Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: Sleep Tight, G7; Brenough Already; Crabby Ending.
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Who's Bill This Time?

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Who's Bill This Time?

Who's Bill This Time?

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, senators. Come sit on Capitol Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Wolf Trap National Park for the Performing Arts in Vienna, Va., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you everybody. Yes.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: We have got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to the great Washington, D.C.-based chef, Jose Andres, known for going recently to Puerto Rico and giving out thousands of meals to hurricane survivors for free, prompting everybody here back home in D.C. to say, hey, the Metro flooded that one time. Where's our food?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But first, before that meal, you can be the appetizer. Give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JEFF JOHNSON: Hi. This is Jeff Johnson. I'm in Baton Rouge, La.

SAGAL: How are things in Baton Rouge, Jeff?

JOHNSON: They are just swell, Peter. They're extraordinarily hot, but we're good.

SAGAL: That's great because you guys are used to that.

JOHNSON: You know, it's kind of a negative thing. It should go without saying that in Southeast Louisiana, when you complain about the heat, you're just being a jerk. But it's really hot. But no, we're good.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Jeff. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, comedian and host of the podcast "Fake The Nation" and author of the book "How To Make White People Laugh," it's Negin Farsad.

(CHEERING)

NEGIN FARSAD: Hi there.

SAGAL: Next, an actor and writer currently appearing on this episode of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's Peter Grosz.

PETER GROSZ: Hello.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: And finally, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" - it's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hello, Jeff.

(CHEERING)

JOHNSON: Hello.

SAGAL: So, Jeff, we're going to start our show by playing Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you may choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?

JOHNSON: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote. It is the president boasting about one of his resorts.

KURTIS: No bedbugs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, according to the president, nobody will have to worry about bedbugs when they stay at his resort next year where he wants to host what?

JOHNSON: The G-7.

SAGAL: Yes, the G-7.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Now, as per usual, President Trump got a lot of criticism for his behavior at this year's G-7, which took place, as I said, last weekend. But let's give credit where credit is due - at least Trump did not once pronounce G-7 as gu-seven (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But what the president got really excited about was next year's meeting, which the U.S. is hosting. And it turns out, after a nationwide search of possible venues, amazingly, the best possible choice is a Trump hotel - specifically the Miami Trump Doral golf resort. And among its many advantages, said the president - in addition to having no bedbugs, it has, quote, "lots of parking," unquote.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No. Do not laugh. This is very important to international summitry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: For example, Hungary got screwed at Yalta because while the great powers were busy dividing up Europe, Hungary was still circling the block.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Didn't he also say it's close to the Miami airport?

SAGAL: He did say that.

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's airport close.

GROSZ: He's so used to pitching things to, like, a specific audience that he can't pivot to international leaders.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: You know, it's, like, he's used to being, like, come join my club. It's close to the airport. We've got good parking...

SAGAL: Yeah.

GROSZ: ...That he just makes the same exact pitch. Sitting next to Angela Merkel, he's, like, good parking, plus the airport.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, there's a...

GROSZ: There's a shuttle that can pick you up from the airport.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: It's like - because it was, like, literally in the middle of a bilateral meeting with Angela Merkel, and as if he was, like, on the "Property Brothers" or something.

GROSZ: Yeah.

FARSAD: ...Being, like, let's really flip this G-7.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: We can really do something like this.

SAGAL: It's like all the other leaders went there to work out important issues of international significance, and he was there to basically make a timeshare presentation.

GROSZ: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: You know...

GROSZ: Has this ever happened to you? You're in America for a summit, and you have nowhere to stay?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And then, like, Don Jr. stands up, and he's, like, hey, that's never happened to me. I'm a stranger.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you might be wondering why the president was kind of declaring that there were no bedbugs at the Miami Doral. And the reason is because when he announced that as his preferred site, journalists look into it, and they found out that there was a lawsuit - this is true - in which a man stayed at the Doral's most luxurious suite and came away covered in bedbug bites. And he sued the hotel. And the hotel defended itself by saying - and this is true - that the man was, quote, "careless and negligent in allowing himself to be bitten by them."

