Limericks Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Alpine A-lines, Get Shorty-Shorts and Zoom Lifts.
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Limericks

Limericks

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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, a man who's still hoping to hear back from the girl he passed a note to in seventh grade, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. This is a week in which we might have paid more attention to how they look than you have for the past year. And that, for many of us, just means putting on a slightly cleaner pair of pajamas.

KURTIS: But last year, we offered some tips on improving your look anyway - in limerick form.

(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED NPR BROADCAST)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KATIE THOMAS: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi. Who's this?

THOMAS: This is Katie from Washington, D.C.

SAGAL: Hey, Katie. How are you?

THOMAS: I am about as good as one can be these days.

SAGAL: That's the best that we can hope for. What do you do there in Washington?

THOMAS: I am a policy adviser to a United States senator.

SAGAL: Oooh.

KURTIS: Goodness.

SAGAL: Is that as exciting and fun as I assume it would be? They have very serious meetings and walk briskly down corridors discussing important things?

THOMAS: There was some of that - right? - back in the day. But it's been several months. There has been no hallway brisk walking.

SAGAL: Right. Well, Katie, welcome to our show. Now, you're playing the Listener Limerick Challenge, which means that Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Are you ready to play?

THOMAS: Sure am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: Though camping life can be a mess, I still wear fancy clothes that impress. It might come as a shock. I pitch tents in a frock. I go hiking while wearing a...

THOMAS: Dress.

SAGAL: Yes, dress.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. This week, Outside Magazine published an ode to the adventure dress, a dress you wear while hiking. The magazine praised the dresses for being comfortable and flexible while poison ivy called them a breakthrough in convenience.

MO ROCCA: They're very - sounds very "Little House On The Prairie."

SAGAL: Very much so. The adventure dress is gaining in popularity. You just pair them with a chunky sunblock and your favorite hiking stilettos and you're ready for a night out on the trail.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I thought this was not that big a deal, but apparently it is, to have dresses that are made specifically for outdoor adventure. I mean, you know, there will be hiking skirts, even kilts. Don't make a rock climbing kilt. There are some things we don't want to see.

All right, very good. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: On TikTok, I've seen some reports that say legs look good on and off courts. More guys have now been seen with cute five-inch inseams. So I've cut down the length of my...

THOMAS: Shorts.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: While women are getting into hiking dresses, men are getting into Daisy Dukes. Apparently 5 1/2-inch inseams on shorts make men way hotter, finally giving admirers a good look at those hairy thighs. This is all according to the New York Post. So why would they lie?

ALONZO BODDEN: I hope this isn't a trend. I don't need the accessory of 5 1/2-inch shorts. Just no. We have to - no.

ROCCA: Alonzo, I did a story about this, and let me tell you - the reason you want to be wearing shorter shorts is that on men, legs are the last things to go.

SAGAL: You did a story about this?

ROCCA: I did for "CBS Sunday Morning..."

SAGAL: About shorts.

ROCCA: ...About men's shorts and why men should be wearing shorter shorts. I mean, I know it sounds a little...

SAGAL: So what you're telling me is that as men get older, say, to my age, and everything else has fallen apart...

ROCCA: Everything else would - Peter, everything else is falling apart, but your legs will stay intact pretty much until the very end.

SAGAL: Really? So if I'm going to go out, I might as well show off the only part of me that does not look like a complete wreck.

ROCCA: Exactly.

MAEVE HIGGINS: And that's why so often now they have an open casket, but just the bottom half is open.

ROCCA: Exactly.

SAGAL: Exactly.

HIGGINS: You got to look at those pins.

SAGAL: Sometimes, a half of a casket so the legs just stick out the bottom.

HIGGINS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Katie, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I'll feign youth with no sarcastic perjury. I saw docs but without drastic urgency. The pandemic allows lifted cheeks and firmed brows. I took time for some quick...

THOMAS: I didn't hear the last word, but I'm pretty sure it's plastic surgery.

SAGAL: You're right - plastic surgery.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. Plastic surgeons are reporting a backlog of people making appointments, citing that patients, quote, "aren't liking what they're seeing" on Zooms. Or apparently, your co-workers aren't actually listening to your presentation. They're trying to figure out if they would like your nose instead. Quarantine is also a great time to get surgery because we're not socializing. We can spend however many weeks in isolation waiting for the scars to heal. And when you go out, if you have to go out, you get to wear a mask. Plus, while you're getting the nose job, you can have your doctors seal up your nostrils for extra safety.

ROCCA: You don't need a nose job if you wear shorter shorts.

HIGGINS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Because no one will be looking at your nose. They'll be going, oh, my God.

HIGGINS: Yeah. Well, I did - maybe now is a good time to say I got - I finally got my butt implants that I've been saving up for.

SAGAL: You did? How do you feel? Do you feel better about yourself? Because that's really what it's about.

HIGGINS: Yeah. It's so comfy when I sit down now. It's just (vocalizing).

ROCCA: I thought you were sitting up higher on the screen.

HIGGINS: Thank you, Mo - $6,000 worth of whoopee cushions that they just inserted into my lower back.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Katie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Katie did great. She got them all right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

KURTIS: Very good score.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Katie.

THOMAS: Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care.

HIGGINS: Bye.

KURTIS: Bye, Katie.

THOMAS: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

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