Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Pepperoni Owie; Greens with Envy and Anger Management.
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Limericks

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Limericks

Limericks

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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago.

And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the Wait Wait Quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever you put your smart speaker. It's just like this radio show, but to be honest, it breaks down a lot more.

BILL KURTIS: Sorry, Peter. That's on me.

SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

NURI PAZOL: Hi. My name is Nuri Pazol, and I live in North Park, Chicago.

SAGAL: Hey, Chicago. How are you?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Are you staying warm?

PAZOL: I'm currently in Saugatuck, Mich., for work.

SAGAL: Oh, OK. So you decided to, like, just work from Saugatuck?

PAZOL: My company's home office is here, where my genius (ph) bosses live. And she's actually pretty excited that I'm going to be on the show today.

SAGAL: Oh, that's great. Well, hope it gets you, you know, a raise or something. Welcome...

PAZOL: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...To the show, Nuri. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Ready to play?

PAZOL: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: Be careful what foods you eat-za (ph) because sometimes the cheese overheat-za (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Be nice with your slice, or you'll pay a big price. Just keep cool when you handle hot...

PAZOL: Pizza.

SAGAL: Pizza.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: America is a nation in crisis, not because our Justice Department has been corrupted or our faith in the rule of law is crumbling. No, it's because our pizza is trying to kill us. For the second year in a row, we have seen a huge increase in the amount of pizza-related injuries. Thousands of Americans suffered from pizza cutter finger slices, falls while carrying boxes and traumas when the moon hits the victims in the eye like a (imitating Italian accent) big pizza pie.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In an article on a site called ABC 14 News that could not think of another synonym for pizza so actually uses the term tasty Italian foodstuff...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Some of the specific cases were shocking. In 2018, someone poked a hole in the roof of his mouth with a fork while eating pizza - which, dear God, who eats pizza with a fork?

(LAUGHTER)

TOM PAPA: Mitt Romney.

SAGAL: Yes...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Probably.

ALONZO BODDEN: Wouldn't that be someone who got what they deserved?

SAGAL: Really?

BODDEN: Eating pizza with a fork.

SAGAL: Yes, they deserve to have a punctured palate.

BODDEN: Yeah. That'll learn them.

SAGAL: Yeah, absolutely.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The social meeds (ph) make me feel edgy. I've slacked on my New Year's food pledgie (ph). I eat only junk, unlike this sweet hunk. I'm jealous because he's eating...

SAGAL: Something you eat, And it rhymes with edgy and pledgie...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...And the opposite of junk food.

PAZOL: Well, it's not salad.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Salad is made of these things.

HELEN HONG: Fruits and...

PAZOL: Veggies.

SAGAL: Veggies, yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes, sir.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: In addition to making you jealous about your friends' relationships and vacations and new eyebrow-threading techniques, social media can also make you worried you're missing out on all the delicious vegetables your friends are eating. You see that selfie of your best friend and her zucchini and think, they had dinner last night. They didn't invite me.

According to a study, social media entices people to eat the same things that your friends are posting on Instagram. So if you have friends who eat a ton of salads, you'll probably eat more salads. Or if your friends eat Tide pods, you won't actually change because pretty soon they won't be posting anything anyway.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you guys on Instagram? Because I'm not.

PAPA: Yes.

BODDEN: Yes.

SAGAL: Do you find yourself influenced by the influencers of Instagram?

HONG: Absolutely, 100%.

SAGAL: In what way?

HONG: Like, if anybody is eating any kind of junk food, I need that junk food immediately.

SAGAL: Really?

PAPA: I was on Instagram, and I blacked out. And when I woke up, I was just surrounded with Pringles.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Just covered with them.

PAPA: Covered - in my mouth, on my chest, all over.

HONG: How did they get there?

PAPA: Instagram.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here's your last limerick.

KURTIS: One hundred and twelve and still glad - no need to feel gloomy or sad. The trick to old age is to steer clear of rage. Stay peaceful and never get...

PAZOL: Mad.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: That it is. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The reigning oldest person in the world - according to Guinness, it's a retired Japanese farmer. He says the reason he has lived to the age of 112 is that he has never been angry, except for that one time his roommate ate the last yogurt. This is very difficult advice to follow for most people - not get angry - and impossible for anyone who has ever been on hold with Comcast.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The man claims smiling all the time helps you live longer. So that's right, ladies. Those old creeps telling you to smile more are just trying to help you live longer.

HONG: That guy's never been on a cruise.

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: Old people who are always telling us they've got some kind of secret for why they live so long really piss me off.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Oh, Tom.

BODDEN: I've always thought the best part of getting old - I mean, what I'm looking forward to is just be angry with no filter.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: You hit a certain age, and just then, when they're, like, oh, well he's just old, and you just hit him with whatever you're feeling.

SAGAL: Yeah. We all...

BODDEN: I'll give up 20 years for that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Nuri do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got three right.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: You did well. Thanks so much for playing.

PAZOL: Thanks for having me, Peter.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "HAPPY FROM DESPICABLE ME 2")

PHARRELL WILLIAMS: (Singing) Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof. Because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth. Because I'm happy.

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