Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...Russian To Conclusions, Trumpet Solo, Enveloped in Scandal

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey there, Jonathan Safran Foer, everything is Billuminated (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Great show for you this week. Later on, we're going to be talking to Jordan Peele. He used to be half of the comedy duo Key and Peele. But now he's made a hit film called "Get Out." It's a movie that takes a topic of current events and makes it into a horror film, which is both really smart and increasingly redundant.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We want hear your fresh hot takes on the news, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

NICK ARGENTO: Hey, Peter. How you doing?

SAGAL: I'm doing fine. Who's this?

ARGENTO: Nick Argento from West Brookfield, Mass.

SAGAL: West Brookfield. West Brookfield. Now, I know Massachusetts well, but I'm not sure where that is.

ARGENTO: Say, between Amherst and Worcester.

SAGAL: Oh, between Amherst and Worcester. What do you do there?

ARGENTO: I own a plastic model company that, you know, produces plastic models for kids and adults.

SAGAL: Wait a minute, you mean, like, the plastic models you put together with glue?

ARGENTO: Exactly.

SAGAL: I loved those. What do you specialize in?

ARGENTO: Rockets, dinosaurs, skeletons.

SAGAL: Oh, man.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey, guys, forget about the show. I'm just going to talk to this guy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Nick. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's the host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS, the author of "Approval Junkie" and host of the new Audible original series "Authorized." It's Faith Salie.

(APPLAUSE)

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Nick.

SAGAL: Next, it's a feature writer for the style section of The Washington Post, it's Roxanne Roberts.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi, Nick.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS, that's Mo Rocca.

(APPLAUSE)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Nick.

SAGAL: So, Nick, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them you'll win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?

ARGENTO: I'm ready.

SAGAL: OK, Nick. First, we had, I am not a crook, and then we had, I did not have sexual relations with that woman. And now we have your first quote.

KURTIS: I did not have communications with the Russians.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So who apparently, oh, yes, did have communications with the Russians?

ARGENTO: Oh, gosh. There's so many, but...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Who hasn't?

SAGAL: It's true.

ARGENTO: I think this week, here, it's Jeff Sessions.

SAGAL: It was Jeff Sessions.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The former senator and, for the moment, attorney general denied...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...During his confirmation hearings that he had talked to any Russians. What's weird is that his statement, I did not have communications with the Russians, was an answer to the question, how are you today, Senator?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: It looks like everyone in this Cabinyet (ph) had relations with them...

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But according to The Washington Post, despite his denials under oath, he had two meetings during the campaign with the Russian ambassador. That's the same guy who had all those illicit phone conversations with the now former national security adviser Michael Flynn. So the first thing we know about what's going on is the Russian ambassador is a terrible flirt.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Roxanne, have you met him?

ROBERTS: I have. I have.

SAGAL: You know the Russian ambassador?

ROCCA: Ooh, tell us.

ROBERTS: I mean, to the degree that I've been to the embassy.

SALIE: Roxanne, did you have communications with him?

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: I had communications. I had vodka. I remember once having caviar. I will tell you - and this sounds dirty, but it isn't...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: ...They have a really nice ceiling.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know what's funny? I heard Steve Bannon say the same thing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Nick, here is your next quote. It's a very, very happy tweet from, of course, the president of the United States.

KURTIS: Thank you.

SAGAL: That was Mr. Trump expressing his sincere gratitude for all the praise he received for doing what on Tuesday night?

ARGENTO: Oh, his speech to the Congress?

SAGAL: Yes, he delivered a speech...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...For the first time to a joint session of Congress, and it was almost normal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: During the day on Tuesday, we got familiar Trump. He blamed a death of a Navy Seal on his generals instead of him. Instead of condemning racist attacks, he said it was just his enemies faking them. But there was none of that Trump on Tuesday night. It wasn't so much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was Mr. Hyde and Mr. Hyde but on a first date.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The pundits all ate it up. It's so presidential, what a pivot. But what did his supporters think of this new Trump? It had to be a bit of a letdown. For them it was like seeing their favorite band and they're just doing new material.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's - they're like, we want the classics. Where's build a wall or disabled reporter? Do that.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Give me some bad hombres.

SAGAL: Exactly. For an encore, he did come out, did a full set of deporting Mexicans, so...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: I want to say something really nice about the speech. He looked really good. It was - this was the best suit I've ever seen him wear.

SAGAL: That - a lot of people - because he's so - we're so used to seeing him wearing these baggy suits...

ROBERTS: With a tie that goes down to his knees...

SAGAL: ...With a tie that goes all the way down past his pupick (ph), as my grandmother used to say.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: So he looked gorgeous. And then I spent a lot...

SALIE: OK, gorgeous is going a little too far.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: OK, the suit, the suit was...

ROCCA: Yeah, it sounds like you're going to take him to the Russian embassy.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, the Democrats had their chance. And to send out for their response someone to sort of present their vibrant vision for the future, they sent out the 70-year-old retired governor of Kentucky. He delivered his address straight into the camera, being sincere and a little pained about all the problems we're going through. Basically, it was a Flomax ad.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Delivered from the set of "Hee-Haw."

SAGAL: Exactly.

SALIE: It looked like a wax museum. Nobody wanted to move.

SAGAL: Yeah, it was like it was a southern cafe, but - you know, for folksiness. But, like, nobody was eating or moving or talking, just staring at the camera. It was less "Fried Green Tomatoes" and more "Invasion Of The Body Snatchers."

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I know. I was waiting for the woman in the back right corner to say, I'll have what he's having.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Nick, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: 8:53:23 p.m., on stage, the best actress montage is playing.

SAGAL: That is the opening of an exhaustive investigation by Variety magazine into how what historic scandal came to be?

ARGENTO: Oh, how they mixed up the best movie of the year at the Academy Awards.

SAGAL: You're exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Academy Awards.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Decades from now, people will be telling their kids where they were when the wrong best picture was announced in 2017. Mainly, they were asleep because who the hell stays up to the end of the Oscars?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But in the weeks since the shot heard around the pool at the Beverly Hilton, forensic specialists have been hard at work piecing together exactly how it happened. We now know more about how "La La Land" was mistakenly named best picture than we do about what Russia did to interfere in the election.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The accountant whose job it was to hand the right envelope to presenter Warren Beatty...

ROCCA: Oh, right, chubby Matt Damon.

SAGAL: Right.

ROCCA: Right, the guy looks like - yeah...

SAGAL: Was distracted because he was tweeting out pictures of Emma Stone backstage. So he picked the wrong envelope. His subsequent tweets were, oops, and then, anybody need an accountant?

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Can I just say, I had the privilege of interviewing Warren Beatty a few months ago.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: He's a lovely man. But he will be the first to admit that he has trouble forming - what do you call them? - sentences.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Like, he really has trouble speaking. So if Faye Dunaway had not been standing there...

SAGAL: We'd still...

ROCCA: ...We would still be waiting for him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He did. It's true. Warren Beatty looked so old and confused at that moment the Democrats asked him to do the response at next year's State of the Union.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Nick do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Hope he had fun because he did perfect.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Nick.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you so much for playing.

ARGENTO: Yeah, you bet.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT")

KING HARVEST: (Singing) Dancing in the moonlight. Everybody's feeling warm and right. It's such a fine and natural sight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight.

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