Hi Peter. This is Millie from Monroe, N.C.

SAGAL: Hey Millie. How are you?

GLAZER: I'm great. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm well. Now, is Millie short for something, or is it short for Milli...

GLAZER: It's short for Mildred.

SAGAL: Mildred?

GLAZER: Yes.

SAGAL: Hey Millie, how are you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tell me...

GLAZER: Thank you.

SAGAL: Tell me what you do there in Charlotte.

GLAZER: I work for a large utility company and project controls reporting.

SAGAL: What is project control?

GLAZER: Projects do - put in a lot of meters and we keep control of things.

SAGAL: I understand, so you're controlling...

GLAZER: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...The projects.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I get it.

GLAZER: Sort of, yes.

SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel, Millie. First up, it's a veteran of "The Colbert Report" and "Late Night With Seth Meyers." It's Peter Grosz.

PETER GROSZ: Hi Millie.

GLAZER: Hi Peter.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a lightly-employed humorist who will be appearing with storytellers and a mission April 9 at the Latchis Theatre in Brattleboro, Vt. It's Tom Bodett.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And making her debut on our panel, it's a comedian and the host of FriendsLikeUs with comedy dates you can find at marinafranklin.com, it's Marina Franklin.

(APPLAUSE)

MARINA FRANKLIN: Thank you. Hi. Hi Mildred.

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Millie. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Ready to play?

GLAZER: I am.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "And he put himself through Harvard Law School by selling his comic book collection.

SAGAL: That was President Obama laying out the qualifications of Merrick Garland, the man he decided to hang out to dry...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...By nominating him to what?

GLAZER: The Supreme Court.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed, Millie...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...The Supreme Court.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Just as Scalia's body had barely traded stare decisis for rigor mortis...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...When Republicans said they would not consider any nominee to replace him picked by President Obama, based on the Constitution's little-known no-backsies clause.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So President Obama knew whoever he nominated wasn't going to get confirmed no matter what he did. We don't know why he just didn't mess with the Senate - like, here's my dog, Bo.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Look how cute he looks in a robe.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But no, he nominated what was supposed to be a consensus choice - this older white guy, a moderate who Obama stressed over and over everybody likes. He's nice, he's smart. His name sounds like an old-timey Christmas tradition. Hey honey, let's bring out the Merrick Garland and drink some 'nog.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Let's bring out the Merrick Garland then not let it be part of Christmas.

SAGAL: I know.

GROSZ: We won't even be hearing anything from the Merrick Garland on principle.

SAGAL: I don't know if you watched the announcement in the Rose Garden, but as soon as Judge Garland stepped to the microphone, he started sobbing. Well, wouldn't you? It's like being a cow who just got nominated to dinner.

(LAUGHTER)

TOM BODETT: I thought - it's brilliant what's happening here. It's like if you've got - if you've ever had, like, a car deal go south on you? You know, where the dealer just hates you and you hate the dealer. Years later you go back.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: And you say I want to buy that car except I'm not negotiating with you. I don't want to negotiate. I'm going to give you what you're asking for for the car.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: No, I'm not selling you this car. Listen, my wife's going to come in here and give you half what that car's worth, so...

SAGAL: I think at this point, we're really dealing...

BODETT: I mean, I think this is what's happening...

SAGAL: Aren't we dealing more, Tom, with your experience with a particular auto dealer...

BODETT: No.

SAGAL: ...Than the Supreme Court? It seems like we're talking about something else.

BODETT: Well, when that idea came into my head it made so much more sense...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: ...Than it did as it passed out of my mouth.

GROSZ: It's like this - it's like you're trying to come up with a metaphor for something, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: Well, exactly.

GROSZ: And you've got a perfectly good one, and you think hey, you should accept this metaphor.

BODETT: Right.

GROSZ: And then you just keep talking. And then you realize this isn't a very good metaphor...

BODETT: No, exactly.

GROSZ: ...At all.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, I think what you're trying to say is that President Obama made the Senate an offered that he didn't think they would refuse. So many Republicans are on record praising the man. The White House played an audiotape of Orrin Hatch back in 2010 asking Judge Garland if he wanted to, quote, "Netflix and chill."

