ALEX CHADWICK, host:
Write downs, derivatives, mortgage-backed securities, reverse auctions, oh my god, the economy isn't just depressing. It's really confusing.
BRAND: Who even knew what a credit default swap was, say, a year ago? No, a month ago, a week ago? Well, here to help us laugh through all this pain is the comedy team Frangela. Angela V. Shelton and Frances Callier, welcome back.
Ms. FRANCES CALLIER (Comedy duo, Frangela): Glad to be back.
Ms. ANGELA SHELTON (Comedy duo, Frangela): Hey.
BRAND: OK, so this all seems like a secret language in the economy.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes, you know, like that movie, "The Secret Lives of Bees." This is the secret language of the economy, girl.
Ms. SHELTON: They try to make it mysterious so you don't understand what's really going on.
BRAND: So have you been able to decode these words?
Ms. SHELTON: Oh yeah.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
Ms. SHELTON: Basically, really what it means is, we messed up.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
Ms. SHELTON: We were betting with money we didn't have.
Ms. CALLIER: Have. Right, right, right.
Ms. SHELTON: That's what it means.
Ms. CALLIER: Did you - do you know that there is actually something like a half a quadrillion derivatives out there? Who can count that high?
BRAND: I don't know.
Ms. CALLIER: That's something that you say when you're a child.
Ms. SHELTON: Yeah, like, I quadrillion times dare you. You never are actually supposed to use the number.
Ms. CALLIER: Umm umm.
Ms. SHELTON: Whenever you start using that number in the economy, it's probably bad.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
BRAND: Quadrillion. You might as well say a zillion, right?
Ms. CALLIER: Yes, exactly.
BRAND: It doesn't mean anything. What do you think of the bailout? Do you think we should do it? Do you think we shouldn't? Do you think we should give them money to...
Ms. SHELTON: I don't think we had a choice. No, I don't think we should bail out people for messing up. When I mess up, nobody bails me out. Well, that's not entirely true. Sometimes Frances does. But the reality is, I've never needed that big of a bailout.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ms. SHELTON: With 20, 40 bucks here and there.
Ms. CALLIER: And when you get money and to restore our confidence, you shouldn't go on a retreat, OK? On a junket.
Ms. SHELTON: Oh, don't get me started on the junket. I mean, when you were a kid, if your mama gave you 20 bucks to buy some school supplies, and you came back with candy, you were in trouble.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah, sure.
Ms. SHELTON: Am I right? You had to go back embarrassed, return that candy, and come back with a trapper keeper.
Ms. CALLIER: That's right.
Ms. SHELTON: That's how this is supposed to work. Now, if you put me and Frances in charge, we can solve this problem.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes, we can.
BRAND: Trapper keepers for everyone.
Ms. CALLIER and Ms. SHELTON: That's right.
Ms. SHELTON: You got to keep track of your own.
BRAND: All right, so let's talk about how you would decode these problems for the everyday American trying to understand what's going on, listening to the news and being confused.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah. I would say that the everyday American needs to go to the Wharton School of Business.
Ms. SHELTON: Or Kellogg.
Ms. CALLIER: Or Kellogg.
Ms. SHELTON: Those are good, Oxford maybe.
Ms. CALLIER: Spend about, you know, eight years getting a degree. And then we can go and deal with our regular household accounts.
Ms. SHELTON: Yeah. Now, we got Alan Greenspan. He's like trying to be apologetic.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah.
Ms. SHELTON: Like he's all like...
Ms. CALLIER: He's like oops.
Ms. SHELTON: You know, it's possible that I had too much faith in the economy regulating itself. I could say that now. Like, that's - what's going on. We have economists talking to us in this emotional sort of like breakup language.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
Ms. SHELTON: Like please forgive - Bush, every week is like please just stay calm.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah.
Ms. SHELTON: Frankly, Frances and I believe this is a depression, and they don't want to call it a depression because then people will get depressed.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
BRAND: But people already are depressed.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
BRAND: Consumer confidence at the lowest level in 40 years.
Ms. CALLIER: Absolutely. And so many jobs being cut. We've been saying this for months.
Ms. SHELTON: It's like, when you say to me, this is the second worst crisis since the Great Depression, wouldn't that make it the second depression?
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah.
Ms. SHELTON: I mean, I don't mean to, you know, pick at it.
Ms. CALLIER: No.
Ms. SHELTON: I'm just, like, semantically.
Ms. CALLIER: No. I mean, it doesn't have to be the great depression. It can be like...
Ms. SHELTON: The doing it's best depression.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah, doing it's best depression. The little depression.
Ms. SHELTON: Depression light. It's depressing, though.
BRAND: So give us your prescriptions. Let's say you two did run the economy.
Ms. SHELTON: Oh yeah.
BRAND: Yes.
Ms. SHELTON: That would be good.
BRAND: What would you do?
Ms. SHELTON: I would get in and be like, stop treating us like we're stupid and start taking responsibility for some of what you've done here.
Ms. CALLIER: Yeah. And instead of these derivatives, why don't we have something that backs our money? Remember the gold standard?
Ms. SHELTON: Yeah, that's upsetting, yeah.
Ms. CALLIER: Yes.
BRAND: You want to go back on the gold standard?
Ms. SHELTON: Well, we want actual things.
Ms. CALLIER: What kind of actual things? I don't care. If we say, it's going to be like rocks.
Ms. SHELTON: Beanie Babies. Lolly pops.
Ms. CALLIER: Something tangible on the money.
Ms. SHELTON: It doesn't make any sense. I can't trade this for air for air.
Ms. CALLIER: No.
Ms. SHELTON: What are we doing here?
Ms. CALLIER: No.
BRAND: All right ladies, thank you very much.
Ms. CALLIER and Ms. SHELTON: Thank you.
BRAND: Angela B. Shelton, Frances Callier, the duo known as Frangela. Check them out at Frangela.com.
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