Who's Bill This Time Bill Kurtis reads three quotes from the week's news: "Klobocharge!" "Cruisin' For Corona" and "Born to Be Mindful."
NPR logo

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/806301386/806350936" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Who's Bill This Time

Who's Bill This Time

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/806301386/806350936" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, coronavirus, you can't touch me. I've got a clean Bill of health.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you all so much. We have a wonderful show for you today. Barry Sonnenfeld, the director behind the "Men In Black" movies and "The Series Of Unfortunate Events" (ph) on Netflix - he'll be joining us right here later on. But first, you may have noticed that Michael Bloomberg has been paying people all over the media to say nice things about him. And I just want to say, that's a great idea.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It shows that Mayor Bloomberg is just the kind of visionary leader we need - or improvise something that sounds sincere. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You don't have to pay us to take your call. It's a toll-free number. Come play our games. Call us at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

STEPHANIE TIGNOR: Hi, this is Stephanie calling from San Francisco.

SAGAL: Oh, how are things in San Francisco?

TIGNOR: You know, 55 degrees and a little bit foggy as always.

SAGAL: Hang up on her. Just...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's cold here in Chicago. And what do you do there in San Francisco?

TIGNOR: I'm a people scientist.

SAGAL: I'm sorry. You said you're a people scientist.

TIGNOR: Correct.

SAGAL: What is that?

TIGNOR: Well, I'm a psychologist by training.

SAGAL: Yeah.

TIGNOR: And I use data to understand what's going to make people happy at work.

SAGAL: Oh, really?

TIGNOR: Yeah.

SAGAL: Would the answer be leaving work?

(LAUGHTER)

TIGNOR: Sometimes, that is helpful.

SAGAL: All right.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Stephanie. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian and actor who stars on "The Unicorn" on CBS and the new Netflix series "The Expanding Universe Of Ashley Garcia," premiering February 17. It's Helen Hong.

HELEN HONG: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a comedian who'll be at the Laugh Camp Comedy Club in St. Paul, Minn., March 27 through the 29. It's Alonzo Bodden.

ALONZO BODDEN: Hello.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedian whose new standup special, "You're Doing Great," is streaming on Netflix right now. It's Tom Papa.

(APPLAUSE)

TOM PAPA: Hey.

SAGAL: So welcome to the show, Stefanie. We're glad to have you. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. You know the rules. Bill Kurtis is going to recite, recreate for you three quotes from the week's news. Simply identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Ready to play?

TIGNOR: So excited.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Klobmentum (ph).

SAGAL: Klobmentum was the word on all the pundits' lips this week after whose surprising third-place showing in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday?

TIGNOR: Would that be Amy Klobuchar?

SAGAL: It would be Amy Klobuchar.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. This week saw the second state to vote, and out of nowhere, Amy Klobuchar took third place in the primary, beating Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden and three people whose names we have already forgotten.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: She was very excited about her last-minute surge. She told the crowd at her victory party, and then we're going to take third place in Nevada, and then third place in South Carolina.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, there is a debate about whether what she's experiencing is Klobmentum or Klomentum (ph). Physics nerds are all muttering, actually, it's Klobnertia (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No one has yet suggested Klomydia (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Amy Klobuchar is kind of like Brussels sprouts. You know, for years, it was, like, nah.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: And then suddenly, like, somebody added bacon. It was, like, ooh.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yes - Brussels sprout - Amy Klobuchar - yeah, let's do this.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: The New Hampshire primary tells me that the four black people in New Hampshire...

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...Have a different opinion than the three black people in Iowa.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: I'm just going to hold my momentum...

SAGAL: Yes, hold it.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...For a little while.

SAGAL: As for Bernie Sanders, right now, he's yelling at his radio, (imitating Bernie Sanders) I won. I won. Why aren't you talking about me?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Well done, Peter.

SAGAL: Thank you.

BODDEN: Well done.

SAGAL: Thank you.

HONG: Excellent.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Right now, I imitated Bernie Sanders. In about 20 years, I will be Bernie Sanders.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: I like how Bloomberg was just, like, you know what? I don't go to places with a lot of woods.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Bloomberg wasn't going to bother...

