OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
All right, Jonathan. Are you ready for our next set of couple-testants?
JONATHAN COULTON: I was born ready, Ophira.
EISENBERG: From the podcast "Stay F. Homekins" - what a title, beautiful - we have actor Janie Haddad Tompkins and comedian Paul F. Tompkins.
JANIE HADDAD TOMPKINS: Thanks for having us.
PAUL F TOMPKINS: Thank you for having us, which I agree with my wife, who said it first.
EISENBERG: First of all, as a couple, how is quarantine, self-distancing, being together all the time going? I notice on your Zoom that you are coming from two different locations - unusual.
EISENBERG: Other couples have been beside each other, so you guys have figured something out.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: What was figured out was there was an audio problem when we were next to each other (laughter).
EISENBERG: I feel like every time I'm sitting beside my husband there's an audio problem.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: I don't know about you as a married couple, but a lot of marriage is just yelling, can you repeat that, from another room.
EISENBERG: Or just, I can't hear you.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: I can't hear you.
EISENBERG: The faucet's on. I can't hear you. The blah blahs.
TOMPKINS: There's a lot of that going on.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: A lot.
EISENBERG: Well, we were joking around earlier that because everyone is at home - so, of course, the need for dressing up or any of that normal stuff has kind of gone out the window - it's very easy to impress someone, right? Like, just, you know, I showered, and my husband was like, you look so pretty.
EISENBERG: I was like, oh, thanks. It's been a few days.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: I am curious how many makeup wearers are going to return to makeup wearing, because I'm cool with just this. This is what men - like, they don't put it on and go out of the house. It's amazing.
TOMPKINS: I always wear a light pancake no matter what...
EISENBERG: I expect nothing less.
TOMPKINS: ...Just to smooth it out. I don't know who I'm going to run into.
EISENBERG: So to start things off, we would like to do a little something with you called Fact Bag.
TOMPKINS: What did you call me?
HADDAD TOMPKINS: It's an insult I've hurled...
HADDAD TOMPKINS: ...I don't know how many times.
COULTON: Shut up, you Fact Bag.
TOMPKINS: She has called me that. Oh, she's called me that so many times. You Fact Bag.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Fact Bag.
EISENBERG: You're nothing more than a big, round Fact Bag.
EISENBERG: So usually, when we do this at The Bell House on the stage, there is actually a bag that our producers have made, and it's got glitter letters on it. It's very fancy. And within it are facts. So this time it's in a Google Doc.
COULTON: It's a fact doc.
EISENBERG: There's the fact doc.
EISENBERG: Yeah, so we don't know the answers to the questions. So we'll just discuss them and see what we think. I just have to mention for one second that I ate ants before we started this by accident (laughter). There was a bag of kettle corn that I bought.
COULTON: Oh, no (laughter).
EISENBERG: And at the break, I decided to put a handful of it in my mouth. And then I looked where it was sitting, and it was covered in ants. And then I looked at the bag, and the bag was full of ants (laughter).
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Oh.
COULTON: I can't believe you didn't start with this story, Ophira. This is an important piece of information that you just ate ants before we started recording.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: I mean...
EISENBERG: (Laughter) Well, as soon as we mentioned Fact Bag, I then reflected to a recent bag that I had of the kettle corn.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: The ant bag.
EISENBERG: Ant bag.
TOMPKINS: Ophira, if you had to put a ballpark figure on it, how many ants would you say you ate?
EISENBERG: You know what? They were the teeny, tiny ants.
TOMPKINS: Oh, sure.
EISENBERG: So I'm going to say (laughter) - I'm going to say, like, a few families.
TOMPKINS: A neighborhood's worth of ants (laughter).
EISENBERG: Yup. It's good to have your anxiety shifted, you know? That's (laughter)...
HADDAD TOMPKINS: It is.
TOMPKINS: I feel like mine has been from that story.
EISENBERG: Yeah. Oh. All right, here's your fact. (Laughter) Here's your fact. Let's figure this out.
TOMPKINS: Sponsored by kettle ants.
EISENBERG: OK. In 1965, astronaut John Young smuggled something into space. What was it?
COULTON: I feel like it's probably some old-fashioned candy that he really liked. Like it's a Zagnut, or, like, a Necco Wafer.
