A Love Affair That's Going Places Commentator Jay Keyser is having an affair. But it's not with another woman. Keyser explains the superhuman qualities of his mistress, and the dangers of his unusual affair.
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A Love Affair That's Going Places

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A Love Affair That's Going Places

A Love Affair That's Going Places

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ROBERT SIEGEL, host:

Commentator Jay Keyser is falling in love, but his love story is not a happy one. Jay Keyser is about to come clean about what you might call the other woman.

JAY KEYSER: I'm playing with fire. A happily married man, I never dreamed it could have gone this far. The object of my affections is Vicki. I'm sitting in the car with her right now. We haven't gotten beyond the talking stage, but we do a lot of that. Vicki is attractive and bright. She has a compact body and a great eye for color. She has a lively, specialized intelligence. She is nothing if not responsive. When she says...

VICKI: After 200 hundred yards, turn right, then at the end of the road turn left.

KEYSER: She sends shivers up and down my spine. I'm putty in her hands; I do exactly what she tells me.

I'm vulnerable. I admit it. I have a poor sense of direction. I often make mistakes on the road. In the past, others have been super-critical. Why didn't you take the second exit? Now we're going to have to go miles out of our way. That's not Vicki's way, not with me. With me, she couldn't be more supportive. She suggests...

VICKI: Turn around when possible.

KEYSER: See? She takes the burden right off my shoulders, faster than you can say...

VICKI: Go straight.

KEYSER: She reanalyzes the situation in a voice that would melt butter. Okay, by now you may have guessed Vicki is a machine. But in my eyes that doesn't diminish her. She is so sexy and non-judgmental. Shrinks could learn a lot from Vicki. And another thing, Vicki isn't just one more pretty face. She speaks 18 languages. Sometimes after dark, when we're driving together down a secondary road in some out of the ways spot, I lean over and ask her to speak to me in the language of love.

VICKI: (Speaking French)

KEYSER: Now, I'm not trying to say that there are no potholes on the road of our relationship. The other day, thanks to Vicki, I was taking the highway. My wife's six-year-old grandnephew was in the car with us. His name is R.T. Vicki said something like...

VICKI: After 400 yards, bear right, then turn right.

KEYSER: I said, thank you, Vicki. R.T. wanted to know why. I told him if we don't thank her she might steer us wrong. From then on, whenever Vicki made a comment, R.T. said, thank you, Vicki. Afterwards, when Vicki and I were alone, I was shame-faced. I felt guilty. I'd lied to R.T. for the sake of a bit of fun. The truth is, Vicki would never steer us wrong. She's the soul of rectitude. She doesn't need thank you's to put you on the right path. She does it because it's the right thing to do. I wanted her to forgive me. I knew she had when she said...

VICKI: You have reached your destination.

KEYSER: Okay, maybe Vicki has a dark side. The other day my wife came home, she was distraught. She'd been out shopping with Vicki. She said that on Route 93, while she was going 50 miles an hour, Vicki had commanded her to turn right. If she'd obeyed, she would have crashed through the guardrail. My wife and the car would have been totaled; so too would Vicki. My wife said maybe it happened because of all the new construction. Maybe Vicki was confused.

I didn't believe it for a second. I think Vicki cares for me so much, she doesn't want to share me with anyone. Must I confess all to my wife? As I said, I'm playing with fire.

(Soundbite of music)

SIEGEL: That's Jay Keyser. He lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with his Global Positioning System and his wife Nancy.

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