OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:
Would you like to play your final moment of gameness?
NICOLE BYER: Yes.
SASHEER ZAMATA: Yeah.
EISENBERG: OK. Finally, you were good to work together in this next game.
EISENBERG: It's called The Mostest. We're going to ask you some questions that we very much do not expect you to know the answer to, but we just want to see if you could talk it out and come up with your best guess. So your first one is, at a top speed of 0.92 feet per second, or a little bit more than half a mile per hour, Bertie from the United Kingdom holds the Guinness record for the world's fastest what?
BYER: I think it's snail, Sasheer.
ZAMATA: A tortoise?
JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: That is correct.
ZAMATA: Oh, yes.
EISENBERG: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BYER: So not a snail.
EISENBERG: A tortoise.
ZAMATA: A snail is really small. I feel like it would just cover less ground.
BYER: I don't know about animals.
ZAMATA: And she really doesn't - like, really, really does not. We're...
EISENBERG: What do you mean?
ZAMATA: We've been in the midst of, like, weekslong talks about ducks and geese and the difference. She thinks - first of all, she thinks the bird umbrella is duck, so everything is some sort of duck. Like, a goose is a land duck. A flamingo is a tall water duck. A swan is, like, a long-neck...
BYER: Long-neck, fancy water duck.
ZAMATA: ...Fancy water duck.
EISENBERG: And so you're slowly learning that these are all different, or do you refuse?
BYER: I mean, not really. I just sent her a DM today where I was like, is this a duck? And she was like, yes.
ZAMATA: Oh, yeah. You were like, is this a duck? I said, yes. And you're like, then what's a goose? I thought it was a goose.
COULTON: This - I am certain to warm to this method of classification for birds. I'm kind of digging it.
EISENBERG: I get it.
BYER: No, but ducks maybe can't fly and geese can?
ZAMATA: No, they all can fly.
BYER: A duck can fly?
BYER: I didn't know that, and I learned that today.
COULTON: This is amazing.
BYER: What is a goose?
COULTON: This is amazing.
ZAMATA: Who didn't teach you birds?
EISENBERG: Yeah, who left you out of the bird convo?
BYER: The Middletown Township Public School System didn't teach me about ducks.
COULTON: Oh, man.
EISENBERG: So our producer had just put this in the chat. Most birds in the Anatidae biological family are classified as ducks.
COULTON: Wait, what? Hold on a second.
BYER: I'm right. They're all ducks.
ZAMATA: So they are ducks?
COULTON: Wait a minute. You're telling me a swan is a duck?
BYER: That's wild. This has been weekslong. I can not believe I'm right.
EISENBERG: Oh, our producer is chiming in again and says that ducks, geese and swans are all different, but they all belong to the same family. So in a way, you're both kind of right.
ZAMATA: Yeah. They're basically ducks.
COULTON: I will also say if you start typing in the Google bar and you say, is a goose a, the first thing that comes up is duck.
COULTON: A lot of people have this question.
ZAMATA: Damn. I'm sorry, Nicole.
BYER: Thank you.
ZAMATA: So you were right the whole time.
BYER: This is the most validating thing in the history of my existence because people have been bullying me. They've been bullying me about ducks.
EISENBERG: And we solved it. We have no more questions. There's no need for anymore quiz of anything because really...
ZAMATA: We figured it out.
BYER: They're all dust.
EISENBERG: ...It's all come down to this moment.
EISENBERG: You know what? Let's have you both on again when we can get to the bottom of - maybe we can deal with buffalo and bison next. I don't know.
BYER: Boy. Oh, boy, don't get me started.
EISENBERG: Oh, so great. Thank you so much, Nicole Byer. Thank you so much, Sasheer Zamata. Such a pleasure.
ZAMATA: Yes. Thank you for having us - so fun.
BYER: Thank you.
COULTON: Thank you, guys.
EISENBERG: Nicole hosts "Nailed It!" on Netflix. And Sasheer's new film "Spree" is available on demand August 14. And together, they host the podcast "Best Friends."
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