Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Dr. Wonka, Presidential grooming and royal delivery.
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm 99.9 percent effective. I'm the birth control Bill...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. We've got a great show for you today. Later one, we're going to be talking to H. Jon Benjamin. He's best known as the voice of cartoon super spy Archer and Bob from "Bob's Burgers." In real life, he is middle aged, short, bald and Jewish, so we will talk about what a crime it is that you don't get to see him.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Even though we won't know how great looking you are, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MICHELLE COSS: Hi, this is Michelle Coss. I'm calling from Incline Village, Nev.

SAGAL: Incline Village, Nev. - I have been there. It's on the shores of Lake Tahoe.

COSS: Oh, it's beautiful. You should come back and visit.

SAGAL: All right. I'll be right there. Can you hold?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, it's - what do you do there?

COSS: I'm a first-grade teacher.

SAGAL: Oh, that is a wonderful thing.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And do you get to do all the exciting things that one does there on Lake Tahoe?

COSS: Oh, yes, snowboarding, paddleboarding, all sorts of things, just sitting on the beach - awesome.

SAGAL: Oh, it's the best. Well, welcome to the show, Michelle. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian and host of the Fake The Nation podcast, which you can see live at Caveat in New York City with John Hodgman and John Fugelsang on May 8, it's Negin Farsad.

(CHEERING)

COSS: Hello, Negin.

SAGAL: Next, we welcome back a comedian who will be at The Setup in San Francisco on May 12. It's Brian Babylon.

(CHEERING)

COSS: Hello, Brian.

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian who will be at the Hult Center for the Performing Arts in Eugene, Ore., on May 12, it's Paula Poundstone.

(CHEERING)

COSS: Oh, hello, Paula. I love you.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hello, Michelle.

SAGAL: So, Michelle, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - the voice of anyone on our show that you like for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

COSS: My friend KerryAnne (ph) did my hair and makeup, so I am ready to play.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. I'm glad you got dolled up.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Candy man is not a nickname you want in a doctor.

SAGAL: That was Montana Senator Jon Tester talking about a certain man allegedly known 'round the White House as candy man who this week withdrew his nomination to head up the VA. Who is it?

COSS: Dr. Ronny Jackson.

SAGAL: Dr. Ronny Jackson, yes.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: So after President Trump fired the last Veterans secretary, he needed to find somebody who had vast experience running a massive government agency. So of course he just appointed his own doctor because the doctor had said nice things about the president. That's it. That was his entire qualification. It is amazing the FDA is not run by a waiter who took Trump's order and said excellent choice, sir.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, he's the one who said that - what? How much did he say he weighed?

SAGAL: Well, this is the guy who we all found out about, even though he'd been working in the White House as a physician for multiple administrations, when he did that amazing press conference about the president's health in which he said the president was, to quote him, "incredibly healthy." He'd live to be 200 if he ate better.

BRIAN BABYLON: Well, you know what that was? He was using his own product.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You think?

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: He popped something, start feeling great.

SAGAL: Well, it explains a lot, I mean, because as Brian - as Brian implies, what found out about him as people came forward to speak to the Senate was that apparently he used to provide people around the White House and anybody who asked with lots of pills. He was known as, quote, "the candy man," which is...

BABYLON: Oh, you mean candy man candy man Ronny Jackson.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

BABYLON: Oh, you meant candy man candy man Ronny Jackson.

SAGAL: Yeah, you remember him from the back room at CBGB's, you remember him.

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: No, candy man in general is a bad nickname for anyone unless your name is either Willy Wonka or Jerry Candyman.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: So when Trump was giving, like, a speech about the opioid crisis in America, he was really just talking about the crisis in the White House...

SAGAL: It's possible.

FARSAD: ...Because everyone was drugged up.

POUNDSTONE: So when they said that he was - what'd he say originally? They were going to put, like, $350,000 into it or something, like some ridiculously low-ball number that they were going to use to fight the opioid crisis. What he meant was he was just writing Ronny out a check.

SAGAL: Possible.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: So is it - do you, like - you don't do, like, dime bags. Do you like, oh, man, I need some drugs? Like, how do you - how do you ask?

SAGAL: Are you asking me how do you acquire illicit prescription drugs from the White House doctor? That is your question.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: OK. The only way I know how...

