Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from this week's news: Panamaniacs, Cruzin' for Bruizin' and Getting to Second Base.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME, THE NPR news quiz. Yo quiero taco Bill - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Hello, thank you so much. Thank you. I share your excitement because we have a great show for you today. We're very excited about our guests, Jonathan and Drew Scott - aka the Property Brothers. They have this HDTV in which they help people renovate and style their dream homes. Now, they're going to be joining us over the phone because there is no way in the way the world we would ever let those guys see this pig stye.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So call us from whatever dank basement you're hiding in. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.

NATASHA HOLSTEIN: Hi. This is Natasha Holstein from Charleston, W. Va.

SAGAL: Hey Natasha Holstein. How are things in West Virginia?

HOLSTEIN: They're wonderful. It's starting to be spring, so we're excited.

SAGAL: Now, we have a producer, Ian Chillag, who's from West Virginia. He gets a little defensive when we make certain cruel West Virginia jokes. Would you like to hear them?

HOLSTEIN: I would love to.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, do you actually - do you have to put up with sort of West Virginian stereotypical jokes?

HOLSTEIN: Oh yeah.

SAGAL: And what do you say in response?

HOLSTEIN: Well, it's probably not appropriate but I say if you talk about uncle dad one more time we're going to fight.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Natasha. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a former writer for "The Colbert Report" and "Late Night With Seth Meyers," now appearing in HBO's "Vinyl." It's Peter Grosz.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER GROSZ: Hello.

HOLSTEIN: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing at Indianapolis, Ind., April 23 at Clowes Memorial Hall of Butler University, Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a humorist and storyteller who will be hosting The Moth Mainstage at the Somerville Theatre in Boston on April 26, it's Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hello Natasha.

HOLSTEIN: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Natasha, as I'm sure you can tell by the time on the clock, you're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. You know the rules - get two of them correct, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kassel's voice on your voicemail. Are you ready to go?

HOLSTEIN: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "Hello, my name is John Doe. Are you interested in data?"

SAGAL: That was an email sent more than a year ago to two investigative reporters in Germany. It led to this week's big international scandal known as what?

HOLSTEIN: Is that the Panama papers?

SAGAL: Yes, the Panama papers. Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good, the Panama papers.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Panama papers sounds like a brand of rolling paper. But actually, they are a dossier of millions of documents outlining international financial cheating in the hundreds of billions of dollars, although you could use them to roll an enormous doobie if you wanted.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So it turns out that Panama has become a place for rich and powerful people to stuff their stolen money. It's not a country. It's a huge mattress with a canal going through it.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know, what I don't understand about it is, like, they're finding out, like, the presidents of - you know, the premiers of Iceland...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: ...And - you know, the prime minister of Britain and - what are they thinking? I mean, these guys, like, they live on top-secret documents. I mean, they must know that anything is knowable.

SAGAL: I think that when they were presented with this chance to save in some cases tens of millions of dollars in taxes by doing shady things, their reaction was (evil laughter).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What is amazing is, as you said, all the people who - supposedly upright people who were involved in this thing - the prime minister of Iceland already had to resign, Prime Minister David Cameron of England, half the leaders in China, one official forced to resign because he was hiding money in Panamanian shell companies, the head of an ethics and transparency organization in Chile.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: And - this is true - action movie star Jackie Chan was involved.

GROSZ: Don't drag Jackie Chan into this.

SAGAL: I know, and it's so disappointing because we always heard that Jackie Chan always did his own money laundering.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And didn't also, like, the prime minister of Iceland resigned, and then the next day he said actually I don't resign?

SAGAL: Well, the reason that the prime minister got in trouble was he had invested secretly in these banks that - oh, just happen to bring down Iceland's economy a few years ago.

GROSZ: Right.

SAGAL: And they - protesters expressed their displeasure - this is true - by throwing yogurt at the halls of Parliament. That's how you express displeasure in Iceland - you throw yogurt. Here in America, when we throw yogurt, we're just indicating an intense dislike of having to have yogurt again.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Well, they throw yogurt - the first people throw yogurt on the top. And then on the bottom, a bunch of people throw, like, strawberries and blueberries. And then people throw granola under that. And then someone throws, like, a nice, like, mint leaf on the side.

