'Wait Wait' for September 14, 2024: With Not My Job guest Jay Pharoah
JENNIFER MILLS, BYLINE: The following program was taped in front of an audience of real, live people.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I don't carry a big stick because I don't speak softly.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis, and here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you all so much. Thank you. I'm just as excited because we have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Jay Pharoah, the impressionist and SNL veteran who now hosts the game show "The Quiz With Balls."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That is what it is called. And on this show, if a contestant gives a wrong answer, they are knocked into a swimming pool by an enormous ball. This is a great idea, punishing people for wrong answers. But we have something even more terrifying.
KURTIS: Welcome to the Quiz With Bills.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He's right behind you. Nothing will happen to you if you get our questions wrong because you'll be on the phone. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
LIZ: Hi. This is Liz (ph) calling from Malvern, Pa.
SAGAL: Hey, how are you? How are things in Malvern?
LIZ: They're pretty good. Starting to enjoy the start of fall. Can't wait for all the political ads to end.
SAGAL: Oh, I'm sure. Yes. Oh, you've got the swing state blues, I'm sure. Do the ads actually - when you turn off the TV and try to leave, do the ads follow you out of the house?
(LAUGHTER)
LIZ: Yes, I do get about two postcards a day from the campaign.
SAGAL: Oh, really. Well, welcome to the show, Liz. Let me introduce you to our fabulous panel this week. First up, it's the comedian and host of the podcast "Fake The Nation." You can see her in Reading, Pa., in "The Muslims Are Coming!" stand-up show on Oct. 18. It's Negin Farsad.
(APPLAUSE)
NEGIN FARSAD: Hello.
SAGAL: Next up, it's a correspondent for realcitizenkate.com and a comedian who will be appearing at The Venue in Janesville, Wis., Oct. 26, it's Adam Burke.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And finally, one of our founding panelists, a feature reporter for the style section of The Washington Post - it's Roxanne Roberts.
(APPLAUSE)
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, hello.
SAGAL: So, Liz, welcome to our show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - the voice of anyone you might choose from our show in your voicemail. Are you ready to go?
LIZ: Absolutely.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: There will be no third debate.
SAGAL: So after Tuesday night's events, who apparently is done with debates?
LIZ: That would be Donald Trump.
SAGAL: It would be former President Trump.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: After we had the debate between Trump and Biden in the spring, the first - and apparently now last - debate between Trump and Kamala Harris took place on Tuesday. It broke records for viewership. It's all anybody wanted to talk about all week, making this week a perfect time to announce your illegitimate child, if you have one.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, Trump hemmed and hawed, but he did finally say on Thursday that he will not have a third debate because he says he did so great in the second one, and he doesn't want to ruin it. That's what he said.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Also, come on, given his experience, better safe than sorry. Having a third is how he ended up with Eric.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I - so my parents are visiting me, and so we watched it together. So I was with my immigrant parents. We were just nibbling on someone else's dog. And...
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Is that with mustard or ketchup?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Oh, it was with a reduced balsamic, actually.
ROBERTS: OK, OK.
FARSAD: We were quite elegant.
SAGAL: Come on.
FARSAD: They've been immigrants here for a while...
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: ...Stealing pets. So they know.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: My favorite thing about the debate...
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: ...Was her face. I've taken acting classes, and she was doing the most subtle, the most interesting, like, faces to communicate. She didn't even need to speak. Her face literally said everything. It said, you're an idiot. You're not fit. I'm so much smarter than you. What are we even doing here? Dogs. Why are we talking about dogs?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And her face said so many things. It was incredible acting.
SAGAL: You're absolutely right. I mean, it was so amazingly expressive that you know that those facial expressions must have been part of her prep, right? She must have practiced. And after the debate, she was so tired, her doctor has put her on complete face rest.
(LAUGHTER)
ADAM BURKE: She's on track to be our nation's most memeable president.
SAGAL: She really is. Yeah.
FARSAD: Yeah.
BURKE: She's dying to be captioned.
SAGAL: And of course, as you mentioned, Negin, to the pantheon of great presidential debate lines like, there you go again, and you're no John Kennedy, we have to add Trump's, they're eating the pets.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It did make history. It's the first racist dog whistle actually about dogs.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Liz. Here - believe it or not, other things happened this week. And, Liz, your next quote is from someone making history in space.
KURTIS: Whew. Smell that? Space.
SAGAL: That was a tech billionaire as he became the first-ever private citizen to do what in space?
LIZ: Oh, to do the spacewalk.
SAGAL: Yes, to take a spacewalk.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The first private citizen spacewalk was successfully conducted on Thursday. Although it was less, frankly, of a spacewalk and more of a space clutching the side of a spaceship in terror.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: I'm surprised Trump didn't work it into the debate. You know what I mean? We've got immigrants coming in, and we've got billionaires leaving the planet.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So the...
