Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: The Charmin Tank; The Morning After Museum and Constructive Complaining.
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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact-us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you want more, WAIT, WAIT... in your week, check out the WAIT, WAIT... quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever you have your smart speaker. It's just like this radio show, only now we can hear you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LAUREN DENU: Hi, this is Lauren Denu from Washington, D.C.

SAGAL: Hey, Lauren. How are you?

DENU: I'm great. Thanks.

SAGAL: And how are things in Washington?

DENU: Um...

(LAUGHTER)

LUKE BURBANK: It's been a quiet week in Lake Washington.

(LAUGHTER)

DENU: Yeah.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Lauren. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on just two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner - ready to play?

DENU: I am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Armored tanks aren't known to be plush. But for this one, all soldiers will gush. While bombs are incoming, we use indoor plumbing. Our tanks now have toilets that...

DENU: Flush.

SAGAL: Exactly...

KURTIS: Flush it is.

SAGAL: ...Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Just in time for World War III, the Russian military has unveiled the world's first combat tank with a real flushing toilet onboard, making us all wonder why on earth we don't have those in minivans.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The new tanks cost $4 million - or $5 million if you also want a bidet.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM BURKE: Can I add something that's not funny, that's just kind of a weird, full-circle fact?

SAGAL: Please.

BURKE: The reason tanks are called tanks is, when the British military was making them, it was so top secret that they said that they were working on a septic tank when they were actually building, like, a tank.

SAGAL: So it has come full circle in a weird way.

BURKE: So tanks on tanks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Exactly.

BURKE: Yeah.

SAGAL: Finally, yeah.

BURBANK: They finally realized the dream of the tank...

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: ...That you can crap in it.

BURKE: Yeah. But, I mean, I would anyway.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: I feel sorry for the robot that has to keep up with the tank...

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURKE: ...To bring the toilet paper.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

BURKE: Give that robot a medal.

SAGAL: All right - very good. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: From that night, I was lit as a skunk. All my memories are trapped in a funk. But at this museum is where I can see 'em. They honor those nights we were...

DENU: Drunk.

SAGAL: Drunk, yes - very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A museum of hangovers is opening this year in Zagreb. It promises, quote, "the best hangover and drunk stories" - so stories that are funny for the person telling it and boring for everyone else.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The best part, though, is the front-desk coat check. When you go back to get your coat, they just give you last night's clothes and make you walk home in them.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: What? It's a museum of hangovers?

SAGAL: Of hangovers - the hangover museum - it collect stories from around the world, offers a wonderful international look at, like, different remedies for hangovers and drinking traditions and all the places that people have decided that Taco Bell was a good idea.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: It's just got a wall full of, like, texts to your ex.

SAGAL: Exactly right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey. Can I come over? I was thinking about you.

BURBANK: I'll drive the tank.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: When the world is in steady decline, quit pretending that everything's fine. You'll be easing your pain if you moan and complain. It's much better for you if you...

DENU: Whine?

SAGAL: Whine.

KURTIS: Whine.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yeah.

KURTIS: How about that?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Yeah. New research shows that whining could be a healthy way to process emotions of stress and frustration and bond with the people around you unless, of course, you're frustrated because everybody around you hates you because you whine so much.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The research, which is so boring and is unfair because I had to read it...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Shows that there is a correct way to whine to get those emotional benefits. You have to, quote, "make your complaining much more strategic," unquote. Is there really nothing worse than someone whine-splaining to you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Come on. You're not whining right. Bill, how did Lauren do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Lauren was perfect - 3 and 0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Lauren.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you so much for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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