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Victim blaming.

SAGAL: They settled the lawsuit, and the lawsuit requires the man not to say anything - a nondisclosure. But that nondisclosure agreement does not apply to the bedbugs. They say the Doral is their favorite resort in Florida.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's got great egg-laying opportunities, and food is delivered to their room every night at bedtime.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And, say the bedbugs, lots of parking.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Jeff, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: F off, you overpromoted rubber bath toy.

SALIE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: That was none other than Hugh Grant, the movie star, insulting someone on Twitter for continuing to bungle Brexit this week. Who is it?

JOHNSON: Oh, the new prime minister.

SAGAL: And his name is - it's a...

JOHNSON: Brian.

SAGAL: No, it's not Brian. It's a strangely Russian name for a Britisher.

(LAUGHTER)

JOHNSON: You're killing me, Peter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's not married to...

JOHNSON: Boris.

SAGAL: Boris, yes - Boris Johnson.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So this is what happened. British Prime minister Boris Johnson had a problem, which is that Brexit is coming at the end of October, and he knows that Parliament does not want him to go through with it on his terms. What to do? Well, why not suspend Parliament - or, as it's called, prorogue it - which sounds like a British euphemism for something naughty.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You want to skip around to my flat and prorogue my parliament?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But what's crazy about it is, like, in response to not being able to deal with Parliament, he's just closing it down entirely to avoid having to deal with it. This is like getting a text from your girlfriend saying, we need to talk, and instead of calling her back, you shut down AT&T.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: Can I also just say about Brexit - is that the whole thing is so boring. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God.

SAGAL: But, Negin...

FARSAD: Three years of Brexit, and we are still - they haven't just left. Just leave. What are we talking about?

GROSZ: You know what's going to be good is when they do leave, and they come back, then they will have Brentrance (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: No one is talking about Brentrance.

SALIE: Brentrance (laughter).

SAGAL: Breunion (ph).

GROSZ: Yeah, the Breunion - it's going to be, like, (imitating British accent) we have to discuss the terms of Brentrance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Actually...

GROSZ: How will we - how will they Brenter (ph)?

FARSAD: (Imitating British accent) Breconciliation (ph).

SALIE: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Now I really want them to leave.

SAGAL: All right, Jeff. Your last quote is based on an intriguing new solution to an old mystery from famed explorer Robert Ballard.

KURTIS: Munch, munch, munch.

SAGAL: According to Robert Ballard, that was the sound of giant crabs eating up what famous woman who disappeared decades ago?

JOHNSON: Amelia Earhart.

SAGAL: You're right.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Oh, my.

SAGAL: Of course, Amelia Earhart was an aviation pioneer who disappeared during her attempt to be the first woman to fly around the world. The only clue to what happened to her was Earhart's last radio message where she said, quote, "I knew I shouldn't have flown a Boeing."

(GROANING)

FARSAD: Too soon.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And then...

SAGAL: Now...

GROSZ: ...She said, oh, I shouldn't have brought this drawn butter here in the cockpit with me.

SAGAL: Exactly. So what happened....

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was her second mistake.

GROSZ: Not that crabs eat drawn butter.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. But they're drawn to it. They're drawn to the drawn butter.

GROSZ: But you dip them in it enough, they start to lick it, and they go, this is pretty good.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: I could put a person in this stuff.

SAGAL: So yeah, that's what happened. The idea is, like, no one's ever been able to find her remains. They've checked all these islands, and, like, she's gone. They've never found any wreckage. So he has this theory that there's this one island where they think she landed and that these giant crabs would have eaten her remains. And then the crabs would have buried her bones because that's what they do.

SALIE: I learned way too much about crabs when I read this story. These things are three - they're dogs. They're three feet long.

SAGAL: They're big. And you realize - you're thinking about them on this island, and here comes Earhart's plane for an emergency landing. And the crabs are, like, who ordered delivery?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Jeff do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Jeff did great - got them in there. Thanks, Jeff.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Jeff. You did well - three for three.

(APPLAUSE)

JOHNSON: Thank you, Peter.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE BUDOS BAND'S "ADENIJI")

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