BURKE: Do you know how expensive that will be for me to call all my friends when they're on Jupiter?
SAGAL: The SpaceX rocket was rented by tech billionaire Jared Isaacman, who was also the crew commander. It means he paid an extra million for a cool patch.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: He's done it before. He's a frequent customer of SpaceX. He got an upgrade this time. It was nice. He got the luxury ship.
FARSAD: Yeah. I mean, I guess my whole feeling about these space missions in - and we're, like, covering them like new ground is being broken, is that didn't we do this, like, in the '60s?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: So then what are we even talking about?
SAGAL: Well, it's - I mean, we have made some advances. And this is serious. You may remember if you think about space suits, NASA spacesuits - huge, bulky...
FARSAD: Oh, right.
SAGAL: ...Things. These are cool, modern SpaceX spacesuits. They're sleek. They're formfitting. They are absolutely the most attractive and fashionable outfits ever made that you can poop in.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: If you could go to space...
FARSAD: Yeah.
ROBERTS: ...Would you do it?
FARSAD: No. I have - also, I just have zero interest. It just feel - I don't need to, like, accidentally die. What - I can see the video. I mean...
BURKE: You know why I wouldn't go to space? 'Cause it's full of friggin' billionaires.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: That's all else is up there. What would you even talk about?
SAGAL: What's important about this - this achievement - and they did go higher than anybody has since the Apollo missions - is it's a first step toward normalizing commercial space travel for ordinary citizens. We are about a decade away from kids having their birthday parties in orbit - and then a few more years after that, from kids complaining that orbital birthday parties are boring.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Also, man, you thought destination weddings were expensive now.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Your last quote, Liz, is a question posed in The Washington Post about a new feature on the Apple iPhones announced this week.
KURTIS: How much leeway will we get with eggplants?
SAGAL: This new feature will allow anyone with one of these iPhones to create their own what?
LIZ: Is it emojis?
SAGAL: It is emojis.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week at their big conference, Apple debuted these newest iPhones, and they come equipped with AI, Apple Intelligence. And among many other things, it will allow you to generate your own emojis, whatever you want, just by describing what you want to the phone. Now, it's kind of a deal with the devil because, on the one hand, we all know artificial intelligence - huge energy demands, accelerates climate change. But on the other hand, you can make an emoji of a frog on a pogo stick.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Here's the thing. I don't understand emojis now. Like, even with the preprogrammed ones, I don't know what people are talking about. I don't need everyone to have their own language all of a sudden.
FARSAD: Like, custom emojis.
BURKE: Yeah, exactly.
FARSAD: Right. That you have to, like, decipher.
BURKE: Yeah. Yeah.
FARSAD: Yeah, that's...
SAGAL: You can also - this is very cool. You can combine emojis. If you have a complex feeling you want to get across, you can ask for a cowboy and a monkey. You'll get a monkey cowboy.
FARSAD: So you...
SAGAL: You can combine an eggplant and a peach, and it'll give you a baby.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: So you can, like, "Island of Doctor Moreau" the emojis.
SAGAL: Exactly. That's exactly...
FARSAD: And that's, like, a major benefit...
SAGAL: Right, yes.
FARSAD: ...Of this new iPhone.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Liz do in our quiz?
KURTIS: Smart Liz started us off with a perfect score. Thank you, Liz.
SAGAL: Well, done, Liz. Thank you so much.
(APPLAUSE)
ROBERTS: Hey, good job.
LIZ: Thank you.
SAGAL: Take care, Liz. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SWEET EMOTION")
AEROSMITH: (Singing) Sweet emo...
SAGAL: Ji.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SWEET EMOTION")
AEROSMITH: (Singing) Sweet emo...
SAGAL: Ji.
Right. Now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Adam, Vladimir Putin has long railed against Disney, saying Western culture is terrible and that their cartoons are far inferior to Russian ones. So it must make...
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: ...Him furious - he has said that. So it must make him furious that the son of what prominent Russian is reportedly a Disney super fan?
BURKE: I didn't know that he allowed there to be other prominent Russians.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That may be a clue.
BURKE: (Laughter) Is it his own son?
SAGAL: It is indeed the son of Vladimir Putin.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Putin has two young sons with his mistress. Hold for aw.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And one of them is reportedly incredibly into Disney, even insisting on dressing up like Disney characters. Of course, because he is a Putin, his costume is actually made from 101 dalmatians.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: These two sons are not often seen in public. They live with their mother, Putin's mistress, out - somewhere outside of Moscow. One of the boys is starting third grade, and the one who's really into Disney is just about to go into kindergulag (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Putin has said that he prefers Russian cartoons. You know, they're very good - like, for example, "Tom And The Adoring Populace Who All Love Tom."
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: And "Where In Siberia Is The Dissident Carmen Sandiego?"
