Who's Bill This Time? First dog drama, the no-functioning-immune-system-league and retail fail.
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Who's Bill This Time?

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Who's Bill This Time?

Who's Bill This Time?

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UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Peter, cut me. I'm your um-Bill-ical (ph) cord, Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, filling in for Peter Sagal, Maz Jobrani.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

MAZ JOBRANI, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. I am Maz Jobrani. And I'm so excited to be hosting this week and filling in for Peter Sagal, who just had a baby boy. Well, he didn't have the baby. His wife had the baby. But Peter was there live-tweeting the event. He gained 10 followers and one baby. Later on, we'll be...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Thank you. Yes, I'll be here all weekend, folks. Later on, we'll be talking to downhill skiing legend Lindsey Vonn. But first, it's your turn to slalom in and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ADELLE WHITE: Hi. This is Adelle from Chicago.

JOBRANI: Hi, Adelle from Chicago. How's it going over there?

WHITE: Great. I'm just sitting with my cat, ready to answer some questions.

JOBRANI: Fantastic. Are you disappointed that I'm not Peter Sagal?

WHITE: No. I'm, like, maybe - I guess maybe a little. But I understand the whole baby thing.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Yeah, the baby thing. You know, this was his baby, and now he's got another baby. We're kind of jealous, but that's fine. We'll get over it.

WHITE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: All right, Adelle, let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of the new podcast "Real Good" from Stitcher, Faith Salie.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

FAITH SALIE: Hey, Adelle.

WHITE: Hey. Hey, Faith. Nice to meet you.

JOBRANI: Next, it's an actor you can see on "Tacoma FD" and hear on "Star Trek: Lower Decks." It's Eugene Cordero.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

EUGENE CORDERO: Hey. What's going on, Adelle?

WHITE: Hey, Eugene. Not much.

JOBRANI: Finally, the author of The New York Times bestseller "You'll Grow Out of It," one of the stars of Netflix's "Big Mouth," Season 4 premiering this weekend, it's Jessi Klein.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JESSI KLEIN: Hello.

WHITE: Hello, Jessi.

JOBRANI: All right, here we go. Welcome to the show. Now, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice you choose from our show on your voicemail. You ready?

WHITE: Yep, I'm ready.

JOBRANI: Here's your first quote.

KURTIS: I am a very good boy.

JOBRANI: That was a dog quoted in a Biden-Harris transition press release after the dog allegedly caused who to break their foot?

WHITE: Oh, my goodness. Was it Joe Biden?

JOBRANI: It sure was...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

JOBRANI: ...Joe Biden.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JOBRANI: On the first day of this transition, the 78-year-old Biden shocked the haters by breaking something other than his hip.

SALIE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: He - yeah, poor guy. He got a hairline fracture while playing with his dog, which sounds bad, but Biden was just happy to have any kind of hairline.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: So, you know, this dog, Major, is one of two dogs, right? They've got Major and Champ. And they're both rescues. And Champ was 10 years old when they rescued Major.

KLEIN: Oh, my God.

SALIE: What if it turns out Major has been, like, a secret Republican this whole time? I mean, what if Major's just, like, a fifth column - like, a deep-state dog?

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: And, like, saw his moment and was like - I don't know. It's an unlikely...

KLEIN: Yes.

SALIE: It's unlikely, but...

JOBRANI: Or maybe this is the first time that we're hearing Biden lie 'cause maybe he just fell, and now he's already blaming the dog. So maybe this whole next four years, he's just going to blame Major for a lot of the things he does wrong. Like, oh, yeah. No, I was playing with my dog, Major. That's why I haven't signed that bill yet. Yeah, he ate my peace deal that I was going to do...

CORDERO: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: ...With the Middle East. Yeah.

SALIE: Can I just say something about Major, though, for real - just, like, if I'm being very honest? Have you seen pictures of Major? He's a little scary.

KLEIN: I'm going fully the other way, Faith. I find...

SALIE: He's adorable?

KLEIN: ...Him to be very handsome. I mean, I'm just saying, like, if you've ever seen, like, "Lady And The Tramp" - do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever been, like, slightly attracted to, like, a cartoon dog?

SALIE: Yeah, but, I mean, Major is not going to, like, share one strand of spaghetti with you, right?

KLEIN: Well, speak for yourself, Faith.

JOBRANI: But we're all agreeing that we're all attracted to Tramp, right?

KLEIN: That's what - I'm hoping we're all agreeing we're attracted to Tramp.

SALIE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SALIE: I think maybe...

KLEIN: And to the "Robin Hood" fox - and the "Robin Hood" fox.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: All right, that's all I had to say.

JOBRANI: All right.

CORDERO: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: You got that one. Let's go to our next quote from The New York Times, this week pleading with a major sports organization.

KURTIS: For the sake of us all, stop play.

JOBRANI: The Times was asking what COVID-infested league to call it quits early this year?