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Obama should have dressed up like a different person and, like, someone they like...

SAGAL: Changed his voice.

GROSZ: Yeah, and, like, my name is Darrell Williams. I just became president. I have white skin. This is the person I'm nominating. Oh, President Williams, I like this guy...

FRANKLIN: And by the way...

GROSZ: He's very interesting.

FRANKLIN: Whiteface is always acceptable...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: It is.

FRANKLIN: ...Just so you know.

SAGAL: All right.

BODETT: You know, he should've found, like, some lawyer or some circuit judge somewhere named Alexander Hamilton...

SAGAL: Oh yeah.

BODETT: ...And nominated - Senate refuses to interview Alexander Hamilton. That would just work beautifully.

GROSZ: He should've nominated Mitch McConnell, and then Mitch McConnell's head would have exploded.

SAGAL: It'd be like one of those androids...

GROSZ: Yeah.

SAGAL: ...On the old "Star Trek."

GROSZ: (Imitating robot) I must refuse myself. I'm in a recursive loop of hatred.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For your next quote, Millie, here is somebody describing who he consults for foreign-policy advice.

KURTIS: "I'm speaking with myself number one because I have a very good brain."

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: "And I've said a lot of things."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So who is constantly talking to himself about foreign policy?

GLAZER: Donald Trump?

SAGAL: Yes, indeed...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Donald Trump.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Oh yes, clap for Donald Trump. You might as well get used to it because it will be required soon.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You've got to give Donald Trump points. Many people hear voices in their heads telling them to do crazy things, but few admit it live on "Morning Joe."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's worth pointing out in regard to that remarkable thing that Donald Trump said that Donald Trump's famous for his adjectives - things are huge, amazing, unbelievable, terrific. But when talking about his own brain he just went with very good.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Yeah, that's almost like admitting a disability in his case, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Exactly. Now, Mr. Trump of course won 4 out 5 states on Tuesday. People are still saying he can be stopped at a contested convention. GOP leadership, the people who are against Trump, they don't - they say it's not going to be a contested convention. No, they want to call it an "open convention," quote, unquote. Like, an open marriage, you know? It sounds fun and sexy, and then your wife starts dating Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That would actually be a great way to figure out who's president is you have a key party. And then all the Republican candidates just put their keys in a bowl...

BODETT: Oh yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...And then whoever's...

SAGAL: This...

GROSZ: ...Key's get picked out the most - we just get screwed by them for four years.

SAGAL: I actually...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, Millie - here - here Millie is your last quote.

KURTIS: "I would also love for you to come with your wonderful, lovely wife."

SAGAL: That was a man in Cuba writing to a man who is, in fact, finally coming to visit next week. Who is it?

GLAZER: President Obama.

SAGAL: Yes indeed, President Obama...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yes. Barack Obama is going to Cuba. That is not an email from your birther uncle. That is actual news.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mr. Obama will be the first sitting president to visit Cuba since Calvin Coolidge. True, around the brothels of old Havana, he was his howling Cal.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Can't keep him silent down here.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

BODETT: You get the boy out of Vermont...

SAGAL: So the president - this is all true. This has happened just this year, 2016, so far - he's hung out with Kendrick Lamar and Misty Copeland in the Oval Office. He's gone to South by Southwest. Now he's heading to Cuba for a road trip. It is not the last year of his presidency. It's the best year of his 20s.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: It's kind of awesome. He's just going to - I think this all he's going to do. He'll never wear a tie again...

SAGAL: No.

GROSZ: ...I also don't think. He's not going to come back from Cuba.

SAGAL: No, why would he?

BODETT: Wouldn't it be great to see him fall out the door of Air Force One...

GROSZ: Like Dean Martin holding a cocktail? Hey, how'd all these people get in my living room?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Millie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Millie's very smart. She got every single one right - all three.

SAGAL: Well done, Millie.

GLAZER: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations and thanks for calling.

GLAZER: Thanks for having me.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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