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "A WHOLE NEW WORLD")
UNIDENTIFIED MUSICAL ARTIST: (Singing in Russian).
SAGAL: Coming up, our panelists take a snack break in our Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
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KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Negin Farsad and Adam Burke. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thank you so much. Right now it's time for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air or you can always check out the pinned post on our Instagram page. That's @WaitWaitNPR. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
EMILY: Hello, Peter. This is Emily (ph) calling in from Houston, Texas.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Houston?
EMILY: You know, they have been pretty nice the past week, but - in this late summer, but I think they're about to get warmer again.
SAGAL: Really? I mean, because Houston...
EMILY: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...When it gets warm, it gets warm. Emily...
EMILY: It gives your skin a lovely, healthy glow.
SAGAL: It does, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Emily, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play the game in which you tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Emily's topic?
KURTIS: I didn't know my Doritos could do this.
SAGAL: Doritos can do a lot of things, otherwise they would call them Don'tritos (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This week, we heard about Doritos breaking really new ground. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, you'll win the WAIT WAITer of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to go?
EMILY: Yes, thank you.
SAGAL: All right. First, let's hear from Adam Burke.
BURKE: While it seems counterintuitive that Doritos, a food that stains every piece of clothing you own, could make anything disappear, researchers at Stanford University experimenting with the chip's signature yellow No. 5 dye have discovered just that. They began rubbing the tartrazine solution on the stomachs of laboratory mice, which, surprisingly, isn't illegal...
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: ...And noticed that these body parts became transparent. The chemical process alters how light refracts on living cells and may have wide-ranging surgical applications beyond just being a tasty snack in the OR between incisions.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Researchers wish to stress human trials are a way off and remind potential volunteers they involve Doritos on the outside of your stomach.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: A specific chemical found on all Doritos can make mice transparent. Your next story about a hidden feature of Doritos comes from Roxanne Roberts.
ROBERTS: When influencer Tyler Cala (ph) agreed to foster a tiny orange kitten, he named it Dorito - Dori for short - after his favorite snack food. Cala made an adorable TikTok of the kitten playing with a pile of chips, which is when Cala realized that Dori was obsessed and demanded the treats whenever he opened a bag. The downside - smelly little kitty farts and smellier kitty poops, which were small but mighty. It became a running joke with Cala's 260,000 followers until the day Dori farted, and Cala lit a pile of Doritos in an incense burner to mask the odor.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Then he tried burning the chips next to Dori's litter box, and it eliminated what he says is, quote, "90% of crappy cat smells." Cala is now selling custom incense burners and a Dori candle on Etsy, where 10% of the profits go to his local animal rescue. Best of all, Cala permanently adopted Dori last month - aw - a milestone celebrated - where else? - on TikTok.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Burning Doritos is perfect for masking the smell of a litter box. Your last story of something cool you can do with a cool ranch comes from Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: Doritos are known for their bright orange hue, inspired by fall foliage and/or hazmat suits.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: And it's also known for its flavor-filled dust. The dust is so sticky that after eating a bag of Doritos, it's customary to lick your bright orange fingers. It's also customary to dip into a short depression about your life choices because why did you just eat a full bag of Doritos?
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: But the adhesive qualities of Dorito dust caught the attention of scientists at the Center for Forensic Science (ph) in Chicago. To date, dusting for fingerprints involved a boring, non-tortilla-chip-based dust.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: But these scientists found that Dorito dust was five times more effective in revealing fingerprints. They are now beta testing a program in the Riverdale neighborhood of Chicago, using the orange dust on forensic cases. So far, the dust has rendered 20% more fingerprints than the average, with the added bonus of making each crime scene smell like a Super Bowl party.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Detective Gerald Gardino (ph) said of the program, we are definitely finding more fingerprints than we used to. I just have to remember not to lick my fingers after working a crime scene.
SAGAL: All right.
KURTIS: Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So let's say, Emily, you have to have a bag of Doritos. Instead of eating them, you could do which of these? From Adam Burke, extract a chemical from its food coloring and make mice transparent; from Roxanne Roberts, burn it in an incense holder and completely mask the smell of the stankiest cat litter box; or from Negin Farsad, use it as a much-improved fingerprint dust in crime scene investigations. Which of these is the real new use for Doritos?
EMILY: Well, I love Doritos as much as the next person, but I have got to think that there are some very questionable chemicals in that dust that could very well turn a mouse translucent. So I'm going to go with Adam's story.
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You've chosen Adam's story of the chemical found in every Dorito that, if extracted and rubbed on mice, can make them transparent. And for the correct answer, we spoke to a reporter who has been on top of the real story.
CAROLYN JOHNSON: Researchers took a common food dye - a lot of people might identify it with Doritos - and within a few minutes, the skin of the mice transformed.