PAPA: No.

SAGAL: ...With New Hampshire. He has vacation homes larger than New Hampshire.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Bloomberg just buy New Hampshire.

HONG: I was in a Lyft to come here from the O'Hare Airport...

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: ...And my Lyft driver had a hip-hop station on.

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: And there was a Bloomberg ad...

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: ...That came on the hip-hop station. And he was, like, as a billionaire, I understand that being black is hard.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: I'm Mike Bloomberg, and I approve this message. And I was, like, what is happening right now?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Well, he knows being black is hard because he made it hard.

SAGAL: I know.

(APPLAUSE)

BODDEN: Not that it was easy beforehand, but how many times can you get frisked before you're, like, you know, this is getting difficult?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Man.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next quote, Stephanie.

KURTIS: You might have to drag me off when the quarantine ends.

SAGAL: That was one of 2,600 people who were trying to put a positive spin on being quarantined for two weeks due to the coronavirus on a what?

TIGNOR: A cruise ship.

SAGAL: A cruise ship - that's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Diamond Princess cruise ship should never have stopped in China and should never have offered the special lick-a-resident one-day short excursion.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When a coronavirus case appeared on board, authorities in Japan told the ship it had to be quarantined at the dock for two weeks, with passengers stuck in their state rooms the whole time to avoid spreading terrible diseases - and the coronavirus.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Wait - so you're stuck in a room with your husband or wife or mother.

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: It really...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Sort of makes you think about who you're going to vacation with.

SAGAL: It really does.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: When are people going to learn? Don't go on cruises.

(APPLAUSE)

PAPA: When are they going to learn? Anything you can do on those dumb boats you can do here on land.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Waterslides, bad restaurants, big, disgusting people with flip-flops and man boobs...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: It's all here.

SAGAL: This is the worst ad for Royal Caribbean cruise lines...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...I've ever heard.

PAPA: Oh, please. Oh, come on. You're in this giant white toilet floating around from port to port, everybody sharing the food and sneezing on each other. Please. If I was on a cruise, being locked in my room sounds like a joy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tom...

PAPA: Yes.

SAGAL: What cruise hurt you?

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: You know what? It wasn't even a cruise.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: It was a buffet at TGI Friday's.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Stephanie.

PAPA: And then I saw a boat go by.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: I was like, imagine if what's here was out there...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: ...And I couldn't leave here for six weeks?

SAGAL: Stephanie, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: Goop for gearheads - why not?

SAGAL: That was a marketing expert talking about a motorcycle company that's trying to change its image, become a lifestyle brand. What's the company?

TIGNOR: Is it Harley Davidson?

SAGAL: It is Harley Davidson.

KURTIS: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

HONG: Wow.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Harley Davidson - century-old motorcycle company - is attempting to rebrand itself as more of a wellness brand. So grab that salt lamp and smash it against your head like a beer bottle.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Harley's new ad campaign aims to show how riding a motorcycle is good for your mental and physical well-being because nothing screams wellness like the overwhelming possibility of getting doored by a Prius.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A new tagline for Harley Davidson is breathe, ride - replacing the old tagline, hey, dentists, here's an excuse to wear leather chaps.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: But, Alonzo, you ride motorcycles...

BODDEN: Yes.

PAPA: ...A lot of bikes...

BODDEN: Yeah.

PAPA: ...Right?

BODDEN: Yeah. I'm a bike guy.

PAPA: And when you go to these bike events and stuff, and you see the guys on Harleys, what's the average age of those guys?

BODDEN: They're old enough to be on cruises.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Maybe we're reading the slogan wrong because everyone's so old, maybe it's breathe. Breathe.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: OK, now ride.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Stephanie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: I think Stephanie's on her way to get a Harley.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: She got three right. You're a winner, Steph.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Stephanie. Thank you so much.

TIGNOR: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BORN TO BE WILD")

TOWNE: (Singing) Get your motor running. Get out on the highway for adventure.

Copyright © 2020 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.