Fact Bag With Paul F. Tompkins And Janie Haddad Tompkins After journeying through worlds unknown to humankind, a bearded and weathered Fact Bag has returned with a brand new set of facts. Featuring Paul F. Tompkins and Janie Haddad Tompkins.
NPR logo

Fact Bag With Paul F. Tompkins And Janie Haddad Tompkins

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/826783493/826873828" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript
Fact Bag With Paul F. Tompkins And Janie Haddad Tompkins

Fact Bag With Paul F. Tompkins And Janie Haddad Tompkins

  • Download
  • <iframe src="https://www.npr.org/player/embed/826783493/826873828" width="100%" height="290" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" title="NPR embedded audio player">
  • Transcript

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

All right, Jonathan. Are you ready for our next set of couple-testants?

JONATHAN COULTON: I was born ready, Ophira.

EISENBERG: From the podcast "Stay F. Homekins" - what a title, beautiful - we have actor Janie Haddad Tompkins and comedian Paul F. Tompkins.

JANIE HADDAD TOMPKINS: Thanks for having us.

EISENBERG: Hello.

PAUL F TOMPKINS: Thank you for having us, which I agree with my wife, who said it first.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: First of all, as a couple, how is quarantine, self-distancing, being together all the time going? I notice on your Zoom that you are coming from two different locations - unusual.

COULTON: Yeah.

EISENBERG: Other couples have been beside each other, so you guys have figured something out.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: What was figured out was there was an audio problem when we were next to each other (laughter).

EISENBERG: I feel like every time I'm sitting beside my husband there's an audio problem.

(LAUGHTER)

HADDAD TOMPKINS: I don't know about you as a married couple, but a lot of marriage is just yelling, can you repeat that, from another room.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Or just, I can't hear you.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: I can't hear you.

EISENBERG: The faucet's on. I can't hear you. The blah blahs.

TOMPKINS: There's a lot of that going on.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: A lot.

EISENBERG: Well, we were joking around earlier that because everyone is at home - so, of course, the need for dressing up or any of that normal stuff has kind of gone out the window - it's very easy to impress someone, right? Like, just, you know, I showered, and my husband was like, you look so pretty.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I was like, oh, thanks. It's been a few days.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: I am curious how many makeup wearers are going to return to makeup wearing, because I'm cool with just this. This is what men - like, they don't put it on and go out of the house. It's amazing.

TOMPKINS: I always wear a light pancake no matter what...

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: I expect nothing less.

TOMPKINS: ...Just to smooth it out. I don't know who I'm going to run into.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So to start things off, we would like to do a little something with you called Fact Bag.

TOMPKINS: What did you call me?

HADDAD TOMPKINS: It's an insult I've hurled...

(LAUGHTER)

HADDAD TOMPKINS: ...I don't know how many times.

COULTON: Shut up, you Fact Bag.

TOMPKINS: She has called me that. Oh, she's called me that so many times. You Fact Bag.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Fact Bag.

EISENBERG: You're nothing more than a big, round Fact Bag.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So usually, when we do this at The Bell House on the stage, there is actually a bag that our producers have made, and it's got glitter letters on it. It's very fancy. And within it are facts. So this time it's in a Google Doc.

COULTON: It's a fact doc.

EISENBERG: There's the fact doc.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Yeah, so we don't know the answers to the questions. So we'll just discuss them and see what we think. I just have to mention for one second that I ate ants before we started this by accident (laughter). There was a bag of kettle corn that I bought.

COULTON: Oh, no (laughter).

EISENBERG: And at the break, I decided to put a handful of it in my mouth. And then I looked where it was sitting, and it was covered in ants. And then I looked at the bag, and the bag was full of ants (laughter).

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Oh.

COULTON: I can't believe you didn't start with this story, Ophira. This is an important piece of information that you just ate ants before we started recording.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: I mean...

EISENBERG: (Laughter) Well, as soon as we mentioned Fact Bag, I then reflected to a recent bag that I had of the kettle corn.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: The ant bag.

EISENBERG: Ant bag.

TOMPKINS: Ophira, if you had to put a ballpark figure on it, how many ants would you say you ate?

EISENBERG: You know what? They were the teeny, tiny ants.

TOMPKINS: Oh, sure.

EISENBERG: So I'm going to say (laughter) - I'm going to say, like, a few families.

TOMPKINS: A neighborhood's worth of ants (laughter).

EISENBERG: Yup. It's good to have your anxiety shifted, you know? That's (laughter)...

HADDAD TOMPKINS: It is.

TOMPKINS: I feel like mine has been from that story.

EISENBERG: Yeah. Oh. All right, here's your fact. (Laughter) Here's your fact. Let's figure this out.