SAGAL: That is amazing. It was also Carolyn Johnson...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...A science reporter at The Washington Post, talking about the transparent mice made that way by the magic of Doritos. Congratulations, Emily. You got it right. You earned a point for Adam, and you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Well done.
EMILY: Yay.
(APPLAUSE)
EMILY: Thank you so much.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'M LOOKING THROUGH YOU")
THE BEATLES: (Singing) I'm looking through you. Where did you go? I thought I knew you. What did I know?
SAGAL: And now the game where we ask people about things they know nothing about. It's called Not My Job. Comedian Jay Pharoah became instantly known during his years on the cast of "Saturday Night Live" as a brilliant impressionist, from Kevin Hart to Barack Obama. But now he is appearing in the role of himself as the host of a game show on Fox and Hulu, "The Quiz With Balls." Jay Pharoah, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
(CHEERING)
JAY PHAROAH: (Laughter) What's up?
SAGAL: So first of all, I should say welcome to the pinnacle of human achievement, the game show host. It's not as easy as it looks, is it?
PHAROAH: No, no, no. It's not as easy as it looks, and you definitely just have to be able to improv and be able to just think on the fly. I never knew that somebody was going to introduce me and say "The Quiz With Balls" after my name.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: I never thought...
SAGAL: That wasn't something you dreamed of as a child dreaming of showbiz.
PHAROAH: Not something that I - not something I thought was going to happen. It just baffles me and drives my mind to total insanity when I'm in a restaurant enjoying my food, and a family will come up to me and say, release the balls. I'm like, oh...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: On the show and in your own comedy, you are known for these astounding impressions. Is there one, like, in your entire roster of people you can do that you're most proud of?
PHAROAH: The one that I would say that nobody - I'm the originator of it...
SAGAL: Yeah.
PHAROAH: ...And nobody had done it like me - was Will Smith. And that one is just - that's just one that's - (impersonating Will Smith) you know, like, you know, that's the one that...
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: ...You know, everybody...
BURKE: (Laughter).
PHAROAH: ...You know, pretty much, like, loves.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: Because it's not the kind of impression that's, like, just found. You know, it's not like a Hot Pocket. It was more like tenderloin.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That was...
(CHEERING)
BURKE: And I'll say...
SAGAL: That was a little eerie is what that was.
BURKE: I'll say - I've seen Jay also does a fantastic Chris Rock. So I imagine at some point you ended up slapping yourself.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: No, no (laughter) - oh, Jesus. But having those two, when that...
SAGAL: Yeah.
PHAROAH: ...Situation happened, I said, oh, man, God loves me, I'll tell you.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: I can do it...
(CROSSTALK)
SAGAL: You're going to have work for a year. You're going to...
PHAROAH: Yeah.
SAGAL: You can do the scene, you know?
PHAROAH: Oh, man, it was so funny when I was in here in - reenacting the scene by myself 'cause...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. You got to let us hear it - right? - if you've practiced.
PHAROAH: (Laughter) OK.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Chris Rock) Everybody's asking me, how do you feel, man? How do I feel? I got smacked by the softest man in Hollywood, OK? Not freaking good, OK? OK. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: You know, like...
(APPLAUSE)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Will Smith) But - you know what? - I got to say this. Like, you know, I really do apologize...
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: ...You know, to everybody in America and everybody ubiquitously around the world. What I should have done instead of smacking Chris Rock was I should've waited for the commercial break and got away with the whole situation.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, this might be fun 'cause - who knows? - you can do this as a group. Jay Pharoah, we have asked you here to play a game we're calling...
KURTIS: You Can Keep Your Balls.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So as we have established, you host the game show "The Quiz With Balls." So we thought we'd ask you about games that don't require any balls at all. Answer two out of three questions right, you will win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Jay Pharoah playing for?
KURTIS: Shane Brown (ph) of Portland, Ore.
SAGAL: All right. Here is your...
PHAROAH: Right.
SAGAL: ...First question. There's lots of games you can play with a Frisbee instead of a ball, but not all Frisbees are alike. You could find yourself catching which of these? A, the combat Frisbee lined with razors along the edge; B, Frisbee for dummies, which has an iron coating and comes with gloves lined with magnets...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...or C, a disc molded out of the ashes of Ed Headrick, one of the inventors of the Frisbee.
PHAROAH: Well, I hope it's not the third one.
BURKE: (Laughter).
PHAROAH: I don't know. I don't know. Kev, what do you - Kev, do you have anything on this? (Impersonating Kevin Hart) Listen. I will say this.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Kevin Hart) Listen, people - swear to God - tell you this - tell you this right now. I believe that the answer is B. That's what I think it is because a lot of people are dumb, and a lot of people need to get a disc thrown at their face because maybe it will correct something - swear to God.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So are you going to - you're going to trust Kevin Hart on this, Jay? Is that what you're going to...
PHAROAH: I got to trust Kev.
SAGAL: Yeah.