EISENBERG: Right. It's definitely, like, food. It's definitely, like, food. Oh, Necco Wafers - those are the terrible ones. Those are the ones nobody likes.
COULTON: They didn't know what candy was like in those days. They didn't have good candy.
COULTON: Gum that tastes like cloves or something like that.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Teaberry? Teaberry?
COULTON: Yeah, Teaberry.
TOMPKINS: I feel like I might accidentally know this.
EISENBERG: It's not an accident. That just means you know it.
TOMPKINS: I've been looking at knowledge all wrong. Did he smuggle souvenirs?
EISENBERG: Souvenirs - it's possible.
TOMPKINS: There was a guy who smuggled little capsules that he was going to sell later to say they'd been in space.
EISENBERG: Oh, like he brought that stuff up to bring back and then profit from.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: I was maybe going to say in 1965, he smuggled LSD.
EISENBERG: You know what? If you need LSD in space, you have a problem.
COULTON: If there's one place you don't want to have a bad trip, it's in space.
EISENBERG: I'm just going to go out here for a second.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Oh, can you imagine? That'd be terrible.
EISENBERG: All right, let's find out. I think it's going to come to me via the magic of chat. OK. Oh, it's a corned beef sandwich.
COULTON: Oh, my goodness.
TOMPKINS: A corned beef sandwich.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: That sounds messy (laughter).
TOMPKINS: That's so beyond taking your own food into the movies.
EISENBERG: So he didn't plan on smuggling the sandwich into space. A fellow astronaut slipped a 2-day-old sandwich to him on the day of the launch. And when he took it out, the sandwich immediately started breaking apart. So...
COULTON: I want to know why the guy handed him a 2-day-old sandwich. That seems kind of crazy as well.
EISENBERG: It sounds like one of those kind of, like, ha-ha-ha, astronaut prank. Yeah, it was a prank. Classic.
TOMPKINS: As a prank, I love it. I love it. You're about to go into space - quick, take this sandwich.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: But it's two days...
TOMPKINS: And you have to take it.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: It's not fresh, though. It's, like, two days...
EISENBERG: Not fresh.
TOMPKINS: I guess I'm glad to hear that it's a prank rather than the astronaut thinking, well, they're probably not going to have them there, so I have to bring one.
COULTON: What if I get hungry?
EISENBERG: All right. I think we're going to try another one. McDonald's chicken nuggets come in four shapes. What are they called?
TOMPKINS: Oh, they are?
EISENBERG: And there they are. So they have official names, I guess. One looks like a boot. One looks like a bell. This one kind of looks - I can't tell if that's supposed to be a diamond or oval, and then circle. But I guess they have names.
TOMPKINS: I'm going to say Florida, Pac-Man, Sauron, the big biscuit.
COULTON: Yeah, Sauron the chicken nugget.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: The big biscuit looks like a tater tot.
COULTON: I mean, who...
EISENBERG: So evenly browned.
TOMPKINS: I would eat these so hard right now (laughter). No, they look good.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: They do look comforting. I'm not...
EISENBERG: So good.
COULTON: Yeah, man. A little barbecue sauce - I'll take it. I mean, it could be these are meant to loosely resemble the standard parts of an actual chicken, right?
COULTON: Could be you got a drumstick and a wing, breast and thigh.
EISENBERG: Oh, I thought the circle would be the head.
COULTON: Right - head, neck, stomach and feet.
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Well, one of them looks like a diamond.
COULTON: That could be...
EISENBERG: Right. Oh, good one.
TOMPKINS: My wife has expensive taste. She sees diamonds everywhere.
EISENBERG: All right. Let's find out. Let's find out. OK. Here we go. Oh, all right. It's boot, bell, bow-tie and ball.
EISENBERG: Nom nom nom (ph).
TOMPKINS: Why is that so (laughter)...
HADDAD TOMPKINS: Why wouldn't it be circle? It's not a sphere.
COULTON: It's not a sphere.
EISENBERG: They are specifically engineered. The multiple shapes are meant to appeal to kids and optimize dunking.
COULTON: Yeah. Well, that I see.
COULTON: Nothing is more dunkable than a ball.
EISENBERG: Well done. Well done. That was Fact Bag.
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