POUNDSTONE: First, you got to get over the fence.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: That's the first thing.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: For - in my community, all you do is say candy man's name three times in the mirror.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: And that's how I thought candy man came.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BABYLON: But apparently he just gives you some extra pills or are you like, oh, man, I need a backiotomy (ph) and then he just gives it to you for no reason?

SAGAL: Well, what they said, Brian, is that he was famous for just giving anybody whatever they wanted. In fact, he would walk down the aisle of the plane in which the president's entourage was traveling and just hand out Ambien. Who wants to go to sleep? Here's some Ambien. Here's some Ambien. Who wants to wake up? Hand out some other prescription drugs, whatever people needed.

FARSAD: But he was also a drug...

POUNDSTONE: Wow, I would get nuts.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm sorry, Paula, you would get nuts?

POUNDSTONE: On an airplane. They give me nuts and a cocktail napkin.

SAGAL: That's all they give you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Michelle, your next quote is the president himself. In this case, he's talking to a very good friend.

KURTIS: We do have a very special relationship. In fact, I'll get a little dandruff off your shoulder because we want you to be perfect.

(LAUGHTER)

COSS: Oh, dear.

SAGAL: That was President Trump grooming whom?

COSS: The French president, Macron.

SAGAL: Yes, Emmanuel Macron, the president of France - very good.

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Is that dandruff part true?

SAGAL: That was...

KURTIS: Yeah.

SAGAL: We do not make this stuff up. We don't have to anymore.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: But the fun thing about that dandruff moment is that, like, it's so - there's nothing that says, like, I fight for coal miners - there's nothing that says that like gingerly dusting dandruff off of a Frenchman's suit. You know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: That's what real America wants.

FARSAD: (Laughter).

SAGAL: So I should explain. This week, President Trump embraced French President Macron, and I mean that literally. It was sort of a whirlwind May-December bromance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Macron was Trump's guest for the first official state dinner of the Trump presidency. First, though, was the world's strangest joint press conference, Trump and Macron, and Trump could simply not keep his hands off Macron - the incredibly elaborate handshakes, the literal picking of nits. The only primate-like behavior Trump did not engage in was eating what he picked off Macron's fur.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: The whole thing was so awkward. Like, it was - the entire three days was, like, Macron was, like, this tidy, little baguette, and Trump was just, like, slathering him with lard, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, somebody told me that this thing, this grooming thing that he did...

SAGAL: Yes.

POUNDSTONE: ...It's like a gorilla behavior.

SAGAL: It is.

POUNDSTONE: That it's a way of dominating.

SAGAL: It's the dominating behavior among primates, yes.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, yeah. So do you think Macron knew that?

SAGAL: Did he know that he was playing the submissive ape at that moment?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: He's like, I am no chimpanzee dinner.

SAGAL: Yeah, it's possible.

FARSAD: Also by the end of the visit, Macron's wife got a check for $130,000 from Michael Cohen because now he's just handing them out to, like, any woman that's around Trump ever.

SAGAL: It's a nice gift bag when you think about it.

FARSAD: Yeah (laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Michelle, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: I couldn't care any more about someone getting up the duff than I do about a royal popping, a sprog oot.

(LAUGHTER)

COSS: What (laughter)?

SAGAL: That was someone on Twitter using what we think is incomprehensible British to talk about what big event in the U.K. this week?

COSS: Oh, the baby being born.

SAGAL: The royal baby, yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The royal baby. The duke and duchess of Cambridge, also known as the bald one and the one that's not Meghan Markle, welcomed their third child, a boy, on Monday to the excitement of millions and the boredom of millions more. People across England wagered bets on the name, and they lined up outside the hospital to see the baby, which - and please turn off your radio if you don't want any spoilers - looks like a baby.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Did they name it?

SAGAL: I don't know. There were reserving it. There is a rumor that the baby will be named Arthur.

FARSAD: Oh, I heard they were going to call it Brexit.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's a cute name.

FARSAD: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Arthur.

SAGAL: Why? Because they thought it'd be a good idea and now it's going to ruin their lives. Is that why?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Michelle do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She understood questions that even we didn't understand.

SAGAL: That's true.

KURTIS: Three and oh - perfect score.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Michelle.

(CHEERING)

COSS: Thanks so much.

SAGAL: Thank you, Michelle, bye-bye.

COSS: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SPIN DOCTORS SONG, "TWO PRINCES")

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