Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news...General Chaos, Trump Calling, City of Athletes
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Guy Raz, watch how I bill this. I'm Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We do have a great show for you today. I'm not going to dissuade you from being excited. Later on, the fabulous actor Jeffrey Tambor is going to be joining us. He's the dad in "Arrested Development" and the dad who becomes a mom in "Transparent." But first, this week, NPR's own David Folkenflik broke a big story about President Trump conspiring with Fox News to spread a conspiracy theory, which means that Trump has just now found out that NPR exists...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And may be listening to us for the first time. So welcome, Mr. President. On our show, which you've never heard, we just ask questions like, is the president making America great again? And the answer is always, big time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And that's our show for this week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This is NPR. OK, I think he's gone. All right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Safe to call in and play our games.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. THAT'S 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ALLISON STRANTZ: Hi, this is Allison, from Melbourne, Fla.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Melbourne?

STRANTZ: Hot.

SAGAL: Yeah, I guess it is that.

STRANTZ: Hot.

SAGAL: It's like that in Florida. You knew that when you moved there, though, right?

STRANTZ: I was born here.

SAGAL: You were born here?

STRANTZ: Yes.

SAGAL: Well, you knew that when you failed to leave.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Allison. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian performing September 2 and 3 at the Kansas City Irish Festival in Kansas City, Mo. It's Adam Burke.

ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi. How are you?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Hi. Next, a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning whose podcast about love and sex in literature is called Authorized: Love and Romance. It's now available on iTunes. It's Faith Salie.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And finally, making his debut on our panel, it's a comedian whose new Netflix special comes out October 17. It is Patton Oswalt.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, Allison, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

STRANTZ: I am so ready.

SAGAL: Now, your first quote is a bit of advice for the new White House chief of staff from the old White House chief of staff...

KURTIS: Don't take the job.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who ignored that advice and became the next future ex-chief of staff for President Trump?

STRANTZ: That'll be General Kelly.

SAGAL: General John Kelly, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Salute the man.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Very good. so Last week, we were talking about Trump Unleashed. But that did not last long. Trump Unleashed dug up the lawn, peed in the Lincoln Bedroom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And a basset hound next door just had puppies with really weird hair.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So enter General John Kelly, who will be restoring order to the West Wing and installing one of those invisible fences. As a former enlisted Marine who rose up through the ranks, he has the perfect blend of experience managing large organizations under stress and cleaning out latrines.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: I feel like with your doggy metaphor, that really makes John Kelly the pooper-scooper.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is true. Apparently, he is watching everything the president is doing. Nobody is having a meeting with the president this last week without Kelly being there. It's like he has a new puppy. But it's like the kind - this unique kind of puppy that makes no one happy.

BURKE: I don't know if that's...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Aw.

BURKE: I don't know if that's true. You can fix a puppy.

(LAUGHTER)

PATTON OSWALT: This sounds like what they do with Ozzy Osborne when he's on tour.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: They get a spotter for him to make sure he doesn't go wandering off in the Denny's parking lot and get hit by a bus.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, this is perhaps the best story out of Kelly's first week. This was in Axios, which is sort of a tip sheet for the White House. It said that Trump was trying to impress Kelly - and I'm not kidding - by, quote, "acting sharper in meetings and even rattling off stats."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Stats from...

SALIE: Like what?

SAGAL: From - well, from this president...

OSWALT: Yeah, what's that all about?

SAGAL: I mean like, you know, hey, a 34-DD and...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A total 10.

BURKE: I can't believe - I'm sorry. Every now and then, I have to pause. We're talking about our president.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: We're talking about him like an uncle that we all know does meth.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: But we just have to get him through our daughter's christening...

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: So we just assign different people to him over the course of the weekend.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

OSWALT: But it's the president.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: I just want to reiterate that.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: He has an army.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: And this is how we're talking about him. Sorry, go ahead.

SAGAL: It's all right, Patton.

OSWALT: This is how the family in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" treated Leatherface.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: They literally had to, like, move him around. Like, don't let them cut the door open if he gets angry. Make sure you open the door. He'll cut it with his chainsaw. It's your fault.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: If he cuts the door, it's your fault for not opening it. Our president is Leatherface.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Allison.

STRANTZ: Yes?

SAGAL: Allison...

OSWALT: Oh, Allison. How are you doing?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your next quotes are just a few excerpts from phone transcripts leaked this week. And to be clear, these come from the same person.

KURTIS: I am the world's greatest person.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I look like a dope.

SAGAL: Those were just some of the international diplomatic stylings of whom?

STRANTZ: The president?

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: I'm sorry. She sounds so terrified when she said that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes, the transcripts of President Trump's calls to leaders of Mexico and Australia have now leaked. And not only did he really yell - Putin was a pleasant call, this is ridiculous - at the Australian prime minister. He also asked the Mexican president to sort of ixnay on the not-paying-for-the-wall-ay thing.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I do like - in the transcript, there's two things.

First of all, he goes, ah, we'll figure it out. It'll all come out in the wash, like a roommate who's clearly not going to make rent that month.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah

BURKE: I'll get to it later.

SALIE: When Trump is having these kind of conversations...

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: Is someone in the room transcribing?

SAGAL: Yeah, he had - they had aides - foreign service aides - transcribing or taking notes of the conversations, which created the transcripts.

OSWALT: But are they on the line doing it, or someone sitting in the room listening?

SALIE: Sitting in the room?

SAGAL: I believe that people are sitting in the room.

OSWALT: That means they're hearing half of this conversation...

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: ...Which is even more terrifying. I mean...

SAGAL: Yeah.

OSWALT: Think of what is going to come out. I mean, you're sitting, talking to the president. And you're listening to him go, well, we can't. Just tell people that you're - I mean, they'll all die. Everyone'll die.

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: I can't - I mean, how terrifying would it be to listen to half of one of Trump's conversations?

BURKE: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: And then you realize the phone hasn't been plugged in.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Allison, for your last quote, change of topic - here's a list of suggested new Olympic events.

KURTIS: Longest juice cleanse.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Most rides on It's A Small World without a nervous breakdown.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Least original movie idea.

SAGAL: That was The New York Times, who were suggesting those events for the 2028 Olympics, which we found out this week are going to be held where?

STRANTZ: In Los Angeles.

SAGAL: In Los Angeles, yes. Los Angeles won.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: No, this is great. Los Angeles won a tough bidding war to get the Olympics, defeating absolutely no other cities because nobody wants to hold the Olympics anymore.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is true. After the last few Olympics, which led to massive cost overruns, terrible traffic, and infestations of wild dogs, only Paris and LA even asked if they could hold them. Paris got 2024. Los Angeles got 2028. And in 2032, the Olympics will, you know, move back in with its parents if nothing else works out.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You live in LA. Is this going to bother you, Patton?

OSWALT: Yeah, no, I'm glad that we got the Olympics in 2028. By the way, if anyone who wants to sublet my place in 2028...

(LAUGHTER)

OSWALT: ...Please contact me. I hate jocks. So one of my, you know...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You know, I'm...

OSWALT: I'll - by the way, I'll go to Comic-Con every year and bump into sweaty nerds. But, oh, my God, some perfectly sculpted athlete - how dare they put five minutes on my commute to Starbucks.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: So if they had it in Paris, would you hate Jacques?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Sorry.

OSWALT: And they just switched over to cartot (ph).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Allison do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Allison did great - 3-0 - good going.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Allison.

(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN WILLIAMS'S "BUGLER'S DREAM AND OLYMPIC FANFARE MEDLEY")

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