BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Forget generation X. I'm a Billenial (ph) - Bill Kurtis.
KURTIS: And here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thank you everybody.
SAGAL: So it's August, and the sun is shining, and everybody who's anybody is headed to the beach. But there's a problem. The beach is outside, and it's so hot out there.
KURTIS: Plus, have you ever tried to get sand out of a silk neck tie?
SAGAL: So instead of going out into the sunshine like suckers, we're staying inside next to the A/C and listening back to some favorite guests and never-before-heard interviews and games.
KURTIS: If you don't have air conditioning, you poor, unfortunate soul.
KURTIS: Maybe our first guests can help. Drew and Jonathan Scott are the dreamy identical twin stars of the home improvement show the "Property Brothers." They started our interview by offering to help us tell them apart.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)
JONATHAN SCOTT: It's obvious that I have the better butt. I know you know this. I know you've talked about it many times before.
SAGAL: Oh, we have. It is a constant source of...
J. SCOTT: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...Conversation in the WAIT WAIT... offices.
J. SCOTT: You know what happens when you pause your shows that much at those strategic spots...
J. SCOTT: ...It'll start to imprint on your TV screen, just so you know.
SAGAL: It's true. It'll burn in. But here on the radio, we're just - can you give us a good way of telling you apart as you speak?
J. SCOTT: It's hard on the radio to hear what we are, who we - look different. So Drew, if you could just use an elderly British lady voice, that would be great.
DREW SCOTT: (Imitating British accent) No problem.
SAGAL: That's very accommodating. Thank you, guys. So what is - you have a number of TV shows here and in Canada. But your big one here on HGTV is the "Property Brothers." Could you basically explain the premise of that show to those who are unfortunate enough to know...
D. SCOTT: Yeah, Jonathan and I work - on "Property Brothers," we work with people getting into their dream home. Basically, the premise is most people can't afford their dream home move-in ready or brand-new. So we're helping them still get that through a fixer-upper.
SAGAL: Now, which of you is the guy who starts that process by knocking down a wall with a hammer of some kind?
D. SCOTT: That would be me. That would be Drew. Oh, and I start the process, and then I hand it over to Jonathan. And then he picks up the hammer.
J. SCOTT: Drew fears doing anything that may result in a broken nail, so that's why he passes that along to me. I am not afraid of the rodents, you know, cockroaches, monkeys, whatever might be in there. And believe me, we have opened walls up to find the craziest, most disgusting things you could possibly imagine.
SAGAL: Like, oh, what?
J. SCOTT: Oh, my God. Actually, on the more pleasant side, I - which was kind of hilarious - I found an entire hidden antique "Playboy" collection.
J. SCOTT: And on the less-attractive side, I have found petrified rats who had chewed through electrical and met their demise. We also had a homeowner who - he had a rodent problem. It was actually a raccoon in his wall. To solve the problem - this is down in Texas - he ripped the wall - the panel back. He just shoved his handgun in there and shot a few rounds. And he got the raccoon. It was fine. But then after a couple of days, the smell started to get to him, and plus his plumbing and electrical stopped working 'cause he shot through it.
J. SCOTT: So we...
D. SCOTT: (Unintelligible)...
J. SCOTT: So do not solve a pest problem by firing rounds into your cavity.
SAGAL: So it's almost necessary that you have to dash somebody's hopes to get a good episode out of it?
D. SCOTT: Yeah, Jonathan doesn't like the part when I show them the house that's their dream home and then they can't afford it. He doesn't like that part. He thinks it's the Drew jerk part. But, you know, I'm trying to just bring people out of the clouds, show them you've got to be realistic if you want to have your dream home and you can afford it month to month.
J. SCOTT: Drew is playing it cool here. If Drew had a hairless cat that he could pet while doing that...
J. SCOTT: ...He would.
D. SCOTT: I have a very evil laugh.
SAGAL: So you want to have this house, do you? You'll never afford it, you peons.
PETER GROSZ: They do - I mean, they do, like, such a service to the couple that wants this house. But that is the one part of the show - even when my wife and I watch it, we're always like don't they - they know that they're walking into a house that they can't afford, right? They're just waiting for you to say how high the price is.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: We only cast for homeowners in areas vivid with really low intellect, so...
TOM BODETT: Boy, America's a goldmine for you guys...