PHAROAH: I got - I think he knows.
SAGAL: He let you down. It was C.
UNIDENTIFIED PEOPLE: Oh.
SAGAL: It's actually...
PHAROAH: It was C?
SAGAL: ...The guy who invented...
PHAROAH: Holy...
SAGAL: As part of his will, one of the guys who invented the Frisbee, he asked to be cremated. And then he had his ashes mixed into plastic to make Frisbees...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...That were sold for charity, and they're out there in the world.
PHAROAH: That won't be...
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: This is not something that will be thrown around in a Black household.
SAGAL: No, no, no - probably not, probably not.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: I'm not messing with it, OK?
SAGAL: No, you take it down from the wall, and you go, Ed, do you want to play? And the Frisbee doesn't complain. You go - all right, here's - you still have to two more chances.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Here's your next question. Cornhole - that's the game popular here in the Midwest, where you try to toss bean bags through a hole in a board. We all know this game, right? You've been to, you know, tailgates, right? It's very popular here in America, but there are international variants, such as which of these? One of these is real. A, the game of tejo in Colombia, where players throw their bags at exploding targets filled with gunpowder; B, tramp hole in Australia, where you bounce off a mini trampoline and try to throw yourself through the hole...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Or C, crick hole in England, where the other player can defend the goal with a cricket bat.
FARSAD: Oh, my God.
PHAROAH: You know what?
BURKE: Would Jay-Z help out with this one?
SAGAL: I don't know.
BURKE: Is there something that Jay-Z says a lot that might be the answer?
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Jay-Z) Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Jay-Z) Basically, you know, now I'm pretty stumped. But after thinking about that comparatively to the other answers...
BURKE: (Laughter).
PHAROAH: ...(Impersonating Jay-Z) I will probably say - I'll say A.
SAGAL: Jay-Z is correct.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: That is right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And it's absolutely true. Imagine cornhole, but if you hit the target, an explosive charge goes off - boom. It is the second most popular sport in Colombia after soccer.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Jay-Z) You know what's real? You know, with all the cocaina that I used to deal with back in the day...
SAGAL: Yeah.
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Jay-Z) Yeah, my intuition spoke for me. That was the hustler, homey. (Laughter) Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's really weird.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Last question. Get this right, whoever you are, and you win it all. Everybody loves to play darts, right? But it's not as easy as it looks. What is a proven way to improve your darts game? A, just closing your eyes and throwing randomly toward the target; B, spinning around four times and then throwing it like a discus toss (imitating discus toss sound); or C, just getting a little drunk.
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Donald Trump) Now, let me - before I answer this question, I'm just going to say...
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Donald Trump) There was a lot of fallacy that's been spoken. A lot of things - good people - a lot of good...
FARSAD: Oh, Lord.
(CHEERING)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Donald Trump) I'm going to go with B.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I'm going to come up to you with tears in my eyes and say, sir, are you sure?
(LAUGHTER)
PHAROAH: (Impersonating Donald Trump) You shouldn't be crying. Come on. This is a festive time. We're just answering questions, that's all. So I would say that's my final answer, B. Have to say it like I do (ph).
SAGAL: I've - for some reason, I've never said this with more pleasure, but you're wrong.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'm having a lot of emotions here, Jay.
FARSAD: (Laughter).
SAGAL: The answer is actually C, getting drunk. Studies have proved that just a little alcohol improves your dart game. That's why they...
PHAROAH: Wow.
SAGAL: ...Play it in bars.
BURKE: But technically, Jay didn't get any of them wrong.
SAGAL: He did - Jay, you - yes, you walk out here with a clean record. Bill, how did Jay and his friends do in our quiz?
KURTIS: You know, he's a winner, and you're going to leave a winner.
SAGAL: Absolutely.
KURTIS: Two out of three.
SAGAL: Not your fault.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So Jay Pharoah, as you now all know, is an amazing impressionist. He's also the host of Fox's "The Quiz With Balls." His new comedy special "Jared" premieres on YouTube, September 22. Jay Pharoah, that was surreal and absolutely a blast. Thank you so much for joining us on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
(APPLAUSE)
PHAROAH: See y'all later.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "BIG BALLS")
AC/DC: (Singing) I've got big balls. I've got big balls. They're such big balls, and they're dirty big balls. And he's got big balls, and she's got big balls. But we've got the biggest...
SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill puts on his dancing shoes for our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We are playing this week with Adam Burke, Negin Farsad and Roxanne Roberts. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Ill., Peter Sagal.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill insists it was a victimless rhyme in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Negin, do you care about the environment, but you're too lazy to do anything about it? Great news. NPR reports that you can lower your carbon footprint by doing what?
FARSAD: Oh, holding in your farts.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. It's a seamless solution to the problem of climate change.
FARSAD: My feeling about that hint - is it ordering food off of Seamless?
