Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Whistleblow While You Work," "Canadian Red Face" and "The Golden Throne."
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Who's Bill This Time

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Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Pack your bag. You're going on a Billie Holiday.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We have a great show for you today as per usual. Later on, we're going to be talking to the comedian Zach Galifianakis about his new movie, "Between Two Ferns: The Movie."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This is a movie based on his hit Internet talk show in which he invites on celebrities and takes great care to make his interviews hilariously awkward and uncomfortable. The joke is on him because we do it without even trying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But we'll be nice to you. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

REBECCA LAPINSKI: Hi this is Rebecca Lapinski. I'm calling from Woodland Park, N.J.

SAGAL: Woodland Park, N.J.

LAPINSKI: Yeah.

SAGAL: I'm from Jersey. What do you do there?

LAPINSKI: I own Noteworthy Academy of Music with my husband.

SAGAL: Oh, how wonderful. So you're teaching music to kids.

LAPINSKI: Yup.

SAGAL: Yes. I have a rule. I never make fun of people who do that because I believe that you are giving them magical powers.

LAPINSKI: Oh, so many magical powers.

SAGAL: So many magical powers - convince them of that, and then maybe they'll practice.

(LAUGHTER)

LAPINSKI: That's great.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Rebecca. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian and director whose series "Misfits And Monsters" is available on Amazon. It's great to have him back. Bobcat Goldthwait is here.

(CHEERING)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Well, thank you.

SAGAL: Next, the feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post - it's Ms. Roxanne Roberts.

(CHEERING)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Rebecca.

SAGAL: And finally, it's a comedian you can see at the Denver Improv October 11 through the 13, and he's the host of the new podcast "FEAR NOT." It's Alonzo Bodden.

(CHEERING)

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello.

SAGAL: So, Rebecca, welcome to the show. We're glad to have you. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to go?

LAPINSKI: Let's do it.

SAGAL: Let's. Your first quote is a rhetorical question.

KURTIS: Is anybody dumb enough to believe that I would say something inappropriate with a foreign leader?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who - so who doesn't believe that people are dumb enough to believe something that happens all the time?

LAPINSKI: Hm...

(LAUGHTER)

LAPINSKI: Could it be President Trump?

SAGAL: It could be President Trump. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So sometime this last summer, the president made a, quote, "promise" to a foreign leader, and somebody in the intelligence community was so upset they filed a whistleblower report. By law, that report is supposed to be handed to Congress, but the White House said, nuh-uh (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So we don't know yet what the president actually said or to whom he said it. But whatever it is, it must be worse than the stuff we already know about.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And that can only mean he has sold the Earth to the aliens.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Imitating Donald Trump) You know, just leave me a golf course and some models. You can eat everybody else.

GOLDTHEWAIT: Yeah, I think - you know, what in his mind is a foreign leader - he truly may have been on the phone with Mayor McCheese...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHEWAIT: ...Trying to get a golf course opened up in a McDonald's. It's exhausting.

SAGAL: It really is. You know what else is exhausting? And our hearts go out to this person, whoever it is - the intelligence agents whose job it is is to listen to all of Donald Trump's phone calls. It's like he's...

BODDEN: That's always the person I feel sorry for. On any topic, there are experts and intelligent people around that have to listen to him. You know, like with the hurricane, there are meteorologists that are trained.

SAGAL: Right.

BODDEN: And they see him with a crayon...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: And you know all that's going on is their head - like, I need this job. My kids are in school.

SAGAL: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHEWAIT: All the people around him - it's a little bit like Frank Sinatra had valet named Gilly (ph) - Jilly (ph). And once during Thanksgiving dinner - Don Rickles told me this story - Jillian (ph) - Jilly, they had it at his house. And Frank got in his car and hit the wrong pedal and drove into the living room...

SAGAL: Right.

GOLDTHEWAIT: ...In the car.

SAGAL: Right.