GROSZ: Yeah, exactly.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: I'm glad you're not, like, plastic surgeons or something...
POUNDSTONE: ...You know? Imagine having a person and they say I want to look like this, and then you go you can't look like that.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: You can't afford that. Here's a witch's nose.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, exactly.
GROSZ: We have a couple leftover noses around here. Where are they?
SAGAL: And then it's like, however, we can fix it for you and Jonathan takes up a hammer and just goes after your nose.
J. SCOTT: We can save a lot of money by taking your ass fat and sticking it right here.
SAGAL: At the end of the show, of course, you deliver to these people, under budget, a perfect home, decorated with exquisite taste and all the fixtures are perfect. And it's wonderful, but it does make me wonder what do your houses look like?
D. SCOTT: Well, we actually shot a show about it - Jonathan and I shot last year. It was called "Property Brothers At Home." We sold our individual houses. We live in Vegas, and we got this one - what we call the Scott family compound. We both live there. We built a guest house next-door for our parents when they come down from Canada when there's 2 feet of snow. Jonathan put in a commercial-grade waterslide. That should give you an idea of the size of this renovation that we did for the house.
SAGAL: So wait a minute - you're identical twins, you're in business together, you do 50,000 TV shows together and you live together?
JONATHAN AND DREW SCOTT: We have bunk beds.
D. SCOTT: Yeah.
D. SCOTT: Giant 6-foot-5 bunk beds. Is that weird?
SAGAL: No, it isn't.
GROSZ: This is just like me and my brother.
SAGAL: Yeah, it's perfectly normal.
D. SCOTT: My girlfriend loves it.
SAGAL: I bet she does.
BODETT: My brother and I would do that, too, if I knew where he lived.
J. SCOTT: That could possibly be why Drew and Linda - Drew's girlfriend Linda - are looking for a place in LA right now. It's possibly to prevent me from third-wheeling on their life.
SAGAL: I have to ask you this because of course it's in part the subject of your new book, but it's also something I just went through. This is literally true. I just bought a new home. I'm getting ready to move in. And since I didn't consult you guys first, either on TV or in the book, what mistakes are you sure I made?
J. SCOTT: Well, first of all, you can't - you got to look at the things you can't change and did you look at location to make sure that you will never want to move again?
SAGAL: OK, that's one thing. What's another thing?
D. SCOTT: Lots of organization is always the biggest thing and trying to take on projects yourself, if you're doing any upgrades, and not bringing in professionals, oh, and also thinking you're Jonathan. There's that mistake.
J. SCOTT: You know, the funny thing is people will tweet me. They'll say, oh, hey, Jonathan, there's a wall I want to remove. I just want to make sure - how do I tell if it's something I can remove? Just the fact that you're tweeting me a structural question like you should never remove any wall in your house.
POUNDSTONE: I tweeted my brain surgeon and said, where do I make the incision?
SAGAL: I have to ask you guys because you're not just successful television people, entrepreneurs, realtors, et cetera - we're told that you both play the bagpipes?
D. SCOTT: (Laughter) Yeah...
J. SCOTT: Yeah.
D. SCOTT: ...We did. We competed for years.
J. SCOTT: Would you like to hear?
POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah.
D. SCOTT: Oh, man, I left them at home. I don't have the pipes handy. But I do have a dying cat here if you - I could substitute.
D. SCOTT: We got these cheap bagpipes. They're actually electric. And so you plug it into an amp, and then you don't actually have to do all the hard - like, the blowing is really hard. Your mouth gets numb. And then you can't keep a seal on it and keep the breath going. So now you just fake it, and then you just wiggle your fingers and it sounds much better.
D. SCOTT: That's kind of - that's my relationship advice as well. Just wiggle your fingers and it's so much easier.
SAGAL: Well, Jonathan and Drew Scott, it is a pleasure to talk to you both. We've asked you here though to play a game we're calling...
KURTIS: Have I Got a Match For You.
SAGAL: You two fix up homes. We're going to ask you about people that fix up people, namely matchmakers. Answer 2 out of these 3 questions about matchmaking and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who are the Scott brothers playing for?
KURTIS: Grace Lee of Missoula, Mont.
SAGAL: All right, you ready to do this?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: OK. I got your back, Grace Lee.