SAGAL: Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
FARSAD: What?
BURKE: What?
SAGAL: I know. It's a little surprising. But NPR investigated whether either food delivery services like Seamless or DoorDash or, you know, those meal kits that are sent to your home are worse for the environment than cooking for yourself. And they found, much to everybody's surprise, it's actually slightly better for the environment. Even more, if you go ahead and check that little box on the order that says please, no utensils or napkins, you are now officially Greta Thunberg.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: See - when you gave that clue, I was going in completely the wrong - when you said seamless, I thought it was, like, be naked all the time.
SAGAL: No.
FARSAD: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: I was like, no seams on...
BURKE: Yeah.
FARSAD: ...Clothes. Yeah.
SAGAL: And the reason is - you might be wondering why.
FARSAD: Yeah. No, this doesn't make any sense.
SAGAL: It's because a meal delivered by a food delivery service generates much less food waste than cooking at home and because a food delivery service combines trips - right? - instead of every individual person driving to the grocery store themselves to get food. It's sort of, like, a food carpool. So do not ruin it by ordering each chicken nugget separately.
FARSAD: I just - I don't believe this at all.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: This sounds so wrong still.
BURKE: Yeah.
SAGAL: It's NPR. Would we lie to you? Well, other than...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Other than mostly at this show.
SAGAL: Other than us specifically. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
KURTIS: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Adam, the government of China is warning its citizens to be wary of hot people coming onto them because those people may be what?
BURKE: Spies.
SAGAL: Yes, exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
BURKE: (Laughter).
KURTIS: Jesus.
SAGAL: According to the Chinese Ministry of State Security, there have been increasing reports of foreign agents catfishing Chinese citizens into revealing state secrets. Many pretend to be academics or maybe grad students in order to gain the trust of people who might have access to sensitive information. It's terrible for your self-esteem. A gorgeous fellow Ph.D. student seems interested in your research, and then the state police come over and are like, not so fast, uggo (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: But also, what if the academic who they're stealing the secrets from...
BURKE: (Laughter).
FARSAD: ...Is also hot? You know what I mean?
SAGAL: That's a good point.
FARSAD: Right?
SAGAL: Yeah.
FARSAD: So if it's, like, two hot people, then what does the government say?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, I...
FARSAD: Avoid or don't avoid?
SAGAL: Exactly. And there's another problem, which is what about innocent hot people? Everybody is going to suspect that we're spies.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That's not fair. That's stereotyping.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: Maybe I just have six-pack abs, and I'm interested in the dispensation of troops in the Chinese military.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET")
THE BEATLES: (Singing) Listen. Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Whoa, oh, oh. Closer. Let me whisper in your ear.
SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can always click the contact us link on the website, waitwait.npr.org. And be sure to check out our sister podcast, How To Do Everything. This week, Mike and Ian tell you how to keep your french fries from getting all soggy. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
POPPY: Hi. This is Poppy (ph) calling from Pittsburgh, Penn.
SAGAL: Hey, Poppy, what do you do there in Pittsburgh?
POPPY: I work in Medicaid managed care.
SAGAL: OK. All right. That must be exciting.
BURKE: (Laughter).
POPPY: Yeah. It sounds like it's a conversation ender.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah. OK, well, what else you got then? I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
POPPY: Well, Peter, I do have a funny story.
SAGAL: Please.
POPPY: I once was in a parody sketch of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME in a one-day variety show.
SAGAL: No, really?
POPPY: Yeah, yeah. I was attending graduate school at University of Chicago, and we did a one-night variety show. And I got to play Poppy Sagal. I was the host.
SAGAL: No, really?
POPPY: Really. Yes.
SAGAL: Only because Jay Pharoah was just on our show and I'm thinking about it, did you actually attempt to do an impression of me?
POPPY: You know, it's not that hard, Peter. It's, like...
(LAUGHTER)
POPPY: (Impersonating Peter Sagal) This is NPR.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Wow.
KURTIS: Nailed it. Nailed it.
SAGAL: Yeah. I...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I thought I was talking to myself. That was great.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, Poppy, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word of phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?
Yeah.
SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.
KURTIS: Anna Delvey's old cons sure do rankle. But for views, ABC pulls a prankle (ph). After time behind bars, she is dancing with stars with a monitor worn around her...
POPPY: Ankle.
SAGAL: Yes, ankle.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Anna Delvey - that's the con woman made famous by a Netflix show about her - will be the first contestant on "Dancing With The Stars" to compete while wearing a court-ordered ankle monitor. It might get in the way of her moves, but when it finally comes off, just think how high her kicks will suddenly be.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's the sort of news that makes you say, huh, I guess we are using a very broad definition of both home detention and also with the stars.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: I want every week for them to add an accoutrement so by the end, she's in that Hannibal Lecter thing with the mask on.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This is a handicapping thing.
