TV Answering Machines Mike Albo and Amanda Duarte listen to sound clips of voicemail messages from TV shows. Please leave your answer at the beep.
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TV Answering Machines

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TV Answering Machines

TV Answering Machines

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Our next two contestants are hilarious performers, writers and good friends, Mike Albo and Amanda Duarte. Hello.

AMANDA DUARTE: Hi.

MIKE ALBO: Hey. Hi there.

EISENBERG: So, Amanda, the last time I saw you, you were on stage at Joe's Pub because you had a residency there doing a show. And then I was looking forward to your next show.

DUARTE: So was I, Ophira.

JONATHAN COULTON, BYLINE: (Laughter).

DUARTE: You mean the one that was supposed to open four days after the whole city was locked down?

COULTON: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: Now, I know, of course, you were disappointed, but I just wonder - four days before a show, I'm just getting into the mindset.

DUARTE: (Laughter) I know exactly what you're going to say, and you're totally right. You know the first thing I did was grabbed a big bag of potato chips. I was like, I don't have to starve myself anymore. No - went deep into the comfort zone.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Yeah. Now, I know also, Mike, that you perform every month at Joe's Pub. But I also know - I mean, I enjoyed a piece of your writing, "The Junket," over the course of this quarantine. It was like the perfect, delicious piece of writing for me...

ALBO: Well, thank you.

EISENBERG: ...That I read on - it was a Single, a Kindle Single.

ALBO: Yeah, Kindle Single.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Kindle Single - fantastic. And it was very, very funny and heartwarming and hit all the right tones and also was a good escapism. But are you working on - you're working on a novel right now, right, Mike?

ALBO: I am.

EISENBERG: How's it going?

ALBO: I finished my first draft.

EISENBERG: That's amazing.

COULTON: Congratulations.

DUARTE: Yay, congrats. Yeah, guys, I have not written a single thing in 237 days.

(LAUGHTER)

DUARTE: Listen; I'm just trying to get through this. You know what I mean?

COULTON: Yeah.

EISENBERG: Yes. I know exactly what you mean.

DUARTE: You know exactly what I mean.

EISENBERG: Excellent. OK, we have a couple of games for you. Want to play a game?

DUARTE: Yeah.

ALBO: How fun.

EISENBERG: So we're going to play you a clip of a television character's outgoing answering machine or voicemail message.

All right, Amanda, this first one is for you.

DUARTE: OK.

EISENBERG: Sometimes it's not a good idea to have your buddies move in with you, particularly not this one.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "FRIENDS")

DAVID SCHWIMMER: (As Ross Geller) We will, we will, call you back.

(LAUGHTER)

DUARTE: Is it called "Friends"?

EISENBERG: It is called "Friends."

ALBO: Wow.

EISENBERG: That was Ross Geller.

DUARTE: (Singing) I'll be there for you.

Oh, wait; if I sing that, do they get money?

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: You know what? They're doing great.

DUARTE: They're doing OK. They're doing OK.

COULTON: All right, Mike, here is one for you. This clip features three voices, one of which you may recognize from this most recent season of "Fargo."

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS")

TICHINA ARNOLD: (As Rochelle) Hello. Thank you for calling. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep, and we'll get back to you as quickly as possible.

IMANI HAKIM: (As Tonya) But what if we don't want to get back to someone as quickly as possible?

CHRIS ROCK: (As narrator) It means you're a girl.

(SOUNDBITE OF ANSWERING MACHINE REWINDING)

ARNOLD: (As Rochelle) Be quiet. I'll do it again.

(CROSSTALK)

ALBO: Is it "Everybody Hates Chris"?

COULTON: Yeah.

ALBO: Is it Chris Rock's show called "Everybody Hates Chris"?

COULTON: Yeah. That's right.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

ALBO: OK.

EISENBERG: All right, Amanda. Here's your next clip.

DUARTE: OK.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "COMMUNITY")

DONALD GLOVER: (As Troy Barnes) Hey, Abed. It's Troy. Meet you at the flagpole in...

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: (As automated voice) If you are satisfied with your message, press one. To erase and rerecord...

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

GLOVER: (As Troy) Hey, Abed. It's Troy. Yo, I'll meet you at the flag pole in, like...

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: (As automated voice) If you are satisfied with your message...

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

GLOVER: (As Troy, imitating Michael Jackson) Hey, Abed. It's Troy. Hee-hee.

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: (As automated voice) If you are satisfied with your message...

DUARTE: Is that my future ex-husband, Donald Glover?

EISENBERG: Yes, it is.

COULTON: (Laughter).

DUARTE: OK. I'm really grateful for this opportunity to just say, Mr. Glover, Don, Donald, Don, if you are listening to this, I literally spent last night - I watched, like, four episodes of "Atlanta" last night. And I'm the slightly, you know, older woman that you met in a UCB Level 1 class about 17 years ago that...

COULTON: I'm sure he remembers, yeah.

DUARTE: ...I'm sure you have not been able to stop thinking about. And I wasn't single then, but I'm single now. So I'm sure if you contact NPR, they'll be able to connect you to me. And I'll make you very, very happy.

EISENBERG: (Laughter) That is correct.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I have a feeling that that is going to work for you. I have a feeling that this is...

DUARTE: I really hope so, you know?

COULTON: Just made a love connection. All right, Mike, this is the last one. Leave a message for this snarky animated secret agent, if he ever lets you.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, "ARCHER")

H JON BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Hello?

JESSICA WALTER: (As Malory Archer) Sterling?

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Oh, man. Hold on. I got it.

WALTER: (As Malory Archer) Sterling, dear, it's me.

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Hold on. Hold on.

WALTER: (As Malory Archer) Pick up, Sterling. Pick...

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Hang on.

(SOUNDBITE OF CAT MEOWING)

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) I got it.

WALTER: (As Malory Archer) Sterling?

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Don't hang up.

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Hello?

WALTER: (As Malory Archer) Sterling, it's...

BENJAMIN: (As Sterling Archer) Ha, elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.

(SOUNDBITE OF BEEP)

COULTON: (Laughter).

EISENBERG: (Laughter).

ALBO: Is this like that "BoJack Horseman" thing that I should watch all the time that no one ever tells me I should watch?

COULTON: Is this another show that I'm supposed to be watching that I'm not watching?

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: 'Cause I'm tired of being told what to do. Yes. This is - what we're looking for is "Archer."

DUARTE: "Archer."

ALBO: Oh, OK. I heard about it. I heard it's good.

COULTON: Yeah, heard it's good, not going to watch it.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right. Great first game. I thought you guys did fabulous.

DUARTE: Yeah.

ALBO: Oh, good.

DUARTE: I do think we both did well. But if we had to decide a winner, who would that be, Ophira?

EISENBERG: (Laughter) That would be you, Amanda. Amanda won that.

DUARTE: Oh, that's great. Oh, wow. I mean, I don't really care. But I just wanted to, you know, write it down in my little book.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: After the break, Mike and Amanda will join me and Jonathan in a round of Fact Bag. And comedian Chelsea Handler joins us to talk about her new comedy special. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, and this is ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

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