SAGAL: Here's your first question. There are some specialized matchmakers in the world, matchmakers who work in very narrow ranges of matchmaking, such as which of these? A, a matchmaker who specializes in tracking down and setting up dates with the attractive people whose faces come with new picture frames, B, Swiss matchmakers who help you find a mate for your single guinea pig, or C, matchmakers who find narcissists people to date who look just like them?
J. SCOTT: Well, seeing as I've surfed this site and...
D. SCOTT: Yeah.
J. SCOTT: ...Still have had no luck, I will go with C, the narcissist relationship hookup?
D. SCOTT: Yeah.
D. SCOTT: You know, Jonathan...
J. SCOTT: No, but yes...
D. SCOTT: ...Has looked for the female version of himself.
SAGAL: No, actually we made that up. I'm kind of terrified about how enthusiastic you guys are about it.
SAGAL: It turns out it's actually B, the guinea pig one. In Switzerland, ladies and gentleman, it is illegal to own a single guinea pig because they are social animals and it is seen to be cruel to them to make them live alone. Enter the guinea pig matchmaker who finds you mates for your guinea pig.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Wow.
SAGAL: All right, you still have two chances. Here is your next question. Matchmakers themselves do not always have the best of luck in love, as in which of these? A, a leading matchmaker in New York quit her $200,000 a year practice and became a nun because, quote, "I have come to loathe love," B, the founder of match.com got dumped when his girlfriend met another man on match.com...
SAGAL: ...Or C, the husband of the founder of the famous It's Just Lunch dating company filed for divorce saying sometimes a man has to have dinner?
J. SCOTT: Drew, I'll let you go first.
D. SCOTT: I'm hoping it's B.
SAGAL: So, Jonathan and Drew, you both agree that it's B?
D. SCOTT: Well, no, I was kind of leaning toward A, so you're going to have to prove to me why you think it's B.
J. SCOTT: What was A again?
SAGAL: A was a leading matchmaker in New York who quick her lucrative practice and instead joined a convent.
D. SCOTT: You know what they always say, if you can't do, teach, and if you can't teach, become a nun.
J. SCOTT: I don't think Drew understands what a nun is.
D. SCOTT: OK, we'll go with B. We'll go with B.
SAGAL: Your choice is B.
D. SCOTT: B.
SAGAL: And it was in fact B...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
D. SCOTT: Yes...
SAGAL: ...The founder of match.com...
D. SCOTT: ...All right.
SAGAL: What he said was...
SAGAL: What he said - well, I designed the site to appeal to women, and I guess it worked. All right, so you can get it all right if you get this last one correct. There are a lot of innovative ways online matchmaking sites use to find people a soul mate, including which of these? A, Genepartner, which examines your genome to find your genetically perfect mate, B, curmudgeonlove.com which matches people based on what they hate, or C, Commenter Couples, which sorts people by the crazy Internet comments they leave.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: So is that trollhookup.com?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Yeah.
BODETT: They deserve each other.
J. SCOTT: Once again B sounds the best to me.
SAGAL: That would be curmudgeonlove.com - instead of writing down things you enjoy, you write down things you hate.
J. SCOTT: I like to live in a naive bubble where people aren't negative when they're looking for love. And they're looking for the positive in someone else. But that would make me an idiot. Yes, we'll go with B.
SAGAL: You're both going to choose B?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Yes.
SAGAL: You agree on this?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Yes, B.
SAGAL: It's kind of beautiful that you agreed, but you're wrong together on that.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: What?
SAGAL: It was actually A - Genepartner because apparently the theory is that your genomes actually lead to compatibility. So you send in your DNA sample, they find somebody with a matching one. Bill, how did the Scott brothers do on our show?
KURTIS: Well, in this case, two heads are not better than one. You did get one right, Scott brothers, so we're proud of you there.
SAGAL: Yeah, well - well done. You can catch of the "Property Brothers" on HGTV and their new book "Dream Home: The Ultimate Guide To Finding And Fixing Your Perfect House" is out now. Jonathan and Drew Scott, thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
JONATHAN AND DREW SCOTT: Thank you so much.
SAGAL: Thank you guys.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: Coming up, a never-before-heard interview with one of the original producers of "The Simpsons," Mr. Bill Oakley. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
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