TOMPKINS: Sponsored by kettle ants.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: OK. In 1965, astronaut John Young smuggled something into space. What was it?

COULTON: I feel like it's probably some old-fashioned candy that he really liked. Like it's a Zagnut, or, like, a Necco Wafer.

EISENBERG: Right. It's definitely, like, food. It's definitely, like, food. Oh, Necco Wafers - those are the terrible ones. Those are the ones nobody likes.

COULTON: They didn't know what candy was like in those days. They didn't have good candy.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Gum that tastes like cloves or something like that.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Teaberry? Teaberry?

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Yeah, Teaberry.

TOMPKINS: I feel like I might accidentally know this.

EISENBERG: Really?

TOMPKINS: Yes.

EISENBERG: It's not an accident. That just means you know it.

(LAUGHTER)

TOMPKINS: I've been looking at knowledge all wrong. Did he smuggle souvenirs?

EISENBERG: Souvenirs - it's possible.

TOMPKINS: There was a guy who smuggled little capsules that he was going to sell later to say they'd been in space.

EISENBERG: Oh, like he brought that stuff up to bring back and then profit from.

TOMPKINS: Yes.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: I was maybe going to say in 1965, he smuggled LSD.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: You know what? If you need LSD in space, you have a problem.

COULTON: If there's one place you don't want to have a bad trip, it's in space.

TOMPKINS: Yeah.

EISENBERG: I'm just going to go out here for a second.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Oh, can you imagine? That'd be terrible.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right, let's find out. I think it's going to come to me via the magic of chat. OK. Oh, it's a corned beef sandwich.

TOMPKINS: What?

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Oh, my goodness.

TOMPKINS: A corned beef sandwich.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: That sounds messy (laughter).

TOMPKINS: That's so beyond taking your own food into the movies.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: So he didn't plan on smuggling the sandwich into space. A fellow astronaut slipped a 2-day-old sandwich to him on the day of the launch. And when he took it out, the sandwich immediately started breaking apart. So...

COULTON: I want to know why the guy handed him a 2-day-old sandwich. That seems kind of crazy as well.

EISENBERG: It sounds like one of those kind of, like, ha-ha-ha, astronaut prank. Yeah, it was a prank. Classic.

TOMPKINS: As a prank, I love it. I love it. You're about to go into space - quick, take this sandwich.

(LAUGHTER)

HADDAD TOMPKINS: But it's two days...

TOMPKINS: And you have to take it.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: It's not fresh, though. It's, like, two days...

EISENBERG: Not fresh.

TOMPKINS: I guess I'm glad to hear that it's a prank rather than the astronaut thinking, well, they're probably not going to have them there, so I have to bring one.

COULTON: What if I get hungry?

EISENBERG: All right. I think we're going to try another one. McDonald's chicken nuggets come in four shapes. What are they called?

TOMPKINS: Oh, they are?

EISENBERG: And there they are. So they have official names, I guess. One looks like a boot. One looks like a bell. This one kind of looks - I can't tell if that's supposed to be a diamond or oval, and then circle. But I guess they have names.

TOMPKINS: I'm going to say Florida, Pac-Man, Sauron, the big biscuit.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Yeah, Sauron the chicken nugget.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: The big biscuit looks like a tater tot.

COULTON: I mean, who...

EISENBERG: So evenly browned.

TOMPKINS: I would eat these so hard right now (laughter). No, they look good.

(LAUGHTER)

HADDAD TOMPKINS: They do look comforting. I'm not...

EISENBERG: So good.

COULTON: Yeah, man. A little barbecue sauce - I'll take it. I mean, it could be these are meant to loosely resemble the standard parts of an actual chicken, right?

EISENBERG: Oh.

COULTON: Could be you got a drumstick and a wing, breast and thigh.

EISENBERG: Oh, I thought the circle would be the head.

COULTON: Right - head, neck, stomach and feet.

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Well, one of them looks like a diamond.

COULTON: That could be...

EISENBERG: Right. Oh, good one.

TOMPKINS: My wife has expensive taste. She sees diamonds everywhere.

EISENBERG: All right. Let's find out. Let's find out. OK. Here we go. Oh, all right. It's boot, bell, bow-tie and ball.

TOMPKINS: Ball?

EISENBERG: Nom nom nom (ph).

TOMPKINS: Why is that so (laughter)...

HADDAD TOMPKINS: Why wouldn't it be circle? It's not a sphere.

COULTON: It's not a sphere.

EISENBERG: They are specifically engineered. The multiple shapes are meant to appeal to kids and optimize dunking.

COULTON: Yeah. Well, that I see.

TOMPKINS: Yeah.

COULTON: Nothing is more dunkable than a ball.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Well done. Well done. That was Fact Bag.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

Copyright © 2020 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record.