BURKE: Just wheel...
SAGAL: Just kind of wheel her out.
BURKE: Wheel her around.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Here is your next limerick, Poppy.
KURTIS: Keir Starmer inspects his new flat. There's a squatter inside who won't scat. He might be too sinister for the prime minister - Larry, 10 Downing Street's...
POPPY: Cat?
SAGAL: Yes, cat.
KURTIS: It is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The new British prime minister, Keir Starmer, is facing a fierce opponent as he establishes himself at 10 Downing Street. The cat that lives there hates him and his family.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's got to be the biggest story of the week that involves a world leader talking about pets.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: So this makes Keir Starmer a childful (ph) cat leader.
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Yes.
FARSAD: OK.
BURKE: Yes.
SAGAL: That's right.
FARSAD: I was just testing that out. We don't need to enjoy it.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: OK. Poppy, you've got one more limerick. You're doing great. Here it is.
KURTIS: Sometimes kumquats are frugally sized, and our pears look like noodly (ph) thighs. We will make ugly fruit look all tasty and cute when we slap on some googly eyes. I'm sorry. I blew it.
(LAUGHTER)
POPPY: Is it eyes?
KURTIS: I blew it.
SAGAL: It's...
KURTIS: I got so into it.
SAGAL: It's very hard. I know. So let me just ask you, Poppy. Let me just ask you, Poppy. Take a random guess. What's the answer?
POPPY: Is it eyes?
SAGAL: It is, Poppy.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: How did you know?
KURTIS: What a score.
SAGAL: According to a new study, an effective way - this is real, by the way - to get people to buy misshapen produce is to put googly eyes on them.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: What does it say about us that we're more likely to eat fruits and vegetables if they look like people?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I wasn't hungry before now, but now I yearn for the taste of human flesh.
ROBERTS: No, no, no, no, no, no. I think it's, like, if it has googly eyes on it, it looks goofy, and you forgive the fact that it looks bad 'cause it's goofy.
SAGAL: So I...
BURKE: I kind of never apply morality to fruit in the first place.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Oh, you're alone, Adam.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The study focused on so-called ugly produce, which is produce that is completely edible and just as delicious as any other, but it looks funny. Unfortunately, when you do buy this produce, its eyes turn into little X's when you cook them.
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: Oh.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Poppy do...
FARSAD: Weird.
SAGAL: ...On our quiz?
KURTIS: I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All of a sudden, you don't have any answers.
KURTIS: I got nothing.
SAGAL: Got nothing. Got nothing.
KURTIS: I got nothing. But, you know, she's already won with 2 out of 3. So, Poppy, my apologies, and you're a win.
SAGAL: Yes, you are, Poppy. Thank you so much.
(APPLAUSE)
POPPY: Thank you. A dream come true. Thanks so much.
(SOUNDBITE OF BILLY IDOL SONG, "EYES WITHOUT A FACE")
SAGAL: Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?
KURTIS: Negin and Adam each have three. Roxanne has two.
SAGAL: OK, Roxanne, you are in second place. That means you're up first. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, Russia launched a major counterattack against Blank.
ROBERTS: Kursk.
SAGAL: Ukraine, yes.
FARSAD: Ukraine.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: On Tuesday, Delta confirmed that no passengers were injured after two planes blanked while taxiing.
ROBERTS: Collided.
SAGAL: Right. This week...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Residents in Southern California were hit with evacuation orders as three major blanks continued to rage.
ROBERTS: Wildfires.
SAGAL: Right. On Tuesday...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...A woman in Nashville was talked off a bridge by Blank.
ROBERTS: Jon Bon Jovi.
SAGAL: Right. This week...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
ROBERTS: ...A man at the Taipei Zoo was bitten by lions after he entered their cage and said blank.
ROBERTS: Roar.
SAGAL: No. He said, quote, "Come bite me."
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Oh.
SAGAL: Hoping to compete with Target and Aldi, Amazon announced that they were launching a new line of budget-friendly blank.
ROBERTS: Groceries.
SAGAL: Right. On Monday...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Three new cast members were announced for Blank's 50th season.
ROBERTS: "SNL."
SAGAL: Right. This week...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Tourists in the U.K. crowded around to see the country's newest attraction...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: ...Blank.
ROBERTS: Oh. The horrible statue of Queen Elizabeth.
SAGAL: That's right.
ROBERTS: OK.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
ROBERTS: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The statue of the late Queen Elizabeth II is particularly horrible because - according to everybody who looks at it - it makes the queen look just like Mrs. Doubtfire.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It is being called an insult to Her Majesty's memory. Some are even calling for it to be melted down, which sounds great until the next statue they make somehow makes Queen Elizabeth look like the genie from "Aladdin."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Roxanne do in our quiz?
KURTIS: She did very well. Seven right; 14 more points. Total of 16.
