Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Joy in Wrigleyville, Junk Mail, Last Days

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. You're about to get arrested for Billicit (ph) activities.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center in Nashville, Tenn., Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. It is great to be back in Nashville. Now, you might ask why we came here now. Well, think about this year, with this insane election and all the bizarre events and the strange mistakes in the news every week. What is 2016 but the best country song ever?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: For example...

KURTIS: I got those readin' the news, thinkin' about Ted Cruz, worried for the Jews blues.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And who better to actually help us write that song than country music star Wynonna. Formerly with the Judds, currently fronting the band The Big Noise, she'll be joining us later. First, it's your turn to take the spotlight here in Nashville. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

DEBBIE MENDEZ: Hi. I'm Debbie Mendez from Foss, Okla.

SAGAL: Foss, Okla. Where's that?

MENDEZ: It's in western Oklahoma. But that's really just my mailing address. I live in the country.

SAGAL: The country.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you don't even like - you don't even live in Foss....

MENDEZ: I mean, really country.

SAGAL: Like Foss is like the big city you get to every now and then.

(LAUGHTER)

MENDEZ: (Laughter) Yes. Well, I really live in the country.

SAGAL: So describe where you live. What do you - what's out there?

MENDEZ: Well, cows.

(LAUGHTER)

MENDEZ: Horses, donkeys.

SAGAL: Well, that's good because I think that, you know, with depending on how the election goes you might be better off with a place defensible and a food supply.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So good for you. Debbie, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up it's a "Colbert Report" alum whose new blog is Quality Time With Pete And Deb. It is Peter Grosz.

PETER GROSZ: Hello.

MENDEZ: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a feature writer for the style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

(APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi.

MENDEZ: Hi.

SAGAL: And a comedian performing at the Denver Improv November 25 to the 27, it's Alonzo Bodden.

(APPLAUSE)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, Debbie.

MENDEZ: Hello.

SAGAL: Now, Debbie, your job, of course, is to start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course, explain or identify two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize. That is the voice of Carl Kasell answering the phone for you out there in Foss.

MENDEZ: OK.

SAGAL: Or Foss adjacent.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ready to play?

MENDEZ: OK.

SAGAL: All right, your first quote is from famed Chicago weatherman Tom Skilling.

KURTIS: Freeze warning in hell.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mr. Skilling was referring to the long awaited, very improbable win by whom on Wednesday?

MENDEZ: The Chicago Cubs.

SAGAL: The Chicago Cubs.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And if we were doing this show back home in Chicago, the rest of the show would be 47 minutes of screaming.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For 108 years, they have been the lovable losers of baseball. And now, as of Wednesday, the Chicago Cubs are just another baseball team.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What happens when you give up the one thing that made you unique and special?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Slept for 100 years, she was sleeping beauty. And then one stupid kiss and now she's awake lady.

BODDEN: It does change instantly, right? Because, as of right now, they're the favorites to win the World Series next year.

SAGAL: Yes, they are.

GROSZ: Also, they have the shortest World Series drought, now, of any team in baseball. It's like a day.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do you know, the last time Chicago Cubs won the World Series it was Wednesday?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But I do want to point out that Nate Silver's political data site, FiveThirtyEight, the day before the game, had the odds of the Cubs winning at 26 percent and Trump winning at 28 percent.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So I hope the Cubs enjoy their visit to the White House to be met by President Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Oh, God. I just forgot that if he wins he'll be doing that stuff.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I feel like Obama - Obama met the Warriors after they won.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: And he was, like, talking to them. And he was like, Curry, you need to pass the ball a little bit. And then like - he was like ripping on individual players. He was like, Draymond, keep those elbows in. Like, he knew stuff about every player...

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. He is a sports fan.

GROSZ: He's a sports fan. He should do that forever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He should have that role...

GROSZ: Like, whoever wins for the next, you know, as long as he's alive, they should be like, you get to meet the president, but it's Obama.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Debbie, your next quote is, in fact, a headline from The New York Times, not a description of something painful.

KURTIS: Emails tied to Weiner.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: That sounds like the most painful Halloween costume ever.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Whose emails turned up on the hard drive of disgraced Congressman Anthony Weiner, last week?

MENDEZ: (Laughter) Hillary Clinton.

SAGAL: Yes, Hillary Clinton.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Things were going so smoothly for her in the last weeks of the campaign. Hillary was ahead in the polls. She was trying on pantsuits covered with little presidential seals. She had it made.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And then, just at the end of last week, the FBI said, oh, we found hundreds of thousands of Hillary's emails on this laptop belonging to, of all people, Anthony Weiner. He, you remember, was married to Hillary's top aide, Huma Abedin. Can you believe how upset Hillary must be? The prize was within her grasp. And one more time, she was brought down by a wayward weiner.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: There are a lot of things you can hang on Hillary Clinton. But I don't see how she can be blamed for this when Huma has a husband who's cheating, no good, running around. Who would she want to talk to? Who would feel her pain? She had to reach out to Hillary.

SAGAL: I know. And it turns out...

BODDEN: You're only one who's been there.

SAGAL: Yeah, that's true.

GROSZ: Yeah, it's like, they're the members of, like, a very specific, two-person support group.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Yeah, exactly.

SAGAL: But let us take a moment just to express some sympathy for the FBI agents who are tasked with looking through Anthony Weiner's laptop.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They asked a lot of agents that were like, no, man. I'm too busy with my regular job cleaning up serial killer crime scenes.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah, you have to have like a hazmat suit for your eyes looking through that.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: All right, very good, Debbie. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: All right, stay on point, Donald, stay on point. No side tracks, Donald, nice and easy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was somebody giving advice to Donald Trump as he was making his closing argument in front of a crowd this week. Who was it?

MENDEZ: Himself?

SAGAL: Yes, the Donald himself...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPALUSE)

SAGAL: ...Reading his stage directions. So as we get toward Election Day, after this improbable election, some people have Donald Trump ahead. Everybody - everybody - is watching the polls all the time. They check FiveThirtyEight. They check all the sites. They check RealClearPolitics. Even Donald Trump is paying attention. And he doesn't look at a poll unless there's a naked woman dancing on it.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I was kind of hoping that that whole, like, internal monologue would, like, just turn into a song, like, a little moment alone. Like, (singing) keep it cool, Donald. Keep it cool Donald.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And like, the spotlight comes down on him. And there's just a guy playing piano. And he just, you know, sings some long soliloquy to (singing) don't say what's in your brain. But I must. No.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I mean, granted, Donald Trump finally found someone he will listen to, which is Donald Trump.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Also, there are five days - you know, people were saying like, oh, Trump is like the monster in a horror movie. And he comes back, you know, just when you think he's dead. I think, like, the election is the thing that is the horror movie. Like, you're kidding yourself if you think that over the next couple of days something crazy isn't going to come out and like - you know, like, Melania's going to come out and just be like, I am not an illegal alien. I am an alien alien.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: That is why I talk funny.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Debbie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: I guess The New York Times gets to Foss. She got them all right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done, Debbie. Thank you so much. Thanks for calling and playing with us, Debbie.

MENDEZ: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

MENDEZ: Buh-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF EUROPE SONG, "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN")

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