BODETT: And then they have a march and they mix it up.

SAGAL: Yes. Oh no, not the protester parfait.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That's why Dannon keeps leaking information.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Natasha, your next quote is Republican Sen. Jim Risch. He was endorsing his favorite candidate for president on CNN.

KURTIS: "Did I just endorse him? I guess."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sen. Risch was one of many Republicans trying to muster some enthusiasm for who this week?

HOLSTEIN: I am going to step out on a limb and say Donald Trump?

SAGAL: No. In fact, the reason why Mr. Risch or Sen. Risch and so many other people are endorsing this other guy is they think he's the only chance they have left to stop Donald Trump.

HOLSTEIN: Oh, OK, Ted Cruz.

SAGAL: Yes, Ted Cruz...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Is the person who he was so enthusiastic.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So as you all know, on Tuesday, Donald Trump was just hammered in the Wisconsin primary. This is because Wisconsinites were offended by his awful off-brand cheese-head hat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It seems to be made of some kind of hair. It's just...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: It looks like smoked gouda hair.

SAGAL: It's terrible. So the Republican Party rejoiced - Trump lost, finally. Maybe his momentum is stopped, but the bad news is Ted Cruz won.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And seriously, this reminded us all of this very real story in the week's news where the guy drove off a cliff in Malibu, his car hanging on the edge of the cliff. He managed to climb out of it, stagger back to the road and got hit by a bus.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: (Laughter) Oh no.

SAGAL: It was like going to a doctor - it's like we've got your results back. The good news is you don't have Trump. But you do have stage four Cruz.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But, you know - OK, when I was a kid, we used to get - and this is tangentially related...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...As is...

SAGAL: We expect no less, Paula.

POUNDSTONE: As is everything I say. When I was a kid, we used to get the Sears catalog. And we were raised as such horrible consumers that my sisters and I would flip through every thin page of the Sears catalog. We played a game where you had to choose something from every page. You had to say what would you would get. And so you we would be at the men's underwear page, and we would say no. But if you had to...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And so I'm coming from that place when I talk about who I would choose among the Republicans.

SAGAL: So - so basically...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: But...

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: But why not - Kasich as a healthy alternative as a Republican?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well...

BODETT: Because he's not really on the page. He's on the underwear page, but he's just, like, the alternate size.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: He doesn't have a picture.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: He's the not-in-stock.

SAGAL: Exactly.

POUNDSTONE: But we can order it for you.

SAGAL: He's been discontinued.

GROSZ: Now, that's - Jeb Bush has been discontinued.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But Natasha, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "Maybe we'll come out wearing dresses tomorrow." Maybe that's what everybody's looking for."

SAGAL: That was a very angry manager named John Gibbons, who started the season of what major sport with bitterness and thinly-veiled misogyny?

HOLSTEIN: Umm...

SAGAL: Major sport...

HOLSTEIN: ...Baseball?

SAGAL: Baseball, yes, baseball.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: First week of baseball season and everybody is already hating on something. There was this play at second base last year in the playoffs which broke a guy's leg.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And so Major League Baseball changed - you're laughing at a broken...

POUNDSTONE: No, he said there was a play at second base. I thought you meant, like...

BODETT: Like a...

POUNDSTONE: ..."Annie."

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: "Hamilton" at second.

SAGAL: And now...

POUNDSTONE: (Singing) Tomorrow, tomorrow - get the hell out of the way.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That's how be broke his leg. They said break a leg to the guy doing the play, and then he broke a leg playing baseball. He screwed it up.

POUNDSTONE: I wasn't thinking sports.

SAGAL: No, apparently.

POUNDSTONE: Did I tell you I've been in talks with ESPN?

SAGAL: I would believe it.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, yeah. But, you know, when I go to a hotel and I have the remote and you come to - you know, you're flipping, flipping, looking for something decent, and it's a hundred channels and not a decent thing on. And you flip - and you come to that horrible sea of ESPN. You know, it's ESPN 1, ESPN 2, you know, the Golf Channel. The - people aren't even playing golf. They're talking about it.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I would rather pick men's underwear from the Sears catalog.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill - Bill, how did Natasha do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She's into baseball. She won 2 to 1.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations Natasha.

HOLSTEIN: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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