SAGAL: All right.
KURTIS: Is in the lead.
SAGAL: All right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'm going to pick Adam arbitrarily to go next. Here we go. Adam, please fill in the blank. According to Nielsen data, around 67 million people watched Tuesday's blank.
BURKE: Debate.
SAGAL: Right. On Monday...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Campbell Soup announced they were changing their name to blank.
BURKE: Oh, just Campbell's?
SAGAL: Yeah, just Campbell's. Yes - no soup.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Just hours after making landfall in Louisiana, Hurricane Francine was downgraded to blank.
BURKE: A tropical storm.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to a new study, two-thirds of America's blanks don't consider themselves wealthy.
BURKE: Billionaires.
SAGAL: Not billionaires.
BURKE: Millionaires
SAGAL: Millionaires. On Tuesday, Foo Fighters founder blank announced he had a child outside of his marriage.
BURKE: Dave Grohl.
SAGAL: Right. On Sunday...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...FX's "Shogun" set a record by winning 14 creative arts blank awards.
BURKE: Emmys.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: This week, tourists in Seattle crowded around...
(SOUNDBITE OF GOING)
SAGAL: ...To see that city's newest tourist attraction, blank.
BURKE: An even uglier statue of the queen.
SAGAL: No, an abandoned Cybertruck on the side of the road.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: This particular Cybertruck is in pretty rough shape, which might explain - it was abandoned on the side of a busy Seattle street. Since then, it attracted onlookers who can remember their visit by buying a T-shirt that says, I saw the abandoned Cybertruck, and all it did was break my fingers.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Adam do in our quiz?
KURTIS: Five right, 10 more points, total of 13 means Roxanne is still in the lead.
SAGAL: All right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: So how many then does Negin need to win?
KURTIS: Seven to win. Count them down.
SAGAL: All right. Here we go, Negin. This is for the game. On Wednesday, both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump were in New York to observe the anniversary of blank.
FARSAD: September 11.
SAGAL: Right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Amid an ongoing corruption probe, the police commissioner of blank resigned on Thursday.
FARSAD: New York City.
SAGAL: Right. On Thursday...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...A Georgia judge dismissed two of the criminal counts against blank.
FARSAD: Trump.
SAGAL: Right. This week...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...A'ja Wilson broke the single-season scoring record in the blank.
FARSAD: Tennis thing.
SAGAL: No, the WNBA. After being convinced to give the buyer a requested discount on the home he was selling, a man in Miami is suing because he learned blank.
FARSAD: That the house was made of Styrofoam.
SAGAL: No, that the buyer who wanted a discount was Jeff Bezos.
(OOHING)
SAGAL: On Monday, police arrested a man accused of stealing four blanks from Australian rower Drew Ginn.
FARSAD: Kangaroos.
SAGAL: Olympic medals. On Tuesday, Sony angered gamers by announcing an $800 price tag on the newest version of the blank.
FARSAD: The new - sorry. The - so...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Did you not expect us to put you through this, Negin? Is this a surprise to you?
BURKE: I had the same thing. I think there's a slow carbon monoxide leak in here.
FARSAD: Yeah, there is. We need to investigate the metals in this room. OK, what is...
(LAUGHTER)
FARSAD: What...
SAGAL: I'll do this again.
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: On Tuesday...
FARSAD: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...Sony angered gamers by announcing an $800 price tag on the newest version of the blank.
FARSAD: Grand Theft Auto.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, the console, the PlayStation.
FARSAD: Oh, OK.
SAGAL: This week, tourists in Chicago crowded around to see...
(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)
SAGAL: ...This city's newest tourist attraction - what?
FARSAD: A really super-hideous version of Queen Elizabeth.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No. A see-through plastic purse filled with lucky charms hanging on a pole. Despite going viral, no one has claimed this cereal-filled purse, which was found hanging from a pole in front of an abandoned muffler shop. And despite the mystery, onlookers say it definitely ranks up there with some of Chicago's other beloved tourist attractions, like the late, great rat hole and the bean - not the sculpture - just a bean that had fallen out of a burrito.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, did Negin do well enough to win?
FARSAD: (Laughter).
KURTIS: No.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Nada.
KURTIS: Three right, six more points, nine total. That means Roxanne is the winner this week.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now, panel, what will be the next big first in space? Negin Farsad.
FARSAD: It'll be the first group therapy for billionaires who figure out why they have to go to space in the first place.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Roxanne Roberts.
ROBERTS: The first Apple store will open on the moon, where there will still be a line to get in.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And Adam Burke.
BURKE: The first reality show about the people trapped on the International Space Station called "The Real Housetronauts (ph) of the Van Allen Belt."
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Well, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Negin Farsad, Roxanne Roberts and Adam Burke.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. Thanks to all of you for listening wherever you may be. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
SAGAL: This is NPR.
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