WHITE: The NFL.

JOBRANI: Yes, you're right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

JOBRANI: The National Football League is so full of coronavirus it makes South Dakota look like New Zealand.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: But, yeah, it's true. The Baltimore Ravens have more than 20 sick players. The Denver Broncos don't have a single quarterback who could play. Even Hank Williams Jr. was like, are you ready for some football? And they were like, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Wait; how does this happen? Why didn't they do - go the NBA bubble route? Why aren't they all at Disney World?

JOBRANI: Well, that's because they had the chance to look at what the NBA did with the bubble, what Major League Baseball did with quarantine protocols, and the NFL decided to go with orgy.

CORDERO: Oh, wow. That's like the United States compared to everybody else in the world with the coronavirus.

JOBRANI: Yeah. The NFL is the U.S. of sports.

CORDERO: Yeah.

JOBRANI: You're absolutely right.

CORDERO: I'll tell you right now - I'm a Detroit Lions fan, so I can wait a year. I'm OK with it.

SALIE: I think that's a sports joke I get - I think.

CORDERO: (Laughter).

SALIE: They must be doing badly.

CORDERO: Yes.

JOBRANI: It's a disaster all around. The 49ers can't play because in California, they're not allowed to - I guess - I think the - San Francisco has a rule, so they had to go to Arizona to play. Pretty much, any - they're just looking for a playground that'll let them play. The swingset's out of bounds. They keep playing till the quarterback's mom says it's time for dinner. I mean, that's where we're at at this point.

SALIE: But here's a really important question. What will happen to all the Super Bowl commercials if there is no football, right?

CORDERO: Yeah, that is probably the most important question...

SALIE: (Laughter).

CORDERO: ...'Cause I got to see what Coca-Cola's going to do with those polar bears this season.

JOBRANI: Did you see the Denver game where - so the Denver Broncos, you guys - they ran out of quarterbacks. I don't know if you heard about this. So all three of the quarterbacks...

SALIE: (Laughter) For real?

JOBRANI: ...On the Broncos - yeah, they were exposed to the virus.

SALIE: That's horrible.

JOBRANI: This is what happens when your team shares one mouth guard. But...

CORDERO: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: But the thing is, they had to call up a wide receiver to play quarterback. And it wasn't just any wide receiver; it was their practice squad wide receiver. This is all true. And the guy was just terrible. He completed one pass. He completed one pass. And it turns out the coronavirus is the easiest thing to catch from a Denver Broncos quarterback.

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: Oh, man.

JOBRANI: All right. Adelle, let's go to your last quote.

KURTIS: It was bleak Friday.

JOBRANI: That was a retail consultant talking about disappointing sales on what big day this year?

WHITE: I'm going to go with Black Friday.

JOBRANI: You are right, Adelle.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

JOBRANI: You've been paying attention.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JOBRANI: The holiday shopping season has begun with the same success of Joe Biden playing with his dog. Maybe the reason Black Friday failed, though, is it's been nine months of Black Friday. We have been buying everything every day since the lockdown started. The Amazon guy won't stop showing up at my door. And you know who was really - it was really annoying to hear all the MAGA people who insisted that it's not Black Friday. It's all Friday.

CORDERO: (Laughter).

SALIE: Oh, man.

CORDERO: Yeah. All Fridays do matter, though.

JOBRANI: And it's not just Black Friday anymore. Now there's Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Lie About Giving Wednesday...

CORDERO: Sure.

JOBRANI: ...And Is It Still Safe To Eat Last Week's Turkey Thursday?

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: No.

SALIE: The answer is no.

JOBRANI: Well, listen. I thank God for all these themed days because it's the first week in months that I've actually known what day it is.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Did you guys do any of the days? Did you celebrate any of the days?

KLEIN: I just want to say I did just join Weight Watchers, so that should tell you a little bit about what the last week has been.

CORDERO: Oh, so you're doing Weight Watchers Wednesdays.

KLEIN: I'm doing Weight Watchers Wednesdays - I'm sorry. No, it's called WW.

(LAUGHTER)

CORDERO: Oh, got it.

SALIE: Well, Jessi, we only saw you from the torso up on Zoom, and you look smashing.

KLEIN: Thanks. That's my thinnest part...

(LAUGHTER)

KLEIN: ...My head. My head is my thinnest part. And then...

SALIE: Your head looks really gaunt.

KLEIN: It's like a garbage bag filled with wet sponges.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Bill, how did Adelle do?

KURTIS: She did very well. We're going to declare her a winner.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JOBRANI: Thank you, Adelle.

WHITE: Awesome.

JOBRANI: Awesome.

WHITE: Thank you all.

JOBRANI: Bye-bye.

WHITE: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "FRIDAY")

REBECCA BLACK: (Singing) It's Friday, Friday, got to get down on Friday. Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend. Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday...

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