Through Grief and Growing Pains, Kemba Creates 'Gilda' New York rapper Kemba speaks with NPR's Audie Cornish about the themes of his debut album, Gilda, and the emotional labor that went into making it.

Through Grief and Growing Pains, Kemba Creates 'Gilda'

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For the rapper Kemba, December 16, 2017 was one of the best and worst nights of his life. Here's the scene. Earlier in the night, rap superstar Kendrick Lamar pulls Kemba up on stage during a concert.


KENDRICK LAMAR: Come up here.

KEMBA: All right. (Rapping) Lived through a culture shock, but died in a genocide. My city is gentrified...

CORNISH: He starts rapping, and he just wows the crowd.


LAMAR: Kemba. Remember than name, Kemba.

CORNISH: But later that night, Kemba got a text on his phone.

KEMBA: On the train, I found out that my mom passed. It was just, like, a emotional roller coaster, you know, having that kind of loss at the same time. You can't really fully be happy. You can't really fully be sad.


KEMBA: (Rapping) Who's that peeping through my psyche? Who is that telling me I can't do it?

CORNISH: Kemba's victories have often been bittersweet. After the success of his 2016 self-released album, his next one seemed poised to hit big. But as he started thinking about how he wanted that album to sound, his mother died. And so he switched gears.

KEMBA: This album was hugely inspired by the time of her passing. Like, everything is through the lens of that.


KEMBA: (Singing) Yeah, yeah. I guess I just dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah...

CORNISH: Kemba's new album is called "Gilda." That was his mother's name. She was a single mom of three boys, and she kept them in line.

KEMBA: My mother was a secretary at the school that I went to. From, like, prekindergarten to eighth grade, I saw every single day (laughter).

CORNISH: As a mom, I'm totally into that (laughter).

KEMBA: It was a nightmare. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything wrong.


KEMBA: (Singing) You going to need to grow up fast. Let my moms tell it. If you can't do it, no one can. Let the wrongs tell it.

My mom was my main influence. You know, she was everything. She was our protector and our provider. I really learned from watching her. Like, in my older years she went to and finished college and got her master's because she never could because she had kids.


KEMBA: (Rapping) I feel more pressure for my moms than from the blogs, yeah. I feel...

She was just incredible. She used to create her own, like, award ceremony events for amazing women that she knew in her life.

CORNISH: Like, she would give them awards?

KEMBA: Yeah. Like, she organized whole events. Like, it was well attended (laughter). It was, like, legit award ceremonies. You know, at 17, I'm just like why do I got to go out (laughter)? Why do I got to go out the house on a weekend? I just want to play video games. But looking back on it, this is, like, incredible stuff, you know?


KEMBA: (Singing) I just exhale it.

So I kind of learned from watching her, just, like, this incredible work ethic.

CORNISH: I was reading that as you started to make your own music and experiment with your sound, doctors found a tumor on your jaw.

KEMBA: Yeah.

CORNISH: And you actually missed your high school graduation because you were in surgery.

KEMBA: Yeah.

CORNISH: Where was she in that process? Like, how did you process that moment?

KEMBA: She was right by my side. You know, she was my rock in that moment.

CORNISH: Did you worry that your rap career was over, kind of before it started?

KEMBA: Yeah. They told me that I shouldn't rap. Like, they told me that my jaw was so weak that just the movement could literally rip apart the work that they did. It was rough. And that was, like, the first times that my mom kind of saw me in, like, a vulnerable way because I was always the strong one of the family. It was, like, a real vulnerable moment for both of us.


KEMBA: (Rapping) I feel like my family tried to be family. Offered a shoulder. Then once it was over, it's like they don't know me. That could lead to pure insanity, hate for humanity. I could have called them, but s***. My momma died. I'm traumatized. I'm not all right...

CORNISH: Why was it important for you to be vulnerable in your music and to let all of that show?

KEMBA: I think I didn't really have a choice. That was the only thing that I could write about. Like, no matter what happened, no matter what production I was sent, no matter what the sound was, the thing that always came out was something about my family. And so I couldn't fight it. I had to kind of lean into it.


KEMBA: (Rapping) I found myself recently dreaming about being a kid again. Broken and beaten, cut open. I'm peeling my skin again. Devil been creeping increasingly thinking about ending it. All my immediate family really attempted it. I had to there. You need me. No people, no witnesses. Maybe...

CORNISH: You know, this is an interesting moment in hip hop, I think, because you can be, like, Jay-Z or Drake - right? - or Kendrick Lamar, literally winning, like, the Pulitzer Prize. Or you can be doing "Old Town Road" - right? - for TikTok. And what is it like for you as somebody who is basically trying to get into this business, doing it, in a way, the old-fashioned way - putting out an album, that album being focused on music, being conceptual, being lyrical?

KEMBA: I think - it feels good. I feel like this is a good time. I feel like I'm able to do exactly what I want. And I feel like there are people that will receive it. So I feel comforted that now is a time where I can be vulnerable - because that wasn't always super accepted - and that I can do exactly what I want, you know?


KEMBA: (Singing) I am not a finished product. Only judge me when I'm done. Young and black and from the projects. Got a lot to overcome.

CORNISH: It feels weird to do this, but I'm going to back to the start, which is the song "Work In Progress."


KEMBA: (Singing) I got my head in clouds. I got my feet on land. My homies fell too deep. This is the quickest sand. I know that I am not a finished product. Got a lot to overcome.

CORNISH: Is that where you are now?

KEMBA: I think "Work In Progress" is more so a song that I made because I knew this was going to be the introduction to me for a lot of people. And I wanted to really start it off by saying look, man, I know, like, our nature is to hear artists and be inspired and take their words as, like, fact. But I'm just trying to figure this thing out.


KEMBA: (Singing) I am not a finished product. Only judge me when I'm done.

Look; don't judge me (laughter). Like, I'm just trying to improve along the way.

CORNISH: Well, let me say to you, look, man, you're doing pretty good.

KEMBA: (Laughter).

CORNISH: Yeah, you got a lot going on, and you're surviving.

KEMBA: Thank you.

CORNISH: Do you think your mom would be proud?

KEMBA: I do. I do.

CORNISH: Kemba - his album is called "Gilda."

Thank you so much for speaking with us.

KEMBA: Of course. Thank you.


KEMBA: (Rapping) Are we still the same? Young and ducking protocol. Homies made me know the law. Momma made me know it all. Taught me I should hold the door. Rumors put me overboard. Tumor took my lower jaw. Only made me want it more. It's a miracle I'm...

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