Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news ... Between A Wall and A Hard Place, Weiner-mobile Phone, Collie-graph Machine
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/492534958/492535950" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/492534958/492535950" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm the only man Tom Brady allows to tamper with his balls.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Yes, I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, at Tanglewood in Lennox, Mass., Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks, Bill, for that touch of class to start the show. It is great to be back here at Tanglewood, which has always been known as a home of the finest in music and culture and will be known that way again as soon as we leave.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to baseball legend Bill Spaceman Lee. One of the most colorful men whoever played the game.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: He played back before all the players used drugs to improve their performance. In Bill's day, they did it for fun.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, it's your turn. Give us a call. We're at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JIM PASCARELLA: Hi, Peter. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Who's this?

PASCARELLA: This is Jim Pascarella calling from Rancho San Diego, Calif.

SAGAL: Rancho San Diego?

PASCARELLA: Right.

SAGAL: Is that, like, near San Diego? Is that a - or are you using the antiquated name?

PASCARELLA: (Laughter) No, we're a suburb. We're about 15 miles east of San Diego in the scrub brush.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. I see. And how is life out there? It's getting hotter, right, every year.

PASCARELLA: It's beautiful. It's paradise. But you can come for a visit, but please don't stay.

SAGAL: I won't, believe me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Jim, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a humorist and author of the new book "Save Room For Pie," it's Roy Blount, Jr.

(APPLAUSE)

ROY BLOUNT JR: Hi, Jim. How you doing?

SAGAL: Next, it's the comedian who'll be performing at the Bergen Performing Arts in Englewood, N.J., on September 23. It's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Jim.

SAGAL: Finally, it's the author and humorist who'll be hosting the Moth Main Stage at The Players Club in New York City on October 13, and will be at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas, you know, just to look around on September 12. It's Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: Hello, Jim.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Jim, welcome to our show. You're going to start us off with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell, the man himself, on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

PASCARELLA: I've been ready since the beginning of time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: We will build a great wall...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Along the southern border. And Mexico will pay for the wall. They don't know it yet, but they're going to pay for it.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That was somebody saying something to Americans on Wednesday night that, somehow, he forgot to say to a Mexican on Wednesday afternoon.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who was it?

PASCARELLA: That would be the Donald.

SAGAL: The Donald, yes. Donald Trump, of course.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In the middle of the week, Donald Trump decided to suddenly flee to Mexico. And once he crossed the border, of course, Hillary Clinton immediately came out in favor of the wall.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Experts say that Trump made this trip to finally look presidential, and it worked. It was an impressive display of statesmanship. He stood there next to an elected world leader and did not scream or poop his pants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He didn't rant or insult anyone. He answered questions. And then, and only then, after it was done, was he allowed to eat the treat that had been balancing on his nose.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And then when he came back, he, like, doubled down on stupidity, once he got back, right?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: It was like it had been building up behind a wall, so to speak.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I think, you know, many of those medications come in time release form now. And I think...

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: ...If he would just get that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODETT: You know?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: What's funny is - so everybody is like, he's going down, it's going to go terribly. And in fact, it seemed to go well. But the controversy started after he left Mexico because during the press conference, he said that they had not discussed who would pay for the wall. And then after he left, President Pena Nieto of Mexico said, no, I told him there was no way that Mexico was going to pay for the wall.

BODETT: So what he said, about, you know, Mexico's going to pay for this wall, they just don't know it yet, was really accurate because he heard...

SAGAL: Yeah, we're not paying for your wall...

BODETT: Right. So he said, well, they obviously don't know it because he told me they're not paying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Laughter) Yeah. It's true.

POUNDSTONE: You know, why not leave the poor Mexicans alone? Why not just say another country entirely is going to pay for the wall?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, Iran's going to pay for our Mexican wall. They don't know it yet.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I can't wait till that meeting.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Jim, we have another quote for you. Here it is.

KURTIS: Stop looking at my crotch.

SAGAL: That was somebody in a text. We can surmise, he was not being sincere. Who can't seem to stop texting and tweeting at women who are not his wife?

PASCARELLA: That's the guy with the appropriate last name, Anthony Weiner.

SAGAL: That's the guy, Anthony Weiner.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: For the third time, former Congressman Anthony Weiner was caught sending pictures of his Twitter handle to...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Someone not his wife.

POUNDSTONE: You know, Jim may have a point. You know, imagine growing up with the name Anthony Weiner. You know, the second grade can be cruel.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: If you grew up with the name Anthony Weiner, maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe he just took such a rasher for years and years that he just developed inappropriate ways of getting attention.

SAGAL: You know, I'll say, it could've been worse. He could've been named Richard Weiner.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: Or if he had been a junior, of course, he would have been a little Dick Weiner.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: You know I didn't - I didn't read very far into that story because I was mostly afraid I was going to see him in his tighty whities again.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I hadn't quite got the images out of my head from the last time.

SAGAL: And yet, there you are...

BODETT: And it's not that I have a problem with the male body, being the occupant of one, but I just don't like them on other people.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Well, I got tragic news for you. They're all over.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Almost every guy you see.

SAGAL: One of the reasons...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Almost, almost.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here, Jim, is your last quote.

KURTIS: Well done. Super. Good boy.

SAGAL: Those are words that were used by researchers in a study that came out this week that determined, much to our surprise and maybe a little guilt, who can tell when we are lying?

PASCARELLA: Our dogs?

SAGAL: Yes, dogs.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Dogs know.

PASCARELLA: Uh-oh.

SAGAL: They are on to us. They know that we're actually leaving for the whole day and won't be right back.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this is - it's a fascinating story. This is how it worked, scientists - we'll demonstrate. Scientists trained 13 dogs to lie calmly in an MRI machine, which along with licking their own crotches, makes two things they can do and we can't.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then they scanned the dog's brains while people talked to them. First, they tried happy, enthusiastic praise.

KURTIS: Who's a good dog? You are. You are.

SAGAL: Right, right? Dogs like that. And then they delivered praise but in a neutral tone.

KURTIS: Who's a good dog? I couldn't possibly comment.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then they tried unpleasant words but delivered in a positive way.

KURTIS: Who's going to get taken to the vet and castrated? That's right, you are. You are.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And they tried all these things and they scanned the dog's brains. And they found out dogs can tell what we're saying. They understand the words, and if we seem to mean them. They know if we're being sincere. That's why when you praise your dog less than enthusiastically, they start thinking about seeing other owners.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: This is why I just write notes to my dog.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Because he can tell with tone of voice, but if I write a note - yeah, can't really tell.

BODETT: So when I say to our dog, you bark too much, he knows what I'm saying?

SAGAL: Well, he knows that you're...

BODETT: Because I just thought he was - so he's playing stupid?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. He's pretending not to understand and continuing to bark.

BLOUNT JR: So he can say, we did not discuss that, you know.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And I'm not sure - you know, I read that same thing, and I didn't interpret it the way you're interpreting it. I didn't interpret it that they know what we're saying.

SAGAL: Well, how did you interpret it?

POUNDSTONE: Well, I mean, it doesn't know, like, if you go over your taxes with him, he's not going to understand it.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Jesus, I don't understand it. Why would my dog understand it?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know you bring in a cat for your taxes.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill...

POUNDSTONE: You know what I owe the government?

SAGAL: What?

POUNDSTONE: (Imitating cat meowing).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jim do on our quiz?

KURTIS: They're sharp in San Diego. We're going to give it all to Jim.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

KURTIS: Here's the winner.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: All right, Jim.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing, Jim.

PASCARELLA: I enjoyed it so much. Thank you, guys.

BODETT: Thanks, Jim.

Copyright © 2016 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.