GOLDTHEWAIT: And Jilly - only thing he could say was, that's funny, boss.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: I've always been more enthusiastic about costumes than is sometimes appropriate.

SAGAL: That was a very prominent politician reacting to photos that surfaced this week of him in blackface. Who was it this time?

LAPINSKI: Justin Trudeau.

SAGAL: Yes. Justin Trudeau, prime minister of Canada.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: People are stunned. How could such a good-looking, charming guy end up being such a jerk?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The only people who saw that coming was every woman who's ever lived.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Time Magazine found a picture of the Canadian prime minister wearing brown face, as they call it up there, complete with a turban for an "Arabian Nights"-themed party back in 2001. And to those who don't know, 2001 took place after 1865.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Prime Minister had a press conference where he apologized so much, even Canadians were, like, dude, tone it down.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: This is a tough one.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: Because...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I'm not sure where to go with it.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

BODDEN: No, I actually met him.

SAGAL: Did you?

BODDEN: About two years ago, completely randomly, I was doing a show in Ottawa. And someone who worked at Parliament invited all three comics to tour Parliament. And the other two blew it off, but I went because we weren't doing anything. And after lunch, they were, like, you want to meet Justin Trudeau? And I was, like, yeah. I mean, when am I going to get to meet a head of state? Who knew I should have hit him?

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I should have just decked him.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: I didn't know. But this is - and he said - like, he said now he knows it's racist.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: But back then...

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, you know. It was a...

BODDEN: He didn't know...

SAGAL: It was a more innocent time, 2001.

BODDEN: Yes. So do we chalk this one up to the high alcohol content of Canadian beer, or...

SAGAL: I don't know. So he may lose his job, but his political career is not necessarily over. He can always be prime minister of Alabama.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Who would think the Republican Party would be anxious to welcome a Canadian?

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's an immigrant who understands us. All right, Rebecca. Your last quote is the New York Daily News describing a crime committed in England this week that shocked the world.

KURTIS: The bobbies are flushing out the chavs who nicked the loo at the British Bulldog's flat.

SAGAL: So that was a story about the amazing, brazen theft of what?

LAPINSKI: Toilet.

SAGAL: Yes, a gold toilet.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The solid gold...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The solid gold, working toilet was installed in a palace in England as part of an art exhibit. The title of this artwork was "America."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you know we deserve that. So sometime last week, somebody walked in, unbolted it - it is a working toilet, or was a working toilet - unbolted it and walked out with it. It's a toilet made of gold in a palace, and it had less security than the toilet at Starbucks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The primary suspect, who they have caught, is reportedly planning on going with the defense, well, it didn't flush, and I panicked.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We've been there. They still haven't recovered the toilet, but when they do, the owner says he'll be quite relieved.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: How do you - OK. How do you do that? All right, so I understand the unbolting part, but toilets are...

SAGAL: Large.

ROBERTS: ...Big, and they're heavy. So...

BODDEN: You know how you do it? You have a hand truck and a clipboard. Because...

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: That's actually probably...

SAGAL: Really?

ROBERTS: ...Exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: When you walk to somewhere like you're supposed to be there...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: ...And you have a clipboard, nobody asks questions.

SAGAL: Right.

BODDEN: They're just, like...

GOLDTHEWAIT: Yeah.

BODDEN: Oh, it's a toilet moving guy.

SAGAL: Yeah. He's here to move the toilet.

BODDEN: It's got to be in a different - like, yeah, I've got to move it upstairs.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: And you just walk right past.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, this theft did make news around the world and has already inspired what will be next year's great heist movie - "Ocean's Number Two"

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Rebecca do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Rebecca nicked three in a row.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Rebecca.

(CHEERING)

LAPINSKI: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "GOLDEN BROWN")

THE STRANGLERS: (Singing) Golden brown, texture like sun, lays me down. With my might she runs. Throughout the night, no need to fight. Never